Saturday, May 19, 2012

Meet PowerGirl


I haven't met her, but she looks like a MILF.  My buddy Ron from Cali sent this too me.  

Jules Winnfield (Samuel Jackson) as a Hockey Coach

This is hilarious, even if you don't like Hockey!!!  Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson's Character from Pulp Fiction) as a hockey coach.

Wrong Email Carla!!!

So I received this email this evening:


Title: Last Night

To: semi.madman@gmail.com
From:vandermatelaw@aim.com
Sent:Thu 5/17/12 12:27 PM



Matt,
Missed you at breakfast last night.
Hope your friend had a nice birthday.
I was serious about the snow boarding. 
How do I book a lesson?
Carla
SO, Several weird things wrong with this one.  Let us list them!

1.  Who the Hell eats breakfast at night?  I guess maybe if you were going to Denny's, but you don't go around asking "Hey buddy, want to eat breakfast tonight?"
2.  Who the Hell is Carla? 
3.  Glad Carla is serious about snow boarding lessons.  Too bad I am not a snow boarder.  I suck at it and if I gave lessons, I would probably only teach you how to correctly fall. 
4.  And it is May Carla?  Unless we go to the southern hemisphere, snowboarding season is over!
5.  I had a friend that had a birthday?  Damn, I missed it!!!  Sorry buddy -- whoever you are.  I will remember your birthday next year.
6.  You want to book a lesson -- Find the right Steve!

I hate getting these emails!  Did you not see the email address?   Yes, I am a Matt, but I don't think I am the right one.  


Carla, you are either very stupid or very mistaken.  And since it appears that you work for a law firm (check her email address), I am going to make a note to never have someone from VanderMateLaw take any of my cases.  My guess is your firm does not have a great record!!!  (PS: I googled it and VanderMate Law is based in San Jose)

Good Luck Carla finding a snow board instructor in May!


On another note:  Carla, if you are a hottie, I will look you up the next time I am in San Jose and I will take you to breakfast.  Let me know!  



Megan Fox Drinks Vinegar for her Diet

People wanting to lose some extra pounds are standing up and taking notice of Megan Fox's diet routine.  She drinks Vinegar. 

First of all people, if you’re taking advice from celebrities on health, nutrition and diet matters, then you’re pretty much an idiot. If you’re taking advice from Megan Fox then you’re beyond help!!
Health experts have warned dieters against taking advice from actress Megan Fox. The Transformers star has been blasted for hailing the benefits of swigging vinegar. She recently said, “It just cleanses out your system entirely. “It will get rid of … for women who retain water weight from your menstrual cycle and all that … it gets rid of it really fast.
 Fox wanted to stress the fact that she’s not really big on exercising and that she has weakness for sweets, so she decides to do “vinegar cleanses” to make up for all the sugar and other crud she takes in.
So, Megan Fox is suggesting that you swill vinegar to cleanse your system.  Uh...does anyone else see how stupid this is?  I mean Vinegar????  SICK!!!!!!

On the other hand, the diet looks like it is working!



A Jealous Siri

The IPhone4's Siri gets a little jealous!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Woman Opens a Beer Bottle with her Boob!

Once again, I am in love!!!  Any girl that can open beer bottles with her tits is a high quality chick!

Sex on the First Date -- Definitely a Good Thing!!



In my opinion, it just cuts to the chase.

Consider this: Relationships aren't all about sex, but that's a big part of it. I mean, you wouldn't date and/or marry someone who wasn't fairly good in bed, correct? Now I know there are a few people that will say "But it is all about love, sex isnt important" I am all for love. It is super important. I would say it is the most important thing. But, for most people, sex is right up there. A relationship with terrible sex is doomed 80% of the time (That is my estimate).

I know of two relationships where they waited until they were married for sex. Both of them ended in divorce. One was because of sex. It was the girl who said she wanted more and better quality, so she started screwing around. The other was a combination of things, but one of them was that the sex was boring. I know there are many relationships in which they have waited to have sex and the relationships survived. And that is great. As for me, I want to test drive the car before buying it, you know what I mean. And it seems most of them women I know feel the same way.

Now, there are certain things about people – let's call them "personal quirks" – that might take a while to reveal themselves. Maybe she likes to pick fights with football players when she's drunk and you have to step in to defend her (And get your ass kicked). Maybe he likes to paint "Yankees 4 Eva" on his ass and sprint naked through the yard after each Yankee victory (Being a Yankee should doom the relationship right there. Frickin Yankees!!). Maybe she keeps voodoo dolls of all her ex-boyfriends in the attic and periodically sticks pins in them. All potential deal breakers – but also the sort of things that don't become apparent 'til a few weeks or months into the relationship. But a bad fuck? You'll be able to spot that sucka the minute you get rolling.

So while some might consider you "slutty" for screwing on the first date, I would prefer to think of you as a cautious consumer, who's simply performing responsible consumerism. Party on!

A Big Wheel of Fortune Fail!

Even my dog was barking "Magic Wand" to this one!

Free Advice Friday -- Random Advice for a Great Life

Want to Live a great Life?  Then follow my advice and you have a pretty good chance of achieving that dream:

1.  Don't Cut Your Own Bangs -- They always come out crooked... AND, you just keep cutting and cutting and cutting...

2.  Don't complain about stuff, it isn't going to change things.

3.  Relax at least 30 minutes each day -- Whether it is laying on the couch reading, watching TV, listening to music, whatever.  It will help you stay focused and happy.

4.  Sleep, Sleep, SLEEP!  -- Don't short yourself on sleep.  I can go on 5 hours a sleep if I have to, but I get all cranky and can't think straight.  Try to get at least 8 hours a sleep a night.  You will feel better and you won't piss others off.

5.  Smile - Always smile unless you are angry, then give the best "Mean Face" look you can.

6.  Talk slowly but think quickly

7.  Always let your Boss have the First Say.  After that, you can go to town.  I would much rather have the final say than the first say, wouldn't you?

8.  B.S. may get you to the top, but you won't stay there long if that is all you got.  In other words, Diversify!

9.  When you are in a ton of trouble, don't talk!  I have found that talking when in trouble or trying to talk your way out of a jam makes things worse more times than it helps.

10.  Use the bathroom productively -- If you have to go in there and take a long "Bathroom break", then do something productive while there.  I read, grade papers, write blog posts, etc.  Think about it:  Where else can you work in total peace and quiet without interruptions.  As long as you can stand the smell, then think of it as your second office.

11.  Everybody makes mistakes, so laugh it up when they happen!  We all need a good laugh, just don't get mad when they laugh at your mistakes.

12.  Stop from time to time to "Smell the skunk" - Life isn't always a bed of roses.  That phrase "Stop and smell the roses" is good but sometimes you need to smell the skunk, or rotting meat, or roadkill or the worst Fart ever.  This will help you keep your life in perspective.

13.  Don't throw bricks straight up in the air.


That's it for now, although I am sure I will think of some others.  Add your own in the comment section if you have any.  Have a great weekend!

Mint Limeade

It is getting to be that time again!  Summer is nearly here.  Soon, people will be sitting out and relaxing on their decks or getting some sun in the backyard.  You have to keep hydrated and there is nothing better than Mint Limeade.

I used to make this years ago.  I haven't made it recently, but I am going to be making a lot of this during the hot summer months.  I found the notes I had scribbled down for it this weekend and thought I would share it with you.  Here is how to make it:



Homemade Mint Limeade
Makes 2 glasses
Fresh Squeezed Juice of 6 limes
2 tsp finely chopped fresh mint
3 T of syrup (preferably bar syrup)
2 1/2 c water 
Whisk together the lime juice, mint, and agave nectar.  Divide lime mixture between two medium size glasses.  Fill the glasses slightly more than half way with ice cubes.  Stir well to chill lime mixture.  Pour 1 1/4 cups of flat or sparkling water into each glass and stir well.
Good Stuff.  If you want to turn it into a party, add some alcohol to it and you have a refreshing fun drink for those pool parties and evenings on the back patio.
Enjoy!!!
  

This is So True!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Rough Sex Facts



I think this is reason enough for everyone to start having wild, crazy, sweaty SEX!!!!!

Giving head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.

Having nice sex burnes 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes
with her consent...........12 cal
without......................187 cal

Take off her Bra
With two hands.........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal

Put on Protection
hard ...........................6 cal
soft..........................315 cal

Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot .....................92 cal
I don't F***ing care................0 cal

Entry
Holding her................12 cal
On the floor.................8 cal

With Different Position
Missionary............................358 cal
Doggy..................................316 cal
69 lying................................286 cal
69 standing...........................512 cal
Italian hanger........................912 cal

Orgasm
Real................................112 cal
Faking.............................315 cal

After "O"
Lying in Bed.....................................18 cal
Hop off the bed.................................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off......816 cal

Getting dressed
Quiet and calm...............................................32 cal
Rushing.........................................................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sista at the door..1942 cal

I think I may have burned a few million calories having sex during my lifetime!!!!

Figure out how many calories you have burned.

Disturbing Ford Commercial in England

This is a little extreme for a car commercial!  Warning:  Cat lovers may want to skip this post!

Woman in Wheelchair Strips to Lingerie for Airport Security

Actually, this doesn't surprise me anymore.  I am sure there will be tons of videos of guys and girls nearly stripped down so they can go through security.
Does anyone else find it strange that she has a dog on her lap?

The Value of the Dollar

Finally, a store truly understands our economy!

Dysfunctional Review of Wendy's

An Actual Review of Wendy's found on Google:

Puto Rice

For those who Speak Spanish, those words in the post title probably caught you off guard.  Don't worry, this is an actually product.  If you go to South East Asia, this steamed white rice cake is fairly popular.  I found it for only $2.99 on Amazon.com.  Not sure if this will catch on in Latin America.  

For those who like your Rice "old-style", there is Classic Puto Rice!

We Really are Blind...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

New York Fries Ad - Interesting

Interesting add for New York Fries.  Product Placement is key, isn't it.  If you haven't seen this add, it is because New York Fries are an international chain of French Fry Stands around the world.  They are in Canada, Hong Kong, Korea, Dubai and Bahrain, but they are not found in the United States.  Personally, I like Chicago fries better than New York Fries...

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has a Dirty Mind!

Kareem was on Jeopardy this week and the question was about film ratings.  He guessed X, and it wasn't right.  Shows where his mind is at.



To be honest, that was my first guess too...Welcome to the "Dirty Minds" club Kareem!

Bikini Hockey League


A dude in Tulsa, OK wants to start a Bikini Hockey League.  Cary Eskridge is said dude and his idea doesn't sound all that bad.  Girls in Bikinis on skate...I would pay to see that.  They could recruit Wayne Gretzky's hottie daughter, Paulina, as their first star.


Here are some ladies who they could recruit:




Had Dinner at a Friend's House and This is What I Found

YES, that is a half eaten pickle sitting on his bathroom counter.  Weird!  The dude is single and lives alone.  I guess he likes to eat pickles while taking a dump and put it down to wipe, then he forgot it.

I have to admit, I have seen some weird things in bathrooms and this is near the top of the list!  (sorry Rob for posting this and taking a picture.  I should have told you first, but hardly anyone reads this blog so don't worry; no one will see it!)


Reasons to Buy Hillshire Farms Luncheon Meats


The Free Tupperware container does the trick for me!  

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Conan O'Brien and Octomom

HILARIOUS!!!!

Sneezing Baby Panda Scares The Crap out of Mommy Panda

Hilarious and Cute!

Leave it to the South - The Red House promotes Racial Unity

This is a strange commercial from a furniture store in North Carolina.  They want to make sure that everyone realizes that they are welcome at The Red House.  And I mean Everyone. 

Terrifying Tuesdays - UFO's in Iowa!

I was shocked to find this list on the internet.  Are Iowans this crazy?  Are there that many people that believe in UFO's?  WOW!!!  Check it out and see if there are any UFO spottings in your area of the state.

Here is a list of UFO sightings in Iowa since 1939.

You Will Never Unsee This

Larry King, Shirtless!!!  I will have nightmares for months!

Stadium Seat Fails from Around the World

Stadium seating fails around the world

Monday, May 14, 2012

Vag Gloss...Seriously?


Love the wording there:   "Your Little Muff" and the warning "Do not apply on anus"

My question:  What if you have a Big Muff?

Cheese Balls!!!

I have a problem -- I am addicted to something that may destroy me.  They will probably clog up my arteries, give me high blood pressure, put my Cholesterol readings off the chart and then do me in with a Heart Attack!! 

My Addiction?  Cheese Balls, Fried Cheese Curds, whatever you want to call these delicious breaded balls of cheese deep fried in unhealthy oils.  I am completely and utterly powerless over you little balls! (That sounded bad)

I eat them whenever I can.  The State Fair, the County Fair, Covered Bridge Festival in Winterset, Hickory Park and any other restaurant that has them.  If it is on the menu, I will probaby order them!, even from my deep fryer in my garage.  I need an intervention!!!!  Somebody please help me!

Overheard in Hy-Vee





Two old ladies in the local Hy-Vee…

Old Lady 1: My grandson is such a wussy.
Old Lady 2: What’s a wussy? Like a pussy?
Old Lady 1: (In an onimous voice) Much worse dear, much worse.

Penis Slippers

I am getting these for the wifey!

3 Minute Brownies

A Friend sent me this via email.  I may have to give this a shot.  If anyone has already tried it, let us know how it went. 

This Will Bring You Down

A List of everything that has been declared extinct on Planet Earth during the time that Modern Humans (That would be Us) inhabited the place.

We really Suck!!!!

Here Comes Monday...

...and this is how I feel this morning!  Classes are over, but I still have to work!  :(


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Moms are Great!


10 Nutshots That Make Me Feel the Pain...Then I Laugh

Happy Mother's Day to all the MILFS!









Clever Advertising


Just Some Random Facts

--Baseball legend Joe DiMaggio invented the Sloppy Joe sandwich.
--True atheists will not make snow angels.
--In 1997, Taco Bell briefly offered a chinchilla burrito. 
--Flavor Flav is known throughout the rap world for his devotion to punctuality.
--The femur (thigh bone) is the longest bone in the human body. This is true for all humans except Regis Philbin.
--Dimebag Darrell and 50 Cent are fifth cousins.
--The household product Swiffer is based on sketches made by Leonardo Da Vinci.
--Madeline Albright and Ted Bundy were high school sweethearts.  Hence his turn to the darkside. 
--William Faulkner wrote a screenplay called "Sleepless in Mississippi."  It was turned into the hit movie "Sleepless in Seattle"

MORE TO COME...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

I want to wish all the Mothers out there a Wonderful Mother's Day and thanks for all that you do.  A big THANK YOU to my great mom and my wife.  Thanks for putting up with me  :) 

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