Saturday, June 1, 2013

Polish Girl Upset That No One Is Listening to Her

I would definitely listen to this beauty!  I may not understand her, but I would listen and stare into those beautiful eyes!

Random Things I Heard Around Des Moines This Week

As I walk around the great city of Des Moines, Iowa and its suburbs, I often overhear random conversations betweens friends, lovers, enemies, family members, etc.  Sometimes they are face to face, sometimes they are over a cell phone.  These are some of the funniest, weirdest and most random things I have heard over the past week.

1. I heard a lady talking to her friend at the next table to me while drinking coffee at Panera Bread in Jordan Creek Mall.  She told her friend that she owned over 200 pairs of underwear and probably close to half of them still have the tags on them.  They take up two drawers of her dresser.  She called herself an "Underwear Hoarder."  she asked her friend what to do with all the undies.  She told her to make a quilt out of them.  The "Hoarder" actually liked the idea and said she is gonna do it.   interest.

2. A girl walking around downtown was screaming on the phone talking about how the guy she picked up last night tricked her and wasn't wearing a condom.  She thinks she is pregnant (UH...It had probably been less than 24 hours!!! I doubt you would know that soon.)  Her friend said something and then she screamed "NO WAY!  No Abortion for me.  The guy was actually good looking and he was a businessman so the kid will be pretty good looking and smart too.  This might work out."  I feel sorry for that kid if she does get pregnant!

3.  I heard an 80-something grandma turn to what is probably her grandson and say "David, if you are banging Pete's niece, so help me God I will put in the ground!"  Not sure what was funnier, her threat or an 80-something using the word "Banging"

4.  At a bar on Court Avenue, the guy at the next table said "That Chick's Ass is so Hot, I would eat off of it."  To which another guy replied "Hell, I would eat her ass straight up."  They directed it towards a girl who was with a group standing right next to our table.  The girl heard it and looked pissed.  A few minutes later, the girl went to the bathroom.  On the way back, she threw a wad of toilet paper on their table.  The guys picked it up and it had what appeared to be shit on it as if she had wiped her ass.  She smiled and said "You were the one that wanted to eat my ass so I served it up for you on the toilet paper!"  They guy who had grabbed the toilet paper started gagging and ran to the bathroom.  The other guy told the girl to "Fuck Off!" and they were gone.  A few minutes later, I asked the girl, who was still standing next to us, if that really was shit.  She smiled and said "No, I had a snickers bar in my purse all day and with the heat, it was starting to melt.  I just took some toilet paper and rubbed it on the candy bar."  My kind of woman.  I Fell in Love that Night!  Unfortunately, I did not get her number  :(  

5.  Heard a guy talk about how he slept with two girls during the week.  His friend said "So your STD is gone?"  The guy said "Hell No!"  What an asshole!!!

6.  At the grocery store, I overheard a 7 year old kid ask his dad what a condom was.  The dad said "It is just a receptacle." The kid asked what a receptacle is.  The dad told him it is something that holds water, milk, etc. The kid said "Like a cup?"  The dad said "Yeah" Just then his mom rounded the corner and came down the aisle.  The kid asked her "Mom, we better get some condoms.  I need them to drink out of."  
The mother almost fainted.  Didn't hear the rest of the conversation since they were walking away from me.

STAY CLASSY DES MOINES AND HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

I am Eating Healthy!

This girl I know wants me to start eating healthier.  I had her over for dinner last night and I know she likes salads and does not eat a lot of meat.  So I made her a salad.  What do you think?

She wasn't too pleased but I loved it!

Take My Parking Spot - Think Twice!

LOL!  If only there were more stuck-up Hotties driving convertibles.  I have thought about doing this, but never had the opportunity!  Way to go Dude!


Cherries and Bananas - Spicing It Up In The Bedroom

My buddy James has been sleeping with the same woman for seven years (neither one believes in the institution of marriage even though I tell them that they basically are married so why not go ahead and get hitched) and wants to know how he can keep things exciting in the bedroom.

James, that is a problem that most couples run into after awhile. TV Shows have been based on it and thousands of books have been written about it. I have written a post on this last year (click here to view that). I will do my best to add my expert advice to the plethora of information that is out there about “Spicing up the Bedroom”. 

If you want to keep the sex between you two exciting, then here are some of my suggestions: “experimentation,” “heavy drinking,” “sex on a roller coaster and/or abandoned yacht” and, finally, “fucking other people.”

Since you two aren’t married, I guess the last one would be ok for you two since you wouldn’t be breaking any wedding vows. But you both have to agree with it. If one of you vetoes that one, I would go the experimentation route. Add some food to the bedroom mix, buy a sex swing, dress up and role play, try a little BDSM if you can stomach it. You might find something that you both like and open up a whole new world of sex. 

Lanthie…Any advice for my friend James?

Hmmm - I think it depends on how serious they are in their relationship.  Experience has also taught me that marriage (or relationships) come in many shapes and sizes.  What is right for one relationship is not necessarily right for another.  Relationships also morph into different things over time.  What was once acceptable or out of bounds may change over time and I think it is important to re-visit boundaries and expectations on a regular basis.

There are many things that they could do to spice things up a bit and here are some suggestions:

Sexting - This can be a great prelude to sex.  Imaging sending each other sexy texts all day and how ready you will be to rip each others clothes off by the time you get home.

Playing dress up - and I don't mean just her.  Imagine him surprising her in a fireman's or pirates outfit.  Or her in a nurses uniform .......

Sexy lingerie - And I don't mean just in the bedroom.  Tell her to go out and buy some suspenders and stockings and wear them to work.  She will feel like a million dollars all day and feel extremely sexy.  Even if she is the only person who knows.  She will come home very much in the mood to concur him.  She could take some pics with her phone of her sitting at her desk with her skirt slightly lifted so that just the tops of her stockings are revealed and send them to him.  It will drive him mad all day.  He will not be able to think of anything else.

Bondage - I don't mean the BDSM stuff here.  Ever read 50 Shades of Gray or The Story of O.  I mean tying each other up (lightly) or blindfolding each other.  Imagine being blindfolded and just laying there while your partner decides what to do and you don't know what to expect.  The anticipation alone is very arousing.  

Toys - There are so many sexual aids on the market now for him and her.  Buy a few and try them out.

Food - Introduce some food into the act.  Imagine dripping some chocolate sauce all over her nipples and then licking it off.  Or dripping some chocolate sauce all over his dick and she licks it off.   Or using an ice-cube.

Doing it in public - Sneak into that change-room in a shopping mall for a quickie.  

There are so many things to try.  So start with the top item and work your way down.  You never know.....



Come on over to the dark side occasionally and read my blog at http://www.lifecherries.com

Madman's Law of the Burrito!

So, what makes a good burrito and what makes a crappy one?  As a Mexican and Tex-Mex Food lover, and being married to one of the best (and Hottest) Mexican Food Makers in the world, I consider myself kind of an expert when it comes to Burritos.

Burritos have to be big and messy.  Rice, beans, grilled onions and peppers and lots of meat.  When you bite into it, half of the burrito should just fall out onto the plate.

Another qualification is they have to have Jarritos or Topo Chico, the Mexican soda, preferably Lemon Lime or Sangria if they got it. And if they are an authentic Mexican food place, they need to have tongue and barbacoa (The face of a cow) on the menu.  Now I have eaten both and the tongue is not my favorite, but Barbacoa is ok.  It is also good if they have Trompo, which is either pork or lamb meat slow roasted.  Now these are the best.  

If a burrito place adds crap like hot dogs and potatoes (ala Taco Johns), it isn't authentic and get the heck out of there ASAP. Don't try to cater to us Gringos and our horrible taste. Just because we eat potatoes on everything doesn't mean you have to spoil a great burrito because of our stupid tastes.  When it comes to Mexican food, We're idiots! 

And did I mention the grease?  A good burrito has grease.  Grease dripping out of it after the first bite.  The grease should have stained the paper wrapping of the burrito.  Grease is important.  Burritos aren't meant to be healthy, just tasty!

There you have it!  The perfect Burrito.  If your favorite Burrito place doesn't abide by these laws (Madman's Laws of the Burrtio!) then get out of there and find your self a legit place.  

Hulk Hogan Back Tattoo on Stupid Big Guy



This guy is just plain weird!  No, let me rephrase that - Weird and Stupid!  Why a tat of Hulk Hogan and why that Big?  The guy either has a Bromance with the Hulkster Going or he is STUPID!!!  Or Both.

And why did he get it on his back?   This doesn't look like the type of guy who is going to be walking around with his shirt off all the time (At least I Pray that he keeps his shirt on).  Doesn't the guy know that you only get back Tattoos if you have a good body so you can show it off?   I would hate to see that tattoo in 20 years!!!

Friday, May 31, 2013

Our Favorite Bikinis - Blonde in Pink


I think she needs to go up one more cup size!

Vanilla DeVille - Love her Tweets!




Here's some sexy self shots of sexy Milf Vanilla Deville...Her Twitter account ( @VanillaDeville) is full of pics like these.  And as an added bonus, she has one of the coolest names out there.  Vanilla DeVille...Say it a few times.  It just rolls of your tongue.

Tweet her and tell her the madmen sent ya







Semen is Nutritious!

Just showed this to my Girlfriend.  She was not impressed!!!  Told me she was going to catch it in her hand the next time we do it and force it down my throat.  OUCH!


Hottie of the Day - Gemma Atkinson

Gemma Louise Atkinson is an English actress, television personality and glamour and lingerie model. Did we mention that she was Hot?




 And Don't forget to check out our Other Hotties of the Day!



Hard to believe that she is Rowan Atkinson's Daughter:




50 Common Misquotations

50 Common Misquotations (via BroBible)

Get it Right People!

Things Not To Do In A Wetsuit


FART!!!!!

Free Advice Friday - Types of Bosses You Will Have After College

A buddy sent me this (thanks Jake - From Texas not Mr. Todd Jacobson from Iowa.  I doubt he could come up with something like this)

1. The "Why Isn't This Working?" Boss

At first, you may mistake this guy for an unusually thick intern. But once he parks himself behind his executive credenza and starts bawling about his email client, your ego will be piledrived by the horrible truth: this flailing man-child is your boss.

Odds are you'll never get to your real job, since you'll spend every moment helping this special-needs supervisor send "eMemos" through his "BlogBerry." Why has someone who can't understand how a mouse works been given control over other human beings? Maybe it's fate, or maybe it's because your entire life is the subject of Japan's #1 Hidden Camera Prank Show: "Happy Go Go Dream-Crushing: American Youth Has Maximum Aneurysm With Peanut Sauce."

You May Already Know Him: In college, he was the guy outside your window at 4AM screaming "Why isn't the food court open?" and sobbing while he tugged on the door handle.

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2. The "I Swear This Is All On The Up-And-Up" Boss
Wow man, you hit the jackpot on this one. This boss is young, cool, and a high-powered financial manager who speaks in words that sound like they're worth a million dollars each. Better yet, he said he'd take you under his wing! You're a made man.
What exactly does he do? Something involving doubledown hedge-business trimester merger loans. Right, right, who cares? The money's rolling in, and he trusts you so much that he lets you put your signature on everything right next to his. This guy is awesome.

Weird, though, he should have been in the office by now. I guess he went on vacation. Huh. Looks like he took all the office furniture with him. Come to think of it, where is everyone? Is it a holiday? Better check the news... oh cool, that's your boss's face on CNN!

Oh, hold up, some pretty angry-looking guys in suits are getting off the elevator. Some of them are pointing at you and shouting. I guess they must be friends of his?

You May Already Know Him: "Man, did you know that you get free pizza if you donate blood this year? Yeah? Well, here's the kicker: It can be anybody's blood. No, they don't advertise that, but it's true. Unrelated note: I need you to meet me tonight at nine in the alleyway behind the gym. Bring a bucket."

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3. The "Drink the Kool-Aid? I Love Kool-Aid!" Boss

Work is simple. You go into the office, roll your eyes for eight hours, then you come home and bitch about it to either A) your significant other or B) the internet. Another workday crossed off the calendar before you can finally embrace the sweet release of death.

Not so for Kool-Aid Boss. He's excited to be here. He's excited you're here. He's excited that you, him, and the mammoth, cold, uncaring corporation are all on the same team. Years of mind-sapping tedium have sucked the self-esteem right out of his brain-tubes, and he's now convinced that the company is his only friend.

Will he cheerfully deprive his employees of benefits because a higher-up told him to? Of course! Would he have you killed for the same reason? Maybe. He knows a guy.

You May Already Know Him: "Hey guys, look! A Student Activities knifeless pumpkin-decorating contest! Fuck yes! This is what college is all about, am I right?"

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4. The "I Was Born to Do This" Boss
By now, college and the internet have probably coated your brain in a rich layer of postmodern pseudo-irony that will forever protect it from taking anything seriously or ever knowing true love (sorry about that). But some people have to justify their existence in other ways, like, say, the "I Was Born to Do This" Boss.

It doesn't matter what hellhole you two are working in, your boss wouldn't want to be anywhere else. This job runs in his blood. Working in a shoe store? His ancestors brought the first Foot Locker over on the Mayflower. Selling cutlery sets door-to-door? His great-grandfather was Kleevor the Flesh Render, Emperor of Knives.

You May Already Know Him: "Move it guys, we have a deadline to meet. ClamJams is the only campus magazine currently dedicated to pictures of shellfish dressed to look like famous R&B singers, and I will have your goddamned ass on a platter if you make us look like idiots in the next issue."

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5. The "We're All Going to Die" Boss

Welcome to the team! Great to have you. Now get out your life vest and grab on to something, because all our clients are on fire and our money is imploding.

This boss gives off enough anxiety to power seventeen junior proms. Between the global recession, and the fact that there are eighty million Chinese people who could do his job a hell of a lot better, it's amazing he crawled out of the fetal position long enough to hire you.

Expect mandatory daily meetings full of desperate themes like "The Internet = Wealth Success???" and "Recession-Proof: Incorporating Pornography Into Your Business Model." Eventually one of his doomed ideas will involve firing you. Just don't be surprised when this boss slips you his resume during your goodbye handshake and mouths "take me with you."

You May Already Know Him: "The final is tomorrow? No problem. Just give me a fifth of vodka, a bag of Pete's special brownies and lock me in the supply room. If I huff these along with some of the chemicals in there, there's a small chance I'll be able to escape this terrible dimension of consequences."

Find the Toenail

Every Friday, one of the employees bring in treats for all of us.  It was Jorge's turn this week and he brought this in.  I would say about half the office did not eat it.  Oh well, More for me!!!


A Beautiful Sunset Over the University of Texas Campus

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Go Blackhawks!!!

Way to go Chicago!!!  One more series and then we are in the Stanley Cup Finals!!!

Thong Thursdays - Thongercise

For this edition of Thong Thursdays, we have a video of Girls in Thongs Exercising.  The video is called "Thongercise" and it is HOT!  Makes me want to work out with those Girls!


Don't forget to check out all of our other Thongs that have made an appearance on "Thong Thursdays!"

Thong Thursday - Yellow is a Nice Color


Don't forget to check out all of our other Thongs that have made an appearance on "Thong Thursdays!"

Hottie of the Day - Lacey Lynn Buhler

Our Hottie of the Day is Hardbody Lacey Lynn Buhler.

And Don't forget to check out our Other Hotties of the Day!








Random Thoughts from the Madman

I have been drinking.  Nothing like Drunk Blogging.  Here is what is running through my head right now!

Things that would be bad to find in a cemetery:
1. The Devil
2. Jimmy Hoffa
3. The economy
4. A kid with a shovel
5. Evil Clowns
6. A Gun
7. Yourself

Things that might not be capable of dying:
1. Twinkies (They are coming back!), Hostess Cupcakes, Ho-Ho's, Little Debbies, etc.
2. Credit card bills
3. Reality TV shows
4. Barney The Dinosaur (I have tried to get him there, but to no avail)

Things that can live and die at the same time:
1. Zombies
2. Farts produced by Burger King onion rings (only when used with the Onion Ring Dipping Sauce, non-Sauced farts aren't as bad)

Thong Thursdays - Michelle Hunziker

This is Michelle Hunziker getting out of a lake wearing a nice thong.  I have no idea who Michelle Hunziker is, but she is kind of a celebrity MILF.  Not sure about the celebrity part, but I will give her the MILF part.

A quick internet search says that she is a Swiss-Italian Television Hostess and actress.  So maybe she isn't a celebrity here yet, but she still gets a spot in our "Thong Thursdays" Posts.  Enjoy that Butt!

Don't forget to check out all of our other Thongs that have made an appearance on "Thong Thursdays!"

10 Facts That You Thought Were True

The Best Jumbotron Moments...EVER!

You have probably already seen many of these 'best Jumbotron moments.' But they're so damn fun to watch...


Tattoo Pain - NOT!

What a wimp!  Getting a tattoo DOES NOT HURT THIS BAD!

My God woman, I would hate to see you giving birth to a child!!!!!

Cherries and Bananas - Who Should Pay?

Email from our reader Samantha: I know this question has been around since the invention of money, but I need some real expert advice: When a guy asks a woman out, who’s expected to pay? I went out with a guy last week (he asked me) and when the bill for dinner showed up, he asked me to pay for my half. When I told him I didn’t have it, he gave me a real nasty look, then got miffed later when I wouldn’t invite him in for a nightcap. 

This one is fairly easy in my book. I believe that whoever did the asking needs to do they paying. If a guy asks a girl out, he pays. If a girl asks the guy out, she pays. Easy as that! 

And as for the “expectation of getting invited in for a ‘nightcap’” -- What kind of asshole expects that? Just because he paid he thinks he should get some. What a loser. Please tell us that you will never see him again.  


Technically, I have to agree with Matt on this one - whoever did the asking needs to do they paying.  

But....

I am still a firm believer in chivalry.  In my books, a man should always do the paying, or at least make the offer to pay.  I accept that some women like to pay their own way today - especially when certain "favors" may  be asked for in return, but it is no excuse for a man to be any less gentlemanly .  

In reality, no man should ever expect to be "invited in for a nightcap" and if the invitation is extended, it should not be interpreted that he is invited in for "desert" either if you know what I mean!



Come on over to the dark side occasionally and read my blog at http://www.lifecherries.com

WARNING- Fractured Tibia Video - GRUESOME STUFF

This video was taken from a Bolivian League Soccer game over the weekend.  The player is Francisco Argüello and the video is gruesome.  Fast Forward it to about the 1:20 mark to see the best angle. This brings back memories of Lawrence Taylor and Joe Thiesmann!

Just Doin' What the Sign Says


Eric Holder Will Get To The Bottom Of It!


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

OK - What about your T-Rex?

I Like This Shirt!!!

Another Great Bikini Contest!

Perfect Bikini Body Contest #6 - Venice Beach, California. Pick Your Winner!

Bianca Beauchamp in Turquoise

Bianca Beauchamp has been on this blog before.  The fitness model/hardbody has a series of workout videos, some of which we posted here on this esteemed blog.  Click here to watch this sexy rehead workout.  

Here she is again, this time taking off some sleepwear.  These are the only pics from the set that were SFW.  Click her to see the whole set, but be warned:  They are NSFW and they are extremely Hot!!!  









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