Saturday, April 7, 2012

Obama's Economy Affecting Chickens

This is a reprint from my old blog.  This probably still holds true today, although this was printed two years ago.  Enjoy!


Chickens are starting to see thier eggs be replaced by "eco-friendly eggs."

So.......................... eggs from an actual chicken aren't "eco-friendly?"

Let's see...I would beg to differ. 
Shell - Biodegradable
Yolk - Biodegradable
Egg White - Biodegradable

By the way, how much does it cost to produce an "eco-friendly" egg versus just buying a chicken and getting an egg the natural way?

Really? Is this what our pathetic government has become?  GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!  THIS IS STUPID.

Things I Thought I Would Never Ask During Sex...But I Did!

1. May I have some more wine?
2. Where are my clothes?
3. You want it where?
4. Is it stuck?
5. Can we put the dog out first?
6. You know that is attached, right?
7. You want me to shoot it where?
8. Let's take some more shots before we do that?
9. Did you brush your teeth and use mouth wash after your adventure back there?
10. Did you hear me when I told you no teeth?
11. You read that, where?
12. You want to use your toy on me?
13. You Want ME to bend that way?

Things That are now Obsolete (or near obsolete)

I was thinking today of things that we no longer need.  WOW!!!  So much has changed in the last 10 years.   These are things that we couldn't live without 10 years ago.  In another 10 years, they will probably be gone...




Calling
Text messaging, BlackBerry Messaging, Instant Messaging, Tweeting, Facebook statuses, and emailing have taken over communication. The popularity of text messaging is gradually edging out calling. The AP reports that Americans sent more than 110 billion text messages in December 2008, double the number in the last month of 2007.



Classified Ads in Newspapers
Not only have ad dollars followed audiences online, but the expansion of Craigslist -- which started in San Francisco but is now in over 550 cities-- has sent chills down the spines of newspaper publishers everywhere, thinning newspapers and reducing ad sales.
 
Flim and Cameras that use Film
I have been using a digital camera for almost 8 years or more.  I can't even remember the last time I used a non-digital camera.
 
Dial-Up Internet
I saw on CNN that it is estimated that less than 5% of people that connect to the internet use Dial-up.  Several internet companies are doing away with Dial-up altogether.  With webpages containing movies, music, and tons of pics which take up to an hour to load through dial-up.  Dial-up is soon to be a thing of the past.
 
Wires (Phone, computer, games, etc.)
Wireless is the name of the game.  There is even a new gadget that charges your phones, remotes, cameras, etc. without having to plug them in. 
 
Encyclopedias
Users have traded Britannicas on the bookshelf for the collaboratively-built, online-only Wikipedia.
 




Catalogs
Remember those big thick Sears and JC Penny Catalogs?  You probably won't be seeing them much anymore as everyone is going green.  Everything is online now. 
 



CD's
When was the last time you bought a CD?  It has been almost 5 years for me.  Why  buy a CD when you can stay at home and download songs over the internet on ITunes.  I predict that all music will be online within the next 5 years.
 
Landline Phones
We still have one, but only to call my in-laws and friends in Mexico.  Using our cell phones, we can call anywhere in the U.S. cheaper than using our landline phone.  Once they get a good plan for international calling, we will probably ditch our landline phone altogether.  CNN estimates that almost 20% of homes in the US now do not have a landline phone. 
 



Hand written letters
From time-to-time, I may get a handwritten thank you note, but it seems that 99% of everything I get in the mail is typed on a computer.  Add to that the number of emails that used to be handwritten but are now sent electronically and you have a generation that is going to grow up with poor writing skills. 
 



Newspapers
With dwindling Ad revenue (See above) and the ease of finding your news online, newspapers may soon be a thing of the past.

Bad Tattoos- Continued

Continuing the Bad Tattoo Serious -- Looks Like Somebody F$#@ed up!!!  Good Call Christopher.  I would like it too if I knew who you were!

Signs You are in the Deep South



Confederate Flag Bikini, Leather Chaps, Muffler stand and a big guy admiring a less than flattering ASS -- These are all signs that you are in the deep South my friend!!!

Baby On Board


Saw a car this morning with a "Baby on Board" bumper sticker.  WTF?!?!?!

This ecard pretty much sums up my thoughts about that  old, tired and overused bumper sticker.  Seriously, is that sticker going to make someone not hit the car?  I am pretty sure if you are going to get hit, it is going to happen no matter what you have on your bumper.

And how many people just randomly drive around looking to hit cars?  None that I know of.  So it isn't like the damn bumper sticker is a deterrent!

I move that we retire that bumper sticker and put it to rest, PERMANENTLY!!!

Our Biology Lab


I happened to venture over to the Sciences building this week to visit Richard, a biology and human anatomy professor.  I have known him for a little while.  I walked into the main lab and this is what I found!

And who said Scientists were boring and nerdy?  Kudos to the Biology Guys!

Friday, April 6, 2012

Now That Is A Bad Haircut!

The man below is David C. Davis.  This is his mug shot provided by the Stamford, Conn. police department.  David was arrested and charged with first degree assault in connection with a stabbing.

So why does he have a funky haircut?  Is it the new style?  NO!  David C. Davis was , I am not making this up either, getting a haircut at the time of the incident and has claimed self defense.  Seriously!  I cannot make something up this good!

Amanda Bynes Arrested for DUI

Former Nickelodeon Kids' star and "She's the Man" Actress Amanda Bynes was arrested this morning on suspicion of Driving under the Influence.  Apparently she ran into the back of a Sheriff's vehicle!  Sounds Lindsay Lohan-esque!  Maybe we have the heir apparent to Miss Lohan (of course Lohan isn't dead yet, but she is headed that way).

Here is Amanda's Mugshot from this morning:

Now is anyone surprised by this?  This is becoming a recurring theme amongst teen stars.  They grow up, start partying and get in trouble.  Let's look at some of her tweets from last night and early this morning"  

Not sure what her fascination was with Lilac, but I would guess she was already drunk.  Why else would you tweet Lilac over and over again.  

Amanda, get help!  Don't become another Lohan!!!  

Free Advice Fridays - Vomiting is Always the Last Resort

I know this is a big party night and I know there will be a lot of slimeball guys out there trying to take advantage of girls who have partied a little too hearty.  So here is my New Year's Eve Edition of Free Advice Friday.  Direct from the Oasis Center for Sexual Assault and Relationship Violence:


Personally, I think a Big Kick in the Balls would work just as well.  And it is a little more natural than forcing yourself to vomit, but...Whatever Works!!! 

We are all Perverts!

A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World's Largest Experiment Reveals about Human Desire...you're all sickos  Two of their findings were that Women preferred to watch Gay Male Sex Pornos and Men preferred to watch Overweight Women in Pornos.  No matter what, they found that we were a society of sick pererts.  Here were some of their findings:
Two maverick neuroscientists use the world's largest psychology experiment-the Internet-to study the private activities of millions of men and women around the world, unveiling a revolutionary and shocking new vision of human desire that overturns conventional thinking.

For his groundbreaking sexual research, Alfred Kinsey and his team interviewed 18,000 people, relying on them to honestly report their most intimate experiences. Using the Internet, the neuroscientists Ogas and Gaddam quietly observed the raw sexual behaviors of half a billion people. By combining their observations with neuroscience and animal research, these two young neuroscientists finally answer the long-disputed question: what do people really like? Ogas and Gaddam's findings are transforming the way scientists and therapists think about sexual desire.

In their startling book, Ogas and Gaddam analyze a "billion wicked thoughts" on the Internet: a billion Web searches, a million individual search histories, a million erotic stories, a half-million erotic videos, a million Web sites, millions of online personal ads, and many other enormous sources of sexual data in order to understand the true differences between male and female desires, including:

•The male sexual brain resembles a reckless hunter, while the female sexual brain resembles a cautious detective agency.

•The male sexual brain is an "or gate": A single stimulus can arouse it. The female sexual brain is an "and gate": It requires many simultaneous stimuli to arouse it.

•When it comes to sexual arousal, men prefer overweight women to underweight women, and a significant number of men seek out erotic images of women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

•Women enjoy writing and sharing erotic stories with other women. The fastest growing genre of erotic stories for women are stories about two heterosexual men having sex. 
•Though the male sexual brain is much more different from the female sexual brain than is commonly believed, the sexual brain of gay men is virtually identical to that of straight men.

Featuring cutting-edge, jaw-dropping science, this wildly entertaining and controversial book helps readers understand their partner's sexual desires with a depth of knowledge unavailable from any other source. Its fascinating and occasionally disturbing findings will rock our modern understanding of sexuality, just as Kinsey's reports did sixty years ago.

Free Advice Fridays - The Book I am Working On

Look for it in stores later this year.  Of course, I need to find a publisher first!  



Thursday, April 5, 2012

Snickers Commercials In Latin America - They got it Wrong!

This commercial features the beautiful Anahí, a Mexican Actress and singer.  She has performed on several of the most popular Mexican Telenovelas of all-time.  Some of her telenovelas include "Clase 406" and "Rebelde".

This is a Snickers commercial that airs in Latin America.  It is a Latin America Take on the American Snicker Commercials  where a guy is complaining of not having any energy and he looks like Betty White, Rosie O'Donnell or some other non-looker.  Then he gets a snickers and he turns back into himself. 

I think with this one, the guys should have NOT given the Snickers out.  The dude looked way better as Anahí.


Seriously, what were they thinking?  Wouldn't you rather have Anahí around instead of that guy?

I Want This Fridge!





Add this to my want List!!!  That would look great in the Man Cave.






A Big Puddle, A TV Reporter...I Think We ALL Know What Happens

I Never Knew a Rain Puddle Was that Big of News!  This channel actually sent a reporter out to warn drivers of a Rain Puddle caused by an overnight storm.  How Thoughtful!  I guess she doesn't deserve what happens, but it is DAMN Funny!

Bad Tats - Continued





So what is this exactly?  Is it a random hottie or is it some guy who has a Sarah Palin Obsession?



Check out the first edition of Bad Tats Here.

Math Professors Get Pissy!

A friend sent me this.  It is a little dated, but still shocking!  He found it in the San Francisco Chronicle:


A California university professor has been charged with peeing on a colleague's campus office door...Investigators say a dispute between Petrov and another math professor was the motive.

The Los Angeles Times says Petrov was captured on videotape urinating on the door of another professor's office on the San Fernando Valley campus. School officials had rigged the camera after discovering puddles of what they thought was urine at the professor's door.

This is the behavior of University Professors?  WOW!  How Juvenile!  This says alot about Higher Education in the USA!  Does it surprise you it was a Math Professor? 



Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Maybe Smoking is Worse Than Noise

I know this is from 2004, but check it out!  

 

Note to Mellisa:  Maybe you should be more concerned with the effect SMOKING WILL HAVE ON  YOUR UNBORN CHILD!!!  God Help that Child with a mother like her.  

Miss Morning Sickness

Cincinnati radio station 102.7 WEBN has held an interesting contest the past few years...Miss Morning Sickness. It appears that it is on again for this year, so if you are pregnant and want to show off your hump, starting planning a trip to Cincinnati.  


Personally, I think a pregnant woman is very sexy.  I am going to volunteer my precious time to judge this contest!  Hope they accept.  

Only in Small Town Iowa



This was overheard by a friend of mine who was out at a small-town bar about 30 miles west of Des Moines a couple of weeks back:

Redneck looking guy to his Meth-head looking friend:  Wow! This place is more packed than the Sale Barn on Thursdays!

You won't hear that in too many places other than small-town Iowa.  

When Adoption Goes Wrong

I don't think there is much need for an explanation here...
My guess is her baby is gonna look like the first guy!

DUH!!!! Harvard Study Tells Us What We Already Knew

Seriously?  Harvard spent money on this to research?  Why not just ask a sampling of High School Teachers?  I can't believe that it took someone from Harvard this long to figure out that college isn't for everyone?
A new Harvard study (PDF) says American students need to begin to decide in middle school whether they want to prepare for four-year college and then a career. The alternative approach, the study says, is to begin vocational training for a job earlier.
If they would have talked to about 100 high school teachers, we would have said the same thing.  And we would have saved them a ton of $$$ and time!  I am disappointed in you Harvard!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Provo, UT Gurls! Gotta Love those BYU Chicks!

BYU's sketch comedy group Divine Comedy parodies Katy Perry's "California Gurls" with Provo, UT Girls.

Terrifying Tuesday - Princess Leia Look-Alike


Wait a minute, that isn't it...
OOPS!  That sure isn't it either.  This is TERRIFYING TUESDAY!  Hold on a second!
HERE IT IS.  NOW THIS IS TERRIFYING:
AND SO IS THIS GUY! 


Easter Has Been Cancelled

Sorry Kids...I saw this scene today on a rural road just outside of Des Moines.  It seems the Easter Bunny was getting into shape for Sunday when he was struck by a Hit and Run Driver.  I tried to resuscitate him and save Easter, but I was too late.  

Interesting Marketing for a Phonecard

Toma tu Bizcocho is a phonecard.  You buy it and you can make phone calls, simple as that.  What caught my eye was the phonecard design.  Does a buxom Latina really have anything to do with Phonecards? 

By The Way:  It is one of the biggest selling phone cards in the New York City area.  I guess Sex does sell!

Interesting Baby Walking Attire



Here is a picture of German soccer pro Jermaine Jones on vacation in South Beach with his wife and Former Miss Germany Sarah Gerth and their twins. That may be the most interesting thing I have ever seen a Mommy wear while taking her kids for a stroll.  (Wal-Mart Mommies and their Kids not included -- That is a whole different Class!)

This Day in History -- April 3




1860 - The Pony Express makes its first ride leaving Saint Joseph, Missouri and riding to Sacramento, California.  One of the first messages that they carried was a letter that contained the instructions for constructing the first Intercontinental Telegraph.  Little did the Pony Express Riders know that they were carrying what would become the death of the Pony Express.  The Pony Express only rode until the Fall of 1861, closing down just days after the first Intercontinental Telegraph was completed.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Pissed Off Orchestra Teacher!

This is actually year old, but it is still funny!

Duct Taping Boobs - Is this Common?


A friend sent me this "Priceless" poster.  It shows a lady who has duct-taped her boobs together so she has more cleavage. 

My Questions: 
--Is this a common practice?  I thought it was an urban myth or something.
--Does it hurt? I guess you could use pre-wrap or something...
--What happens if you meet a guy and end up, well, you know, ...  I think that would be a little awkward. 
Ladies, I am awaiting your responses.  Let me know if you have done this or know of girls who have.




More Duct Taped Boobs:

April Newcomb - You can kiss your "Mother of the Year" chances Goodbye!

I don't know who are more screwed up these days:  Our Youth or the Parents?  I really think that some of the reason that our schools are not doing all that great is because of the "norms" in some of the communities and families that are around this country.  Look at this example:
A Florida woman has been arrested on child abuse charges after being caught on video apparently egging on her daughter in a fight with another teenage girl.
April Newcomb is another mother who will never win the "Mother of the Year" award.  What class!

Overheard at Jordan Creek Mall in West Des Moines

Overheard at Jordan Creek Mall in West Des Moines, Iowa

Aging woman who has had a lot of Plastic Surgery: I've been all over the world. All over. Every continent, practically.
I assume her friend: Where have you been?
Aging woman: I haven't been to Africa... Asia... I haven't gone to India or Russia... The Middle East... Uh... I've been to Europe a lot.
Friend: Where in Europe?
Aging woman: The Bahamas.

Once again, people making Iowans look "smart"

Good Job Kathy!!!

This is why you don't air dirty family business on Facebook.  Read the whole thing and pay attention to the last post.  Hilarious!!!


Welcome to April!!!

Model April Arikssen Welcomes us to Her
Month!  
Month:
  • National Humor Month
  • International Guitar Month
  • Keep America Beautiful Month
  • Lawn and Garden Month
  • National Poetry Month
  • National Pecan Month
  • National Welding Month
  • Records and Information Management Month
  • Stress Awareness Month
  • Sexual Assault Awareness Month
Weekly Celebrations:
  • Week 1 Library Week
  • Week 1 Read a Road Map Week.
  • Week 2 Garden Week
  • Week 3 Organize Your Files Week
  • Week 3 Medical Labs Week
  • Week 4 Administrative Assistants Week
  • Week 4 National Karaoke Week
Each Day:
1 April Fool's Day
1 International Fun at Work Day
1 International Tatting Day
2 Children's Book Day
2 National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
2 Reconciliation Day
3 Don't Go to Work Unless it's Fun Day
3 Tweed Day
4 Hug a Newsman Day
4 Walk Around Things Day
4 School Librarian Day
4 Tell a Lie Day
5 Go for Broke Day  
6 National Walk to Work Day - first Friday of month
6 Plan Your Epitaph Day 
6 Sorry Charlie Day -- This Day must have been made for Charlie Sheen!
7 Caramel Popcorn Day 
7 No Housework Day
7 World Health Day
8 All is Ours Day
8 Draw a Picture of a Bird Day
8 Easter Date varies
9 Dyngus Day always the Monday after Easter
9 Name Yourself Day
9 Winston Churchill Day
10 Golfer's Day 
10 National Siblings Day
11 Eight Track Tape Day
11 Barbershop Quartet Day
11 National Submarine Day
12 Big Wind Day
12 Russian Cosmonaut Day
13 Scrabble Day
14 Ex Spouse Day
14 International Moment of Laughter Day
14 Look up at the Sky Day 
14 National Pecan Day
14 Reach as High as You Can Day
15 Rubber Eraser Day
15 Titanic Remembrance Day
16 National Eggs Benedict Day
16 National Librarian Day
16 National Stress Awareness Day
16 Patriot's Day - third Monday of the month
17 Blah, Blah, Blah Day
17 National Cheeseball Day     
17 Pet Owners Independence Day
18 International Juggler's Day 
18 Newspaper Columnists Day
19 National Garlic Day
19 National High Five Day third Thursday
20 Look Alike Day
20 Volunteer Recognition Day
21 Kindergarten Day
22 Girl Scout Leader Day
22 National Jelly Bean Day
23 Lover's Day
23 National Zucchini Bread Day
23 Take a Chance Day
23 World Laboratory Day
24 Pig in a Blanket Day
25 East meets West Day
25 Executive Admin's Day (Secretary's Day) - date varies, Also called Administrative Professional's Day
25 World Penguin Day
26 Hug an Australian Day
26 National Pretzel Day
26 Richter Scale Day
26 Take Your Daughter to Work 4th Thursday
27 Babe Ruth Day
27 National Prime Rib Day
27 Tell a Story Day
28 Great Poetry Reading Day
28 Kiss Your Mate Day 
29 Greenery Day
29 National Shrimp Scampi Day
30 Hairstyle Appreciation Day
30 National Honesty Day

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Longaberger Building - UGLY!!


No, this is not a giant picnic basket.  Well, yes it is, kind of, in a weird way.  This is the headquarters of Longaberger Corporation or Inc. or whatever.  Anyway, they manufacture picnic baskets, picnic materials, etc.  So this dude, Mr. Longaberger, loves Wicker Picnic baskets so much that he decided to have his office building built to resemble one. 

UH...Mr. Longaberger; I really think you need to get a hobby or something and stop obsessing with picnic stuff.  It is kind of weird.  Oh yeah, your building is kinda ugly too!!!

The American Dream



Isn't this what the American Dream is all about?

Seriously- You get pregnant, drink a concealed rum and coke, smoke your cigs with your first kid in tow.  You even get to show your love bump and wear short, tight shorts.

A Buddy Sent me this Pic.  He used to live in Southwest Iowa and told me this was pretty typical around there. 

What I Think of "WTF Facts"

Sorry about the language, but that's a twitter account that I follow that tweets out really weird facts all day long. I like to respond to them, for some reason, and here's what I have said to the fine folks at "WTF Facts" so far.

WTF Facts: Men with a certain rare medical condition can breastfeed babies.
SMM (That's me, the Semi-MadMan): That "condition" is called man boobies.

WTF Facts: In an average day, a four year old child will ask 437 questions!
SMM: And they will say "Mom" or "Dad" 917 times a day just to try and get your attention!

WTF Facts: More people have cell phones than access to a decent toilet.
SMM: Seriously?  Where do all of these people text at?  There is nothing like Texting while Pooing!

WTF Facts: Women fart just as much in a day as men.
SMM: The lady in the office next to mine is an exception.  She Farts Way more than the average man!

WTF Facts: Facebook was directly related to 1/3 of divorces (Don't quote this stat. Couldn't find the original).
SMM: Twitter and Tumblr need to step up their game!

WTF Facts: 42% of couples have sex in front of a pet (another guessed stat because I couldn't find the original)
SMM: Of course.  If the wife won't let you videotape it, then you have to at least have an audience.

WTF Facts: Two dogs survived the sinking of the Titanic.
SMM: So does this mean another Leonard DiCaprio movie...

How did April Fools Day Come About?

Good question my dear readers. 

April Fools Day is a day on which you can get away with all types of practical jokes and stupid behavior. Every year on April Fools Day, people play pranks of all kinds on friends, family members, co-workers, relatives, and even strangers.

So how did this fun holiday get its start?  Let's go back to Chaucer's time and his Canterbury Tales.  In Chaucer’s well known literary work, Canterbury Tales, there is a story called the “Nun’s Priest’s Tale” which supposedly takes place on March 32 days after “March.” Obviously, March only has 31 days, so most people naturally assumed the author must have been referring to April 1st.

The date the author was actually referring to was May 2nd, 32 days after “March,” which was the English celebration of King Richard II’s engagement to his bride (The Brits like to celebrate everything!) Thus, Chaucer effectively “fooled” everyone. Additionally, on that day in Chaucer’s story, a Rooster named “Chauntecleer” was tricked by a fox. These two things in Chaucer’s story eventually became in large part the origins of the term, “April Fools Day.”

You have to remember that people living during Chaucer's times did not have luxuries such as DVD's, TV, Radio, etc. Therefore, stories like this were recited all over the countryside by people telling stories to their children and friends, making Chaucer’s story the medieval equivalent of a blockbuster Hollywood movie.  Canterbury Tales had a huge impact on Medieval Popular culture at that time.  Before long, other writers began to pick up the idea of an “April Fools Day” and ran with it, incorporating it into their own stories involving pranks, jokes, and other humor.

So there you have it. This is how April Fools Day began.  So give thanks to Chaucer and read a copy of Canterbury Tales today.  It is a great book and the reason why everyone is out pranking everyone else today.  Have fun!!!

Warning - It's April Fools Day!

Be extra careful today as there will be many out there that are trying to Prank you, me included!!!  Have fun and welcome to April!
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