Saturday, December 1, 2012

The World According to Americans

A friend of mine is a Brit and he sent this too me this week.  You have probably seen it as it has been trolling around the internet for sometime now.  I just wanted to post it on the off chance that you have not seen it.  Unfortunately, this is the way many people outside of the U.S. see all Americans.  And, unfortunately, there are some Americans that think this way.  I am happy to say that they are in the minority.  The majority of Americans are much more educated and better-informed.  And then there is another large group that has no clue what the world is like outside of the U.S., or even their county.  Those two groups probably make up 90% of Americans, so the number of ignorant idiots who think like this graphic shows is rather small.  Thank God!

Sexy Music Video - Bikini Girls Dance to House Music

This is Henry "Cream Cheez" Landivar - Disko Tek - Bikini Video Version.  I am not into house music, but I am into Bikini Clad Women.

Drunken Friday Night Recap

Last night I had to go downtown to Court Avenue for my good friend Johnnys' birthday party. I could tell it was going to be a wild night.  I got down there and the first bar we went into was packed and it seemed as if everyone was drunk.  Folks were falling into me, spilling stuff, bumping into chairs, etc.but I'm cool with that because I've likely been "that guy" twice as many times as them.

Without a doubt, the drunkest human in there was someone I met named Jen. She came up to me and ripped my retro 80's snap shirt open, then she and a friend howled like "Girls Gone Wild," and then she walked away. Later, we had a more civilized encounter, and she was telling me how she was pretty sure her friend liked me. I said, "But Jen, weren't you the one trying to strip me naked a minute ago?" She also had a strange habit of taking pictures of people she doesn't know, which is probably fun at the time but confusing the next day when she scans through her handy work.

Anyway, We talked for a couple of minutes, then she introduced me to her friend.  Then, all of a sudden they both yelled and demanded that we buy them several shots!  We obliged and ended up going through about 6 rounds of shots in about 15 minutes.  That and the beer combined to make me shitfaced by about 10:45.  Way too early and I knew I was in Trouble.

As the night went on, Jen and her friends tried to talk us into going to a friends party.  We agreed (They were cute) and we headed out.  The deal was that we would follow them to the party.  It was in Urbandale and they told us the vicinity it was in and the address.  I told my buddy to write down the address but he said he remembered it.

We took off and knew we were screwed.  These girls drove like Danica Patrick.  Most of us were drunk (The driver was ok) and everyone who was not driving was drinking beer in the car.  Needless to say, we did not want to risk getting pulled over by the cops and having our night end with tickets for speeding, open containers and whatever else the cops could think of.  Besides, J.J remembered the address, right?  NOT!  He had already forgotten.

So we fell back on the interstate and soon the girls were out of sight.  We decided to drive back to one of the guy's houses and have a few beers there and watch some TV.  As we are heading west on I-235, we see flashing lights up ahead.  We slow down and creep by the cops and the car they pulled over.  Lo and behold, the car that was stopped was the Ford Taurus that Jen and her friends were driving. We just waved and smiled as we drove by and headed straight to the house.

Seeing as all 4 of the women in that car had been drinking and taking shots with us, I am pretty sure that the driver would have gotten busted for drunk driving as well as speeding.  I had even mentioned to them earlier while we were taking shots that they should have had a designated driver. They told us a friend was coming to pick them up.

Moral of the story - Always have a designated driver and be safe!

The Hottest News Anchor of All Time?

I have no idea what she is saying and I could care less!  Look at what she is wearing! Why don't news anchors here in the U.S. dress like that.

This Dog Knows How To Get Back at His Owner

Chalk one up for the Canines!!!

Maury Wants Your Stories...


I seriously want to call the Maury show and just start describing the Home Alone Movie.  I wonder how long it would take the idiots that work there would figure it out?  O

My Friend Cheryl Talks About Being a Sex Worker

Cheryl (not her real name) is a friend I know here in Chicago. She is a nice girl who lives in the same building that I do.  Her apartment is just three doors down.  We are friends.  She is cool and we like the same stuff.  We have never dated as we quickly entered the "Friend" Zone and now are too close and don't want to risk messing up our friendship.

Cheryl has a secret that not many people know about.  She is a sex worker.  She has spent the last 6 years working in the sex industry.  She started working in a peep show place to make some extra $$$ to help pay for college.  She struggled in college and found out that school wasn't for her.  Besides, she was making pretty good money on the side.  She started stripping in a local club.  The money kept getting better. 

Cheryl reads the blog and she asked me if she could write something about her life.  She wanted to rant a little and saw "Ramblings of a Semi-Madman" as the perfect place to get things off her chest.  

Without further hesitation, here is Cheryl.


Hi, First off I want to say that I love this blog.  Tony and his friends are great writers and they keep everyone entertained.  Well done guys!  

As Tony said, I am a Sex Worker. That sounds bad, but it really isn't.  It is what you make out of it.  It can be a horrible life or it can be pretty damn good!  I have always loved Sex.  I lost my virginity at the age of 15.  I loved it.  I kind of became sex-obsessed for awhile.  I had a boyfriend for a year and a half (the guy who I lost my virginity to) and we tried to do it all the time.  We snuck backstage in the auditorium at our High school, went to friends houses whose parents weren't home, did it in cars, etc.  Then we broke up and I went to college.  Sex was still on my mind, but I just didn't have the time for it.  

I quickly went into debt from bills.  College is not cheap.  I had rent to pay, needed food, books, etc.  There was a neighbor who owned a peep show place and he offered me a job.  I kind of liked the idea of guys watching me, but not touching me.  And that is how my sex working career started.  

Since then, I’ve done many different kinds of sex work. I’ve been a cam girl, a porn performer, a professional escort, and a stripper.  I have also held jobs working in a clothing retail store on Michigan Ave. and at a Pizza restaurant while doing my sex work on the side.  

Currently, I am working at a Pizza place in the suburbs. They just found out about my side job.  And just because of that, they have become assholes to me at work.  Everything was fine.  We all got along, but one of them finds out what I do after I get off work, spreads the word and they treat me like shit.  Nothing has changed about me.  I am the same person I was before they knew.   I get so frustrated at how I’m treated at work. It really gets to me. It has gotten so bad that I find myself breaking down and crying once I get into my car to drive home. I hate how dehumanizing it is. People don’t acknowledge me as a person. They think I’m less than them because of my job. Maybe they don’t actively think that, but that’s how they treat me.  Reminder here, I am talking about my restaurant job.

I am thinking of quitting my restaurant job and going back to being a full-time sex worker.  Currently, I strip and go out on "dates" with guys.  Why would I give up a"mainstream" job?  Frankly, the money is better and I have way more independence.  When I’m doing sex work I can refuse a customer. I can be rude to them if they are being rude to me. I don’t have to apologize for their mistakes. I don’t have to be sweet when they are being inappropriate. I negotiate my limits, and I only do what I feel comfortable doing. They don’t get to order off the menu, I’m not going to bend over backwards for them.

I find it oppressive to work for minimum wage. I find it oppressive to act like the customer is always right. I find it dehumanizing to apologize for things that aren’t my fault, like how much something costs or if you order something wrong and you want it remade the correct way. I find it dehumanizing to say “Hi! How are you?” and in response get “Yeah I just need a blah blah blah” and then have a customer go back to their cell phone conversation. I hate being reduced to a cash register.

So screw that!  Screw those idiots at the restaurant.  Screw my boss, he knows about my side job and all he said was "while you are fucking them, mention the restaurant.  Maybe some of them will come in here to see you.  You can get some business for us."  Fuck Him!  

My life in Sex is way better than most people's lives in the "Corporate World".  Where else can you make a few thousand a month just for having orgasms (luckily, I am a girl who cums easily.  I probably have an orgasm at least 75% of the time that I have sex.)  I took these jobs working in clothing and then in a restaurant because I wanted to give the "normal" business world a try.  But I am done with it.  Screw it!  

For the three years after I dropped out of college and went full steam into Sex work (I was stripping, did porn shoots in and around Chicago and I went to Vegas a few times, Had a pay Webcam Site, and was an escort) I was making almost $7,000 a month.  And much of that was tax free.  I only paid taxes on the wages from the strip club (not the tips) and for the money I was paid for the porn movies.  I was crazy to leave all of that behind.  This is one woman who is proud to work in the Sex Industry!


The 7 Deadly Sins on Gilligan's Island

Can you believe that Gilligan's Island was a television show with deep Christian underpinnings and hidden meanings about a bunch of people being stranded on a strange island that kind of mirrored "Hell"?

I knew it all along, but there were many who did not know for years until the creator of the show confessed.  Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of Gilligan's Island, said he patterned the ’seven stranded castaways’ after the seven deadly sins but he didn't admit it until years later in his book about the show.

I'm sure you can attribute the sins to the proper characters but here they are:
The Professor – Pride
Thurston Howell III - Greed
Ginger - Lust
Mary Ann - Envy (of Ginger's looks)
Mrs. Lovey Howell - Gluttony
The Skipper - Anger or wrath
Gilligan – Sloth

Some have even speculated that the castaways were in Hell and Gilligan (who always wore red!!!!!) did everything he could to ensure they stayed there making Gilligan "Satan."

Who Thought Gilligan's Island was a "Deep and Thought Provoking" show (Those were my words).  I may have been the only one who thought these things when I was watching it as a 9 and 10 year old.  I remember sitting on the couch thinking to myself "Boss, this show is just like what we were learning in Sunday School last week.  As a matter of fact, Gilligan kind of acts like the Devil himself!"

Damn, I was a perceptive Kid!!!

Crazy Naked Guy Fail


Is the first guy coming after him carrying a Straight-Jacket?  And what a fail at the end!

A National Texting Championship?



Seriously?  Do we really need this?  And I bet ESPN was broadcasting it live!

Welcome to December!

December is more than just Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza and New Year's Eve.

December is also:  Hi Neighbor Month, National Stress Free Family Holiday Month, Bingo's Birthday Month, and Read A New Book Month


DAY BY DAY - Let's Look at December Holidays:

December 1 is . . . . . National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day
December 2 is . . . . . National Fritters Day
December 3 is . . . . . National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
December 4 is . . . . . Wear Brown Shoes Day
December 5 is . . . . . National Sacher Torte Day
December 6 is . . . . . National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day
December 7 is . . . . . National Cotton Candy Day
December 8 is . . . . . Take It In The Ear Day
December 9 is . . . . . National Pastry Day
December 10 is . . . . Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales
December 11 is . . . . National Noodle Ring Day
December 12 is . . . . National Ding-A-Ling Day
December 13 is . . . . Ice Cream and Violins Day
December 14 is . . . . National Bouillabaisse Day
December 15 is . . . . National Lemon Cupcake Day
December 16 is . . . . National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
December 17 is . . . . Underdog Day and National Maple Syrup Day
December 18 is . . . . National Roast Suckling Pig Day
December 19 is . . . . Oatmeal Muffin Day
December 20 is . . . . Games Day
December 21 is . . . . Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day,
National French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day
December 22 is . . . . National Date-Nut Bread Day
December 23 is . . . . Roots Day
December 24 is . . . . National Egg Nog Day
December 25 is . . . . National Pumpkin Pie Day
December 26 is . . . . National Whiners Day
December 27 is . . . . National Fruitcake Day
December 28 is . . . . Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day
December 29 is . . . . Pepper Pot Day
December 30 is . . . . Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and  
                                   National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day
December 31 is . . . . Unlucky Day


Friday, November 30, 2012

This is How Accidents Happen!

Although I do endorse Female Masturbation, I do not endorse Female Masturbation WHILE DRIVING!  That is just plain Dangerous!  I would be willing to bet that there are at least 20 accidents a year caused by females masturbating.  If you are going to masturbate in the car, please pull over.

Porn Star Quotes - Jenna Jameson




“I'm good at a lot of things. Sex being one of them - so I think I've certainly succeeded at that.” -- Jenna Jameson

British Hottie Katie Price

Katie Price used to be known by the name Jordan.  Why did she switch her name?  I have no idea and I really don't care.  She is a hottie and has some big boobies.  She is also loved by us because she does not like to wear a bra.  Just look at these pics below.  You can thank us later!


How To Lose Weight Fast -- With Midori

Midori helps us out with this week's edition of Free Advice Friday.  Enjoy!

Free Advice Fridays -- How to Relax

It has been a very stressful week, Heck it has been a Stressful Month!!!!  I think we all could use a little help relaxing.  Relaxation is key to a healthy and fruitful life (Did I actually say fruitful?  I am getting soft).

So, without further ado, I am going to serve up some great advice about relaxing.  And the best thing is -- IT IS FREE OF CHARGE!!!!  You can thank me later.





Need some help relaxing on the toilet?  Constipated? Do you have to strain just to poop??  I found this picture and a short explanation.  Basically, prop your feet up a little and you will have a nice, relaxed and strain-free bowel movement.  I already know a bunch of you are thanking me already!!!








Shell out $9,000 for a sonic lounger.  The website says The Sonic Lounger “massages and resonates the entire body with crystal clear vibration, transferring high fidelity music into the skin, bones and tissue, allowing the subtleties and depth of sound that cannot be heard with the ears to be viscerally experienced.”
It doesn't really look relaxing, but it better be.  I know if I spent $9,000 on anything, I would need a lot of relaxing!!!!






Buy a Hammock!!  When I lived in Mexico, I loved Hammocks.  They are nice and comfy and you get to be outside, listening to nature.  The ultimate in relaxation (unless you live in a huge noisy town or in Iowa, where you could only use the thing for about 4 months out of the year)









Take up Yoga.  I haven't tried it, but everyone says it is calming.  Plus, it is supposed to be healthy too.  And, lots of chicks do yoga, so join a yoga class guys.
















Buy this book, then Quit your job and move to Key West!!  Let's face it, your job is probably the number one reason you are stressed out.  Leave it all behind and live in Paradise.  (Note -- You better have about a million dollars saved up to do this one.  If you don't, you can quit your job and live in a one bedroom trailer out in the country; Same thing, just the poor version)













Take a Bubble Bath -- Not just any bubble bath, but one with those fancy relaxing pellets you buy at Bed & Bath for $25.  They really work!!  (Note -- If you are like the person above who is going to quit your job and move into a trailer, you may want to substitute Dishwashing soap for the Bed & Bath stuff)












Buy one of those Relaxation CDs.  They say relaxing music will clear your mind and melt your stress away.  Either that or drive you crazy enough to destroy your CD player.















The best way to relax -- Sleep!!  Get lots of sleep and sleep wherever you can.  I have slept on stairs, tables, the bed of a truck, on a motorcycle, etc.  Don't worry about where you sleep, just SLEEP!!!






   I hope this has helped you find some peace and relaxation in your life!!!  Remember, this is a free service provided by me.  Enjoy my advice while you can.  I may be hired soon to be a consultant for Dr. Phil or Oprah.  Let the Bidding war begin!!!

Long Island Iced Tea


AMEN TO THAT!!!

The Ostrich Pillow

Want to look like an alien, or the Elephant Man, or just a big Douche?  Than you can buy the Ostrich Pillow.  Yes, these ugly and weird looking things are going on the market.  Supposedly, you can fall asleep anywhere with this thing since it encases your head.  Put your head down on a hard table and it will feel pillowy soft.  Lying on a floor?  No problem!  You have an opening to breath and even eat.  And the holes on the side are for your hands.  Put them in there to keep warm or pick your ears!   We predict a wave of coffee-house-napping bans once these things are released into the wild. And yes, those holes on the side are for your hands. No idea how much it will cost, but who can really put a price on one human's dignity

The History of the World - In 2 Minutes

While Scanning the internet for interesting items to bring to you, our beloved readers, I came acrros this video put together by Zack Hemsey.  Zack cut together a history of the world for a video production class in his high school, that now has almost 4.5 million views!  I would say this one has gone viral.  Way to go Zack and I hope you got an "A" on your Project!

Free Advice Fridays - Quick Breakfast: Batter Blaster

This product is perhaps one of the most brilliant inventions ever, especially for the single guy.  I wish I had this while I was in College.  I would have eaten breakfast just about everyday!!!  This little product makes fresh, hot pancakes at home, in minutes, without the prep and mess.


I know that they have ready-made batter in a jug or carton that you can buy and just pour onto the skillet, but where's the fun in that? With the Batter Blaster, you can instantly shoot certified organic pancake batter right into your pan, in just about any shape you want. Make pancake sports team logos. Or cartoon characters. Write your name. Or write your girl's name.  Not only is it delicious, but you can show your creative side too!

Made with ingredients like organic wheat flour, organic cane sugar, and organic whole egg solids, it's got zero trans fats and zero saturated fats. Plus, it's lactose-free, with low amounts of sodium. So not only are you able to whip up a fast breakfast of fluffy, light pancakes in just minutes, you're getting a healthy breakfast... and skipping the fast food window on the way to work. And you can throw blueberries, bananas, walnuts, strawberries... anything you want... into the batter to create gourmet pancakes on the fly.


Each can of Batter Blaster will serve up 28 four-inch pancakes, or 8 waffles, for you waffle lovers.

All info taken from the Batter Blaster Website: 
http://www.batterblaster.com/

CNN Turning into MTV?


First it was MTV who abandoned Music for stupid Reality TV shows. Now it appears that CNN may be cutting out some of their air time devoted to news in favor of airing Reality TV shows. I guess people just aren't watching the news anymore. In an effort to boost rating, CNN is reportedly considering adding reality and talk shows to their line-up. According to Deadline, the official statement is that they're exploring "non-fiction original series for the weekend," but obviously it's just a matter of time before they reboot The Hills or something.

Oh well, I guess the liberals lost a little bit of air time!  

Gabriel Medina Does a Surfing Backflip

Brazilian professional surfer Gabriel Medina pulled off a surfing backflip. Very nicely done.  To my knowledge, the surfing backflip is a fairly rare move.  I spent my 20's around surfing beaches in Mexico, Costa Rica and the US and I never saw one.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Surf 'n Roll Video From Mexico







Surfing, Bikinis, Babes and Mexico! That's all I need in Life.

Just Check out the video below!     

Perhaps The Hottest Girl Ever in a Bikini Around Cars

This is kind of a bizarre video clip.  It is of a bikini clad hottie in a car dealership.  I am not sure where it is from (The writing at the end of the video looks Russian) or what the point of it is, but the girl in the video is smokin' Hot!!!  

Ariadne Artiles is a Spanish Hottie

Spanish model Ariadne Artiles was in GQ Spain awhile back. All I can say is WOW!!!
More pics and a behind the scenes video below






Great Use of Electrical Tape


Sara Jean Underwood Likes Baseball

Blog favorite Sara Jean Underwood recently tweeted this pic of her in catcher's gear. I have never seen a sexier catcher in my life. I guess we can safely assume that Sara is ready for Baseball season to come back around. I did a little internet searching and found that she has numerous pics with baseball regalia. She is looking good in all of them.




Hot Dog Toaster

Another Item I want for Christmas.

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