Tuesday, October 9, 2012

In Honor Of The Red River Shootout...



Here is something I found on my computer.  I wrote this a couple of years ago and thought it was appropriate for this week since it is "RED RIVER RIVALRY WEEK!!"  HOOK EM HORNS!

Who are the okies? That is a question pondered by many an inebriated sociologist over the years. For many uninformed people, the term “okie” is synonymous with the ficticious Joad family in the great American novel “The Grapes of Wrath” (John Steinbeck et al), which chronicled the mass exodus of families from Oklahoma during the dust bowl. However, those families were intelligent, and thus they were not true okies, as evidenced by their decision to leave the state. The true okies are the ones who chose to stay, much like the character in the novel that was kicked in the head by a mule and rendered totally stupid. Furthermore, the accuracy of the dust bowl as the primary reason for the migration is now being questioned, as it has since been noted that time of the mass exodus coincided with the births of both Barry Switzer and Jerry Jones in nearby Arkansas. Many people confuse okies with idiots, morons, aggies and retarded rednecks. But although closely related to retarded rednecks, they are truly a separate human entity, as historical research will show.

The history of the okie begins with the very origin of man. Paleontologists have uncovered evidence that aside from the evolution of Homo Habilis to Homo Sapien, there existed a separate branch of primitive man, who single-handedly halted the course of evolution for his own species. That man was Homo Stupidus, known to scientists as “the Norman man”. Typical physical traits of Homo Stupidus were a severely protruding forehead, a less than complete set of teeth, and the lack of coherent spoken language. This crude language consisted mostly of grunts, followed by an emphatic long “ooooo” sound. These primitive sounds are evidenced today in the use of the shout “BOOOMER SOOONER”, and can be found in other mouth breathing tribal war cries such as “WHOOOOP” and “SOOOOOEY”.

While other more developed men migrated North into Europe, the primitive okies remained behind, mostly due to unsuccessful efforts to apply wheels to their dwellings. A few okies found their way to Rome during the great wars. The most famous, Moronicus, from the region of Cretin, was stripped of his commission after it was discovered that he failed to lead his troops into battle against Spartacus because “his chariot was disabled and up on blocks outside the Colosseum”. Another, Mulleticus from Camaro achieved fame by patenting the process of fermenting moldy corn and urine into what is now known as Busch Beer. Significant migration of the okie people did not take place until late in the 12th century, when they were taken aboard Viking ships, as sideshow freaks to entertain the crews on their way to the new world.

Historical accounts of okie people during US colonization and expansion are few, likely due to the illiteracy of the okies themselves. There is historical evidence of their interaction with other citizens; however, as the American phrases “dumbass, retard, and mullethead” were all developed during that period. The okie did not surface again prominently until the great sooner land rush of the late 1800s. Just as the dust bowl migration is now being refuted, historical accounts of the land rush are considered to be inaccurate. Many historians now believe that in fact, the participants were not racing to obtain land for themselves, but rather, they had arrived in Norman for a huge bingo game, and upon seeing the city fled quickly and in great numbers to other parts of the state.

As with aggies, idiots, morons and retarded rednecks, okies are abundant in society today. Seldom can you drive through a town without seeing evidence of an okie – a truck up on blocks outside a rusting mobile home, also up on blocks, numerous dirty mulletized children and packs of dogs roaming the dusty yard under the supervision of a horizontally challenged mother sitting on a couch on the porch… this is the cultural richness of an okie.

Social interaction with okie beings can be difficult. Arguing tends to dominate conversations, and the tactics prevalent among okies can be difficult to overcome. Here are some examples:

FAULTY CAUSE AND EFFECT:

Example: On the basis of my observations, wearing huge pants makes you fat.

IGNORING EVERYTHING SCIENCE KNOWS ABOUT THE BRAIN:

Example: People choose to be fat because they prefer the lifestyle.

GENERALISING FROM SELF:

Example: I'm a liar. Therefore I don't believe what you're saying.

TOTAL LOGICAL DISCONNECTION:

Example: I enjoy beer because my house has wheels on it.

ARGUMENT BY BIZARRE DEFINITION:

Example: He's not a criminal. He just does things that are against the law.

IGNORANCE OF STATISTICS:

Example: I'm putting ALL of my money on this bingo card because the jackpot is so big.

FOLLOWING THE ADVICE OF KNOWN IDIOTS:

Example: Uncle Horace says eating lard makes you smarter. that's good enough for me.

BLAMING THE TOOL:

Example: I bought an encyclopedia but I'm still stupid.

TAKING THINGS TO THEIR ILLOGICAL CONCLUSION:

Example: If you let your barber cut your hair, they next thing you know

he'll be lopping your limbs off.

PROOF BY LACK OF EVIDENCE:

Example: I've never seen you drunk, so you must be gay.

Try to avoid all social interaction with okies. Reasoning with them is futile. It will not get you anywhere, and could possibly be harmful to your health.

Beware, be safe, be orange.

Hook’em.

1 comment:

  1. Just like in Indonesia...KERETA KENCANA...seem like on this screenshoot

    ReplyDelete

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