Saturday, March 3, 2012

Red High Heels

A lady friend of mine recently asked me: "What is the big deal with Red High Heels?"
My answer was emailed to her.  Here it is:

Nut Shot with a Champagne Cork

Probably not funny for the guy, but for the rest of us...Hilarious!  I am still laughing!

Friday, March 2, 2012

She's Either a Cheater or a Fugitive

You decide:

Interesting Facts about Texas

Since it is Texas Independence Day, Here are some Texas Facts for you to Ponder:

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas .
1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World’s first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America .
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America ’s only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. JalapeƱo jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island .
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was ” Houston .”
12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island .
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43″ in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia and Austin .
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The name ” Texas ” comes from the Hasini Indian word “tejas” meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas .
21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.).
22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .

Some Advice for Older Men (No, I am not in this category yet!!)

I know I am on my way to old age, but I think I am still young enough to give a little advice to the older men out there.  I am sure I will look back on this when I am old and think either: 
                 A.  What a dumbass I was!  or
                 B.  What a Renaissance Man I was, so knowledgeable and in touch with the world!
Personally, I think it will be B.

1. Unless you were shooting Kennedy, nobody cares where you were when Kennedy was shot.  I know it was an important historical event, but it is not information that you should just "volunteer."  If someone asks you, then tell them, but don't just offer up the info.  I have had probably 15+ people just tell me where they were when Kennedy was shot and I did not even mention Kennedy. 

2. The left lane on the freeway is a young man's game.  Stay out of it unless you can drive with the Big Dogs!!

3. Things will always get more expensive.  Complaining about the cost of gasoline isn't going to make it any cheaper.  I love how you always hear the "when I was young, coffee was a nickel a cup and gas cost a dime a gallon."  Great, but no use dwelling on the past. 

4. War stories: keep them coming.  This is one thing that most young guys will never get tired of hearing. 

5. If you have a prosthetic hook-arm, it's your duty to use it to scare children.   Corollary to #4, your prosthetic hook-arm makes a war story way better.  If you didn't lose your arm in a war, make up a good war story to explain it.  Nobody will know the difference and it's cool!!

6. The world doesn't owe you anything.  If it did, then we would be in even more debt than we are now. 

7. Respect your youngers.  We're the ones who will pay your Social Security and take care of you when you need help eating and changing your adult diaper.

8. Advice you offer to young men should fall into one of these three categories:
   A. The finer points of tolerable behavior when it comes to women
   B. Recommendations on quality whiskeys and cigars
   C. Sticking it to the man

9. If you're past the point where people depend on you, then eat, smoke, drink, and gamble.  We young men must control our vices, but you've earned the right to indulge with reckless abandon.  Show us what we have to look forward to in our old age (If you ever go to the boat in Osceola, you know what I am talking about.)

10. You keep getting older, but they stay the same age.  From a young man's perspective, a 65 year old man with a 23 year old woman isn't a shame, it's a victory.

This is a Classy Girl

Seriously, What was she thinking?  That is forever!  What kind of guy wants his wife to be walking around with a Tramp Stamp that says "Semen Demon"?   How is she going to explain that to the kids?

On another note, that may just be the ultimate Tramp Stamp.  Can you get any trampier than that?  I think Not!

Happy Independence Day!

I lived almost half of my life in Texas.  March 2 is the Day that Texas declared its Independence from Mexico.  I used to love March 2.  There would be parties, live music all over Austin, etc.  I miss it!!!

Anyway, I am rehashing one of my old posts from my previous blog about Texas Independence Day.

In honor of Texas Independence Day, I thought that it might be a good idea to give everyone a brief history lesson on Texas, and clear up a few misconceptions in the process.

One of the most important battles in the Texas Revolution took place at the Alamo (which became the first venue to sell its naming-rights to a corporate sponsor when such Texas products such as "Alamo Beer" and "The Alamo Cafe" came into existence.  Now, it also loans its name to the Alamodome and the Alamo Bowl -- Places familiar with University of Iowa Football fans). In 1836, one of the bloodiest battles of the Revolution was staged at this mission, during which about 600 Mexican soldiers (yes, they had to swim and wade across the Rio Grande also) were killed and a much smaller number of Texans (200 or so) also lost their life. Despite the large number of Mexicans killed, they still won the battle.   Since the Mexican army mercilessly killed every last person in the Alamo, including Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, Dennis Quaid, Billy Bob Thorton, and John Wayne were among those who fought at the Alamo.

After the battle, (Mexican leader) Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna was captured while sleeping off a few shots of Tequila. Sam Houston, drunk on Lone Star Beer, confused Santa Anna with Santa Claus and decided to let him live. The two of them then proceeded to drink beer and tequila together and divide up most of North America (this part's actually true).

For a few short years, Texas enjoyed its independence from Mexico being known as the Republic of Texas, until 1846 (or 1845, depending on who you believe) when Texas annexed America to form The United States of Texas.

Now go out and Celebrate Texas Independence Day.  Have a Shiner Bock and eat some good Tex-Mex food.  Don't forget to listen to some Pat Green, Willie Nelson and Jerry Jeff Walker while driving to the party in your pick-up truck.  Have fun!!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

This Guy Don't Know Jack

Ricardo Sergio Freire de Barros was arrested in Brazil for trying to open a bank account with the ID that is shown below. Apparently Ricardo does not know Jack Nicholson!  

Happy Birthday to...

I want to wish a Happy Birthday to:

Harry Caray would have been 97 today!  I was lucky enough to see him sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" 15 or so times at Wrigley Field.  I will never forget it.

Ke$ha turns 24 -  Not a big fan of hers, but she was the only girl that was kind of Hot who had a birthday today.

Roger Daltrey, Lead Singer of one of the greatest Rock bands Ever, THE WHO.  He turns 67!!!  WOW!!!  Seriously?  He did a live show here in Des Moines a year ago.  He was better than ever.  I hope I can rock like that when I get 67.

Justin Bieber turns 17 today.  I only put this in here for the teeny-bopper crowd and all the Cougars who want to bag the Bieb's just to say they got him.  Hasn't Bieber's 15 minutes of fame burned out by now?  Please Justin, disappear.  You are almost as annoying as Paris Hilton used to be.

Vag Mints

A couple of Friends of mine have just returned from France and all they brought me were these "Vag Mints!"

I am a guy, so I don't have a Vagina that needs freshening. I guess I will walk around the campus tomorrow and hand them out to chicks that look a little skanky!

If you haven't figured out yet, these are a real product, but they are just breath mints.  Kind of like a life saver or something.  I am still going to hand them out tomorrow.  I wonder how many people will think they are really used to freshen up your vagina before gettin' down and dirty.  I also wonder how many times I will get slapped tomorrow.

I Love Workout Videos!

No Commentary Needed!

Welcome to March

March is:
  • Irish American Month
  • Music in Our Schools Month
  • National Craft Month
  • National Frozen Food Month
  • National Irish American Heritage Month- designated by Congress in 1995.
  • National Nutrition Month
  • National Peanut Month
  • National Women's History Month
  • Poetry Month
  • Red Cross Month
  • Social Workers Month
Did you Know? March was named for the Roman God "Mars"
Week Celebrations:
  • 2nd Week National Bubble Week
  • 2nd Week Crochet Week
Each Day:
1 National Pig Day - Very appropriate for Iowa! 
1 Peanut Butter Lovers' Day - I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER
2 Old Stuff Day
3 I Want You to be Happy Day
If Pets Had Thumbs Day
3 National Anthem Day
3 Peach Blossom Day
4 Employee Appreciation Day
4 Holy Experiment Day
4 Hug a GI Day
4 National Salesperson Day - first Friday in the month
5 Multiple Personality Day - What if one of your personalities is "out to lunch" that day?  do they just miss it or get another day to celebrate? 
6 Dentist's Day
6 National Frozen Food Day
7 National Crown Roast of Pork Day
8 Be Nasty Day - I may stay inside this day.  Are we talking about the weather or people?
8 International (Working) Women's Day
9 Panic Day
10 Middle Name Pride Day
11 Johnny Appleseed Day
11 Worship of Tools Day - Truly a guy holiday!
12 Girl Scouts Day
12 Plant a Flower Day
13 Ear Muff Day
13 Jewel Day
14 Learn about Butterflies Day
14 National Potato Chip Day
14 National Pi Day- Those Science Geeks - I think they picked this day because today is 3.14, the value of Pi.
15 Everything You Think is Wrong Day - This is a normal day for Todd Jacobson
15 Ides of March -- Beware the Ides of March!
15 Incredible Kid Day - Special day for my two kids!  Have a good one Becca and Austin 
15 Dumbstruck Day  - AKA: Kevin Cooper Day
16 Everything You Do is Right Day
16 Freedom of Information Day
17 Submarine Day - The hero sandwich or the boat??
17 Saint Patrick's Day - One of my favorite Holidays!  Wish I was in Boston!
18 Goddess of Fertility Day
18 Supreme Sacrifice Day
19 National Quilting Day
19 Poultry Day
20 International Earth Day
20 Extraterrestrial Abductions Day - Let's all go to Roswell, NM
20 Proposal Day
21 Fragrance Day
22 National Goof Off Day - This is my kind of day!
23 National Chip and Dip Day
23 Near Miss Day
24 National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day
25 Pecan Day
25 Waffle Day
26 Make Up Your Own Holiday Day - OK, How About "National EL JEFE Day"
27 National "Joe" Day
28 Something on a Stick Day
29 National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day
29 Smoke and Mirrors Day
30 National Doctor's Day
30 I am in Control Day
30 Take a Walk in the Park Day
31 Bunsen Burner Day - Another one for the Science Geeks
31 National Clam on the Half Shell Day

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leap Day -- Part II

A Reader sent me this.  Thanks Karen!!!  
Here are some fun and interesting facts about leap year that you might find amusing:
  • It was the ancient Egyptians who first figured out that the solar year and the man-made calendar year didn’t always match up;
  • Instead of 365 days, the Earth takes an extra 5 hours, 48 minutes and 46 second to go around the Sun;
  • Julius Caesar is said to be the “father of leap year” since he added February 29th as a leap day in the Julian calendar, with the once every 4 years rule. It took another 1500 years (till 1582) for the Gregorian calendar to apply the system we use now;
  • Only years divisible by 4 have leap days;
  • Leap day is the day when women are allowed to propose to men (though these days most women don’t wait if that’s what they want to do, if you know what I mean). The tradition was for the first time backed up by a Scottish law enacted in 1288. Which although unsubstantiated, it allowed women the right to corner a man with a proposal. Men who refused would have to pay a fine in the form of a kiss, a silk dress or a pair of gloves. 
Some Party Ideas:
If you are in Hyderabad, India -- Check this out!
And a little closer to home -- Reno,Nevada is having a wild night
Not sure why I put those up there, other than the fact that there are chicks on the flyers.  
Anyway, hope you have a great Leap Day

New Feature -- Guy or Girl?

I am starting a new feature on this wonderful blog.  It is simply called "Guy or Girl?"  The objective is simple.  I post a pic of a possible Hottie.  I say Possible because some of them are not Girl Hotties but they are T-Girl Hotties (T-girl definition)  Please leave your guesses in the comment section and I will let you know in a day or two.  Here is the first Hottie?!?!?!?!

Not bad looking.  If I saw her at the mall or something, I would probably give her a second look.  There just isn't something right about the crotch area though.  I have a couple of friends who think she is a girl though.  What do you think?

Asshole Soaks Kids Waiting for the Bus

Of Course I was laughing my Ass off, so I guess I may be the bigger Asshole!

But let's be honest -- How many of you have ever wanted to do this?

Dad Makes His Daughter's Boobs Bigger

You heard that right!  Weird, huh?  It seems a these girls had their dad do their plastic surgery when they were 18 years old.  He actually gave one of his daughters a Breast Enhancement among other things.  At one point in the video, he tells his daughter she looks "SEXY!"

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player
I don't know about you, but that is just plain creepy.  There is something wrong with that dude.  Actually, there is something wrong with his whole family!

On another note -- A post like this allows me to add a picture of a girl with big boobs just to illustrate my point (Whatever that may be)

Happy Leap Year!

Not sure why this day is so big, other than it happens once every 4 years.  To me, it is just another day.
Carry on People!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My Warning Sign

Yes, I have a dog.  It is a little pug, so he isn't going to offer much protection.  As a matter of fact, the dog runs around with his tongue hanging out, looking stupid.  Since I have a wimpy dog, here is the new sign I bought.  It will be up in front of the house soon.

Why this sign?  I like my privacy and I am sick of people showing up unannounced.  The other day, a friend just happened to drop by in the middle of the afternoon.  Problem was, I had just laid down to take a nap.  I was hungover and feeling like shit.  The kids were at the neighbor's house playing for a few hours so I had some peace and quiet for once.  Then my buddy shows up wanting to watch basketball and drink a few beers! UGH!!!!!!!!!

New Jersey Woman Setting High Goals!!

This story was on my old blog a year or so ago.  It came to mind today while talking to some colleagues at lunch.  One jokingly mentioned that she thought she should gain weight and I immediately thought of this post.  I told them I would post it when I got home.  Enjoy!

Old Bridge,  New Jersey's 640lb Donna Simpson's wears a size XXXXXXXL. She has set a lofty goal.  Usually when you weigh that much, you would want to lose maybe 200, 300 lbs.  Not Donna...Her goal? To hit 1000lbs.

"When you have a 3-year-old daughter and you’re trying to run a household, things like this tend to be a fantasy," Simpson told The Post yesterday. "My favorite food is sushi, but unlike others I can sit and eat 70 big pieces of sushi in one go," she told London’s Daily Mail. "I do love cakes and sweet things, doughnuts are my favorite."

Philippe Gouamba, her 150lb boyfriend, has encouraged her to eat more.

Several thoughts -- First, What kind of a boyfriend encourages his girlfriend to gain weight?  Maybe if she was a measly 80lb supermodel type, but she is already over 600 lbs.  He wants her to hit 1000 lbs?  I am speechless. 

Second...What is the matter with this Jersey woman?  Way to set goals.  I guess she and her boyfriend deserve each other. 

We Interrupt This Blog for a Test


Terrifying Tuesdays - Squirrels

I actually had a dream awhile back that squirrels were going to try and take over the world.  Instead of a "Planet of the Apes" type alternate world, it would be a world run by squirrels. 

Of course, I laughed it off as impossible.  Squirrels are such kind, gentle, peaceloving creatures. 


As you can see from this foto from a squirrel insurgency training camp, they mean business!  GOD HELP US ALL!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Terrible Puns

Not much happening today so here are some horrid puns that a buddy sent me via email.  Thanks James!!! (and remember:  Don't shoot me, I am just the messenger...)

Terrible Puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Idiot FAIL!!!

Not Sure what he was trying to accomplish...

This Sums Up My Day

The Problem With Public Bathrooms

My take on Bathrooms is plain and simple:  I love shitting in the peace of my own bathroom and I hate shitting in a public bathroom. You may think it’s the fact that the public bathroom is usually much dirtier than your home bathroom, or maybe it is because there are strangers in the crapper next to me, but to be honest I could care less who is around or how clean it is. Give those toilets the a quick wipe over with some toilet paper and you are good to go. I’m not going to lick my seat clean when I am done and it’s just my ass cheeks resting on it so honestly who cares. Ass cheeks are meant to get dirty anyway.

Right now, I am sure you are asking "Then what’s the problem SMM (semi-madman in case you forgot)? If you don’t care about the cleanliness of the toilet or the strangers around you then why do you hate shitting in public?

I have to say that is a great question! And all it takes is a simple response. Public bathrooms don’t have a library in their bathrooms.  You see, I love to read. And I love to Shit too (Don't we all feel better after a good dump?)  And the bathroom is the perfect place for both.  It is one of the few places in my house where I can have some privacy (remember that I have two kids).  They know that the bathroom is my private alone time.  So what do I do there other than poop?  NO, I don't pleasure myself!!!  Just because you do, that doesn't mean we all do.  I READ in the bathroom.

You see, I always keep a couple of books or magazines in the cabinet under the sink in my bathroom.  When I go to take a #2, I grab some reading material and relax.  I have been known to stay in the bathroom for 30 minutes.  I am not constipated, I am reading!!!   Public toilets do not have an interesting material to read, other than the dirty graffiti on the bathroom stalls in some of your lower class public shitters. If the public toilets get some good reading material in there, I will gladly drive to the mall and poop everyday.  Until that day comes, I try and hold in the poop until I get home.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Can't Wait for Summer

It's Cold!  There's Snow on the Ground!  I know many of us are dreaming about Summer.  So here is the first "I Can't Wait for Summer Video!"  Enjoy

Was This Person on Drugs?

Seriously, What kind of Drugs was the girl/guy that created this thing on?  They had to be trippin' on something!

And she had to be trippin' again to post it on facebook.  Weird stuff out there.  If I was her boyfriend, I would be fearing for my life!

Rick Santorum For President? I Don't Think So

Awkward Wheel of Fortune Moment

What was this guy thinking?  What a dumb-ass!  I want to know if he got his ass beat after this.

I am actually surprised they let this on the air.  WOW!!!  
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