I HATE TODAY!!! I HATE SHOPPING!!!...Unless it is a bookstore, Best Buy or a Sporting Goods store. Malls suck!!! Can't stand them. Today is the day that many men dread. BLACK FRIDAY!! The day when we have to go with our spouses to the malls and battle thousands of people to get a little bit of shopping done. And don't forget the whole driving around the parking lot for 45 minutes looking for a spot to park.
Well Guys, here is some advice to get you through the day!!
1. Drop your wife/girlfriend/kids off at the door and tell her you will drive around to find a good spot. Then proceed to a restaurant or bar and have a drink and watch some football. Finally go to the mall and find her about 2 or 3 hours later. You have the perfect excuse -- It took almost an hour to find a parking spot and then another hour or so to find your wife amongst all the people. She will never know (Unless you have beer on your breath. Make sure to take gum).
2. Make sure the mall you are going to has a restaurant that has a bar with TV's in it. We go to Jordan Creek in Des Moines and I just sneak away to Champ's and get an appetizer and watch football or basketball for a few hours.
3. Make sure your cell phone has little or no battery when you get there. That way, you won't have to always run across the mall to some women's fashion store to look at a pair of boots or a dress that your wife is thinking about buying and wants your opinion on.
4. Remember when you were in elementary school and you wanted to fool your mother into thinking you were sick so you put on your best fake cough/sniffling act and heated up the thermometer. Now is the time to relive those memories. You have to start complaining on Thanksgiving Day. So you feel blah and you are coming down with something. Then start the coughs in the evenings. Sit around the house with 5 layers of clothing and say you feel cold. Shake and shiver. By Friday morning, your wife will think you are getting Swine Flu and will tell you to stay home and rest. It is very important that you keep saying that you want to go and act like you feel bad for not going. Tell her how much you were looking forward to it. This way, you will get a lot of sympathy and she will buy you a special Black Friday present to make you feel better.
5. Go out in the middle of the night and puncture 2 or 3 of your car tires. Problem solved. You won't be able to go anywhere. (Only an option if you have $$$ to buy new tires and your insurance covers towing).
6. Work Emergency -- You can't go because you got called into work to handle some sort of emergency. Best for doctors, EMT's, and Meteorologists.
7. Remember, bathrooms are a great place to get away from the craziness of Black Friday. Get a stall, bet out your blackberry and surf the net, check facebook or check out Chad Ocho Cinco and his 50 tweets per day.
8. If your wife/GF is a big spender, you may WANT to tag along with her to make sure she doesn't go crazy and spend about $1500. It is a fact that women usually spend about 6x as much $$ on Black Friday than on other shopping days, so be careful!!