Friday, June 29, 2012

December 21, 2012 - Prepare Yourself for Doomsday!!!!!!

This Week's edition of FREE ADVICE FRIDAY is designed to help us all deal with the impending doom that will happen on December 21, 2012.

As many of you know, the world is coming to an end in a couple of years.  Call me crazy, but I seriously hope something crazy and apocalyptic happens on December 21st 2012, the day the Mayan calendar ends.

Yep, I hope to hear someday that a big asteroid is headed our way and will crash into planet earth – but not anywhere near me. Maybe Antarctica. Yeah, Antarctica.  Except for freshwater ice cubes and penguins, what good is Antarctica for?  Nothing. On second thought, Penguins are cute.  I have always loved to see them at the scratch that.  Not Antarctica.  What about Greenland?  Not much there.  It isn't even green, it is covered in ice and snow so it is white.  I guess the asteroid could land there. 

Anyway, here we have people believing that something drastic will happen on that fateful day and some people believe nothing will happen. It is a toss-up.  I believe nothing will happen of course, but so did the great people in Atlantis and then all of a sudden they awoke one day to find their city under water, they were expert swimmers, and their necks were starting to form gills. They had no idea it was coming.  Maybe the same thing will happen.  I doubt it, but you never know...  

I mean it is possible I guess.  Maybe I’ll wake up here in Iowa and find myself in tattered clothing and scouring the hills for some sort of special rock that wards off the disease that has destroyed humanity?  There are some pretty cool geodes around Iowa.  Maybe that is why there are so many of them.  After all, it is Iowa's state rock.  Once the apocalypse happens, maybe everyone will flock to Iowa for the magical healing power of the Geode!  I better start collecting them now. 

Like I said earlier, I guess I kind of hope something crazy happens – while there is Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton there is a need for mass destruction.  I don't mean kill everyone off -- Just a cleansing of most of humanity from the face of the earth.  There are a lot of people out there that could use a good dying.  I know that sounds bad, but think about it...Thought about it?   It is true, right?  Think about the annoying telemarketer that always calls late, or the slow driver that drives in the left hand lane, or all the idiots on Jersey Shore.  Think about how better life would be without them. 

I don’t believe that I’LL definitely be a survivor of whatever apocalypse will befall us, but I have a couple things going for me: I have a car and can get away in a hurry provided I’ve remembered to fill my tank on December 20, 2012, (I am making a note right now on my Google calendar)  I know how to make a fire, I can sleep anywhere, I’ve watched Survivor a bunch of times, I was in Cub scouts, I would eat anything to survive (cannibalism you ask?  If it means me living or dying, I could probably stomach a well cooked rib or some thigh meat), and I’m practiced in wearing torn clothing (I was in college in the 90's).  I’ve got ‘survivor’ written all over me, so I’m not afraid of what may be coming.  Screw the Survivor TV show, which I have tried to get on several times.  I will show the world that I am the true survivor!!!

Those of you in more urban areas like New York or Mexico City or Paris or Tokyo should start getting ready just in case. Start heading for the country. The rest of you? You’ll find that in Post-Apocalyptic Earth, your money is useless, so you might as well just send it all to me now if you have some (There is a link to my PayPal account on the left column of this blog). It’s not like it’s worth anything anyways with this economy the way it is. Go ahead, just click on PayPal.  Or if that is too hard for you, just send me your account information in an email and I’ll take care of the rest. No problems!

I guess what I’m saying here is that there’s no reason to be alarmed yet, unless being alarmed convinces you to send me money or prevents you from going out and making a movie like “Mall Cop” or “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan” while you prepare your dry goods storage bunker. Then by all means, feel free to freak out.


  1. I predict a serious slowdown in crop circle production along with small numbers of panhandlers and hobos who PayPaled all their money away. Those with a frozen cub scout should have plenty of good eating until things stabilize.


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