Friday, August 3, 2012

God's Kick in the Pants...Or Just Food Poisoning

As we wander through this strange path that we call life, we like to think that we are masters of our own destiny. We control our fate and whatever happens, happens because of the choices we make. We make our own decisions and know what’s in our best interests. Thus all of our choices that we have made have created the life that we have today.

At least that is what we would like to believe. I hear this stuff that is going on in our world and I am beginning to realize that we are just the latest version of The Sims that God just received in the mail and stuck in his computer, and he’s laughing his ass off.

What am I talking about you ask?  Well, let me give you an example.  I know a guy...let's call him James.   James is a pretty regular dude.  He has a normal life and tries to make all the right decisions.  I would call him complacent. He’s been dating the same girl for five years now and he recently confessed to me that he doesn't even feel attracted to her anymore. But James hates to stir the pot.  He stays away from the spotlight, drama or conflict.  Everyone can see that James is not happy.  All of his friends, his family, his co-workers - everyone can see he’s unhappy. His family corners him at the family barbeque and tell him to dump her. His friends during one of their "Guy's nights out" tells him to move on and find someone new.  Each and every time, empowered by his Coors Light and their support, he agrees. He always swears that he will do it tonight. He makes the call and asks her to meet him later. Then he decides to have a celebratory burger and another Coors Light.

Then, something happens.  Maybe that last burger was bad.  Salmonella, e coli or something.  Or maybe his beer was tainted with some kind of poison, but James got sicker than he’s ever been in his life. He was shooting out of both barrels, sweating, shaking, the works. And this all kicked in right when he met up with his girlfriend - the one he was planning on dumping.  She sees he is in pain and takes him to the hospital at midnight, sits patiently in the waiting room while he got his stomach pumped, then sits by his bedside for a couple of days afterwards until he gets his strength up to go back to his normal everyday routine.  James is now delirious from food poisoning and waves of guilt.  He asks his girlfriend to marry him. She says yes. The rest is history.

You want another example of God’s kick in the pants: a friend of mine had a very rough and rocky relationship with her ex. She finally managed to break up with the asshole and kicked him out of the apartment after putting up with him for almost two years. She finally was moving on with her life.  Myself and all of her friends were so happy for her.  She told him to come over this last Saturday morning to pick up the rest of his stuff. He agreed.

Saturday morning came around and she woke up with the urgent reminder that she’d had an ultimate bean and cheese burrito the night before. After a good 20 minutes in the can, she remembered her ex was coming over and now it smelt like something had died in the house. She hurriedly lit every candle in the house and got undressed to take a shower. The doorbell rang. She grabbed her robe and answered it. Her ex, standing at the door, sees all the candles lit and my friend in her skimpy robe. He thinks, right on. She wants me back. He grabs her and kisses her. My friend loses all sense of reason as he sucks her earlobe and they have crazy wild make-up sex. Then what happens... I think you know.  They got back together and he moved back in that afternoon. And she is back to being her miserable self, complaining to all of us about this loser.

So why am I writing this and letting you all know?   Two things:
1.  If you are unhappy and want to make a change, make it without hesitation.  Otherwise, you will be miserable.
2.  Don't eat anything that might give you gas, upset your stomach or give you food poisoning before making a major life changing event!  Bad things will happen!

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