The Wonderful World of a Mad Man -- Page by Page

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Shopological Warfare

Shopological warfare...

So, picture the scene, I walk into my house and someone has repositioned the bath in the living room, moved the sink and cooker into the bedroom, and swapped the beds around so that they are now located in the garden, and the lawnmower is in my wardrobe.
I don't see anything strange in any of this, so after bathing in front of the tv for a few minutes, I go upstairs, mow the bedroom carpet, cook my dinner, which I sit in the bath to eat, before going to the toilet (oddly, now located in the pantry) and tucking myself up in my rather damp bed (it's now raining in the garden) for a cozy nights sleep.
I wake up in the morning and......

Wait, what was that?
Sleeping in the garden?

No, that can't be right, I would have noticed surely?
I wouldn't just blindly perform whatever functions a room's appearance indicated, even if I remembered it being a totally different room just the day before?

Or would I?

Well, that appears to be the sort of warped logic behind the thinking of supermarket marketing strategists, (I'm guessing, but this is the sort of wanky title they tend to bestow upon themselves) those evil bastards who use sensory and psychological tricks to attempt to sell us stuff we neither want nor need.

You know, the ones who thought up the idea of making all the ventilation blow the smell from the bakery towards the entrance, to make the Temple to Consumerism smell inviting.

The ones who put racks of sweets next to the till because they know that by then you'll be so worn down by your kids constant bickering and demanding you buy them stuff, you'll get them a confectionary fix just to shut them up. (Although obviously you'll regret this when the sugar rush kicks in on the way home in the car)

These are the  ones who don't seem to realise that when you've already spent an hour battling impending trolley-rage, dithering pensioners and hoards of grockles, the last thing you need is to wander into a formally familiar aisle thinking "Hmm, quite fancy some crisps. Those sausage and mustard ones were really nice. No, actually, I think I might try.......

Because those evil geniuses have decided in their infinite wisdom, that if you happen upon a two litre bottle of industrial strength disinfectant where your favoured brand of delicious, crunchy, savoury potato based snack usually resides, you'll immediately lose your appetite and  suddenly remember some urgent toilet sterilising you'd been meaning to get around to.
Or maybe you're on the home straight, making for the checkout, when you realise you forgot the soy sauce. Well, that's ok, it's just round this...... BIN LINERS?!! Ohforfucksake!!

And do you sit in front of the tv that evening, knocking back the Parazone ("Kills 99.999999% of anything you can't see and are frightened of catching, DEAD!") after cooking your stir fry in a bin bag?

Do you bollocks.


All they achieve is to make you even more stressed out because you've got to traipse all the way back up the detergent aisle,.... oops sorry, my mistake, make that the paté and shoe polish (?) aisle, to get your recalcitrant condiment from (where else? ) the erstwhile toiletries section.

So if any of you meddling, ex-psychology majoring middle management wannabes are reading this, will you Please Leave Everything Alone, We Know Where It Is.

That is all, thank you for your attention.



  1. Hey there Tony. Glad you liked it. I wasn't sure what the protocol was for posting stuff but I wanted to try out the Blogger desktop post editor, to see if I could get it to work on my phone (on which I do everything) because the Blogger mobile app is rubbish (I'm on WordPress)
    Seems to work Ok.

  2. Dale, another great guest posts, buddy!

    I especially love the opening. VERY clever! At first, I thought you were going to say it was dream!

    Well done!

  3. Awesome post, and so true about the grocery store shuffle. Drives me crazy when I'm in a hurry. I really don't understand the strategy behind all of this, I mean, does it really boost sales by that much?

  4. Those are the common gimmicks that retailers use to drum up sales, can't be helped.
    The responsibility is on us to be aware of such tricks and to get those things that you really need and not just buying on impulse !

  5. Dale, great post (and Hi to the Ramblers here)! Your first paragraph had me laughing out loud before I even finishing it. LOL! Yes, it really is that absurd and it is warped logic. Same thing goes on here in the US in our supermarkets too. Drives me batty! Evil geniuses everywhere need to just leave stuff alone, yes, we know where it is. :)

    1. Hi JerseyLil. Glad you found us via Dale. Hope you stop by every now and then.

  6. Great Post Dale. You are a welcome addition to the team. Glad to have you. You are gonna have to tell me how you got that little blurb and picture at the end of your blog post. I can't see to figure it out

  7. -Matt - Ah, thought you did that. Hahaha

    1. Wasn't me. I asked Lanthie the same and she thought it was me too. I have to do some research

  8. I think it's done by my Google+ account.


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