Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Things You Hear in a Des Moines Best Buy

Overheard this weird conversation while in the Best Buy on University.  They were looking at DVD's in the next aisle, so they didn't see me.  Even if they did, I doubt they would have cared.  I got a look at them after the conversation.  They were 4 guys in their mid-30's decorated with tattoos and piercings.  And they appeared drunk.  It was 8 PM on a Friday night.

Dude #1: I think we should go to this one place. Dude, it is like crawling with 19 year olds.
Dude #2: Yeah! Last time I was there we went home with like 5 of them. It was wild.  We got to use whips and crap. That place is crazy. Just think about what you could do with saran wrap...
Dude #3: Dude,  so this girl is a transgendered mangirl and only likes gay guys. So she is like a girl who is a guy who only likes gay guys.  Weird, isn't it?

Dudes: Silence....

After about 10 seconds of silence, Dude #4:  So...Wait, does that mean we should go for her or what?  I am confused.  Man, don't confuse me bro.

Dude #3:  Man, she is like a hot mangirl, so I say she is fair game.  If she were ugly, forget it.
Dude #1:  Screw it.  Let's get out of here and get ready to Part-ay!!!
Dude #4:  I call firsties on the mangirl!

I hear high fives and they walk off, giggling like High Schoolers.  Problem was, they were 30-Somethings!!!  Weird 30-somethings.  I mean these conversations I would expect in San Francisco or Houston, but Des Moines, Iowa?

And why do people keep talking about this kind of stuff in such a loud voice.  Do they think everyone around them is deaf?

I'm officially selling my scooter tomorrow. If I want to be serious about this blogging shit I need to get myself on public transportation more often. I couldn't make this shit up.

I hate that I just ended a sentence in a preposition, but "I couldn't make up this shit" just doesn't have the same effect.

The Wizard of Oz -- The Ultimate Chick Flick!!!

 The Wizard of Oz is the Ultimate chick flick. Its about two women trying to kill each other over shoes! 

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page and asked them if I could borrow it.  This was about a month ago. I finally got around to posting it here on the blog, but I forgot which friend I got this from.  If it was you, please leave a comment so I can give you credit! 

IPad Being Used for the Wrong Things?

The IPad Developers are not very Happy!

Is "Hope and Change" Working Out?

A friend forwarded this too me.  It was a note left on a gas pump.  I guess these notes are now turning up on random gas pumps around the country.  I haven't seen one here in Des Moines yet, but that will change tonight when I go to the Casey's on Mills Civic Parkway!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Do Something and Stop Joseph Kony

This is so true.  The now viral video has come out showing all of the atrocities this idiot warlord Joseph Kony has been committing in Uganda and everyone is "liking" the video denouncing the man. That is nice and everything, but it isn't going to get rid of the man.  Do you think Joseph Kony really gives a shit that people around the world are hating him right now.  He probably loves it!!!  Sorry people, but if you are really serious about making a difference and changing the world, you might have to leave your house to do it. 
If you are serious about getting involved with stopping Kony, you should read this first -  
As for me, I am doing something.  I am working on putting some pressure on the UN Commission on Human Rights and the World Court.  I am part of a team that is starting an online petition to have these organizations to agree to issue a generous reward for his capture and hopefully persuade some of the people hiding this monster into turning him in.  As soon as we get a link up, I will let you know.  
In the meantime, here is the Viral Video about Kony, just in case you are one of the dozen or so who has not seen it.  

Free Advice Fridays - Some Random Advice for Everyone

Somebody sent me an email and wanted a double-dose of "Free Advice Fridays" today.  So here we go.  Free Advice that anyone could use.

Frozen Pizza (serving size: you)
1. Buy a frozen pizza
2. Cook it
3. Eat it
4. Repeat

Raid the Refrigerator (serving size: 2)
1. Preheat oven to 400 if you’re cold
2. Open the refrigerator
3. Get out a lot of stuff
4. Make a big pile
5. Take at least 2 bites of everything
(including butter, dressing, and spices)
6. Put everything away
7. Repeat

Air (serving size: 7,000,000,000)
1. Get in the car and start driving
2. Accelerate to 35mph
3. Roll down the window
4. Lean head out window
5. Eat Air
6. Repeat

ZippearZ Makes Your Boobs Bounce

Interesting Commercial for ZippearZ earbuds.

This is Always Funny!

I can never get enough of people walking into poles!  I have no idea why, but I laugh and laugh!  I guess I am a Sadistic S.O.B!!!
Anyway, this is CTV News reporter Kent Molgat.  Enjoy!!!

Forget Dr. Phil -- I'm Here!!!

You may be saying to yourself "Oh I’m fine, thanks” but that’s the denial talking.  I assure you, you are way more messed up than you think you are.  I know you are all now saying “Who the hell asked you, you freakin' idiot?”  You just thought that right?  I knew that is what you were going to think.  See, the deal is that you have problems.  Everyone has problems.  No one is 100% perfect and happy.  You know what, I am going to do a great service for you.  I’m going to fix you.  You’re welcome.

This is the reason that I came up with Free Advice Fridays.  I want to try and help you, my loyal and slightly demented readers.  What is that you ask?  My qualifications?  I have already proven myself with my previous columns.  It has been said many times that I am the "Dr. Phil of Iowa."   Dr. Phil has nothing on me.  I’m better than Dr. Phil, who is apparently following me on my blog (I noticed he had a show on relaxing this week, the week after I had my Free Advice Friday column on relaxing on my old blog.  What a copycat!)  How am I better than Dr. Phil (Other than he is stealing stuff from my advice column to pass along to his viewers)? 

A few examples of Dr. Phil's advice vs. my advice:

Dr. Phil: Never assume that you're stuck with the way things are. You have the ability to make a difference.
Me: Never assume that you're stuck with the way things are. Things can always get way worse and usually do.

Dr. Phil: The world in which you live depends on the world you choose to see and the values you choose to express!
Me: The world in which you live depends on where you were born and the values your parents and societ put upon you.

Dr. Phil: Who is to say what reality is? We all determine our own reality as we live our own paths of lives. live it.. go find your path!
Me: Who is to say what reality is?  The police.  Psychiatrists.  People who can put you away.  Creating your own reality is a sign of psychosis. 

Dr. Phil: You can either suffer the painful consequences of ignoring it, or you can enjoy the outstanding benefits of acknowledging and accepting responsibility.
Me: I just had an epiphany this week.  It was awesome. 

Dr. Phil: You have the opportunity to respond to whatever happens in your world. And the way you respond determines the quality of your life.
Me: You have the opportunity to respond to whatever happens in your world. You're probably going to choose badly though.  Make sure you have a fall-back plan, or at least something to blame your bad decision on, such as stress at work, a wild night at the casino, or a stalker.

Dr. Phil: Anything the mind can conceive and believe, it can acheive.
Me: Where's my fire-breathing dragon and free Giordano's Pizza for life?  I have been thinking about those and believing it for a long time now.

Dr. Phil: The hardest drug we all have ingested is procrastination 24/7mg.
Me: I don't know about that.  Malaria pills were pretty tough to swallow.  I also took this huge anti-parasitic pill once that was about the size of a twinkie.  That was not pleasant.  I didn't even know you can take a "procrastination" pill.   Also, you can't prescribe 24/7th's of a mg of anything.  You are a terrible doctor.  They should revoke your license.

Dr. Phil: People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.
Me: I recommend pretending to be someone else whenever possible.  Like when I show up for a meeting I really don't want to be at,  I'm French and just look confused.  When someone asks me to volunteer for the PTA or some other time-consuming organization, I'm all "NYET!  I DO NOT SPEAK ZEE ENGLEESH!"  It works wonders!   Also, try to just not hear someone and walk off.  Then laterI pretend that I'm my twin brother Gustaf, who speaks a little English and I explain that my bro is also partially deaf.  Then I say I am going to an Antarctica research station for a year, so they will not think I am the talker, but I am my deaf, mute brother.  Anyway, What were we talking about?

Dr. Phil: The only power that discouragement has, is the power you give it.
Me: Oh right.  Crazy talk.  Come on Dr. Phil.  Start talking normal!!!

Dr. Phil: Everything in your world begins with a thought.
Me: Huh.  Who’s the dumbass who thought up tornadoes, blizzards, and annoying people?   

Dr. Phil: Realize that you are even more beautiful than the most beautiful thing you can comprehend.
Me: Okay, that doesn't even make any sense to me.  So I'm too dumb to comprehend anything more beautiful than me?  I’ve been diagramming this sentence over and over again and I am getting a migraine.   

Dr. Phil: Ultimately the only thing that really holds you back is your belief that you cant move forward.
Me: Look behind you.  Are your arms tied to the chair?  You've probably just been kidnapped 

It was at this point that I realized that I had a gift for giving advice and decided to start my own advice column every Friday.  Right here.  You have questions about when to break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend, how to talk to people who are on a lower level, or whether a career as a cop or a brain surgeon is right for you.  I have answers.  And some of them will be right. :)

Please leave your questions below or I will start making them up and attributing them to you anyway.  Have a great weekend!!!

Just What Every Ballpark needs -- An Aquarium

The Florida Marlins Ballpark has an aquarium that contains fish...right behind home plate. My Thoughts:
1.  It is said to be shatterproof, but a baseball flying at 100+ MPH that would hit that thing just right...Well, I can't wait to see that.
2.  All the pet shops have signs saying "Do Not Tap on the Glass" by their aquariums.  Think of how many foul balls, errant throws, etc. hit the backstop each game. Isn't that go to stress those little fishies out?  
3.  This goes with #1--Aren't we all hoping and praying that thing will shatter during a game.  That would be a sight to see!  I can't wait.  

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Once Again, Disney Shows Its Racist Side

Disney's new Candy.  I would say they are perpetuating Stereotypes!  

Bride Trips in a 2-Piece Wedding Dress

This video has been making the rounds in Cyberspace.  Personally, I think it is Fake!  Think about it:

1.  There are very few two-piece wedding dresses (actually, this is the first I have ever seen) 
2.  If a disaster does strike, as it appeared to have happened here, wouldn't it just be easier to pull the dress up rather than pull it all the way down and off?  

Of course if you did that, then the video probably wouldn't have gone viral!  

Garfield Obsession?

If This Guy Complains about not having a girlfriend, or a life, ... I don't want to hear it!  This dude has some issues!

This Cat Cave Striptease Has My Vote

Hollow The Cat, a video made by Zahia, is part of a series called Nick & ChloĆ©.  This could be one of the greatest videos ever to surface on YouTube.  The Reason is obvious...

A New Drinking Game

If I am playing Drinking games, I want to play with them!

Family Phone Call Drinking Game
  • Drink for every heavy sigh.
  • Drink for each comparison to a sibling.
  • Drink every time your mother yells from the kitchen.
  • Drink twice if she yells asking about your non-existent girlfriend.
  • Drink each time you can hear air quotes around your career.
  • Drink each time you have to remind someone ‘what exactly it is you’re doing these days’.
  • Drink for every ‘if you would have…’
  • Drink heavily every time “I’m pretty disappointed” for half a second sounds like it’s going to be an “I’m proud of you.”
  • Make Sure your Game does not end like this.  Too many Guys!
  • Drink when Dad calls it “Saturday Nightlife” instead of “Saturday Night Live”.

Kobe is...THE LONE RANGER!!!

Now that Kobe is not the greatest BBall player playing the game now I think Kevin Durant has passed him up), it looks like Kobe is thinking of an acting career after BBall.  Maybe he could be the next Lone Ranger?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Now this is a World Record I would want to see!!!

Apparently 450 bikini clad spring breakers set the record for most bikini clad women in a parade yesterday in Panama City Beach, Florida. The old record was 357.  My question:  Why Wasn't I Notified!!!

Hump Day

I have tried this line.  Trust me, it doesn't work too good. :(

DUDE!!! I am so Excited!

Even poking my own eye out with my thumb won't dampen my spirit!

And Why am I excited?  Cause I am going to Jethro's to eat some good
barbecue tonight!!!!  Bring it on!

LeBron and his Man-Purse

Call this a Man-Purse, call it a Murse, call it whatever you want, but you can be sure that I won't be accessorizing with one of these things.  Sorry LeBron, but this is just about as low as you can go on the "Man-Scale."  You have Failed!  Now get rid of that Damn Thing and get an athletic duffle bag like all the cool athletes carry!

I Used To Be Able To Do This...Kind of

WOW!!!  This kid downs 2 beers poured in one mug in just 5 seconds. Very impressive!  That beats my record of 12.3 seconds.  Congratulations!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Now This is a Pool Table!!!

WOW!!!!  I WANT THIS!!!  Too bad I will probably never be able to afford it.  This is the Obscura Digital Cuelight Interactive Pool Table.  A buddy sent me the video link.  The limited Edition Obscura CueLight projection system turns a game of pool into mind-blowing interactive art display. Obscura's projection, sensor and tracking system reveals images and animations that follow the movements of the pool balls as players hit them around the table. The movements vary with the speed of the ball.  There are even pictures that you can load into it. Very Cool!!!

Chelsea Charms - World Record Boobs

Chelsea Charms, stripper and freaky girl, has a figure of 164XXX-23-34. Her boobs are still growing too.  The reason for the constant growth?  Polypropylene string breast implants...This stuff is injected in the breast and continuous irritate the breast pocket promoting the production of fluid. The fluid is then absorbed by the implant, resulting in continuous, gradual growth of the breast.

They currently weigh 26...EACH!!!!  She has to have Back Problems!
Sorry Chelsea, but that is just not attractive!  

Hidden Logos - Can you get them all?

I got all but one.  Not bad!

Terrifying Tuesday - Scary Bikini Girl!

I don't think this girl needs to be wearing a bikini like this out in public.  Of course I could be wrong.  My Buddy Greg A. told me after seeing this picture:  "Dude, I am in Love!!!"  Greg, you never learn my friend!

Michael Phelps Needs To Swim Outdoors

Michael Phelps was paid to attend the opening of a big hotel, resort, casino in Vegas this last weekend.  Here he is with a couple hotties.  For a swimmer, Michael is way white.  He is whiter than me an I spend my winters in Iowa!  Hope he had some sunscreen.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Tui Beer - Beer Brewed by Women only (Hilarious and Sexy)

Tui Beer is a New Zealand brand of beer that is so tempting to men, they only allow women in the brewery to brew it.  The Tui story is actually an interesting one.  The beer company was founded...WHAT?  You tellin' me to SHUT UP?!?!?!  AHH, OK -- You just want to see another commercial.

WOW!!!! Who Thought of this Billboard??

This is not a joke.  CNN did a short story on this billboard that is up in New Zealand.  It seems that Conservative Christians are beyond pissed about this billboard.  I bet there are even a bunch of "Liberal" Christians that are P.O.ed too.  The Billboard is for St. Matthew's in the City Church in Auckland.  Read more about it here. 

Exercise Machine or Sex Toy

The Japanese claim this is an exercise machine.  It's called Joba®, the Horse Riding Fitness Machine.  You be the judge:

This is Some Weird Coffee

I love coffee, but don't drink it nearly as much as I would like to. I did get a cup of coffee today at work.  I usually don't have time to get some or I get there too late and it is all gone.  So today, as I was getting my messages in the main room, I noticed there was some coffee left in the pot.  I was feeling a little tired so I thought a caffeine fix would get me going.  Now I am definitely not a coffee expert, but even I know enough to take it as a bad sign that my coffee ate through my Styrofoam cup and leaked all over my desk.

No Shit!  This is not a joke.  I got back to my desk and did some work, letting the coffee cool down.  I had a couple grad students stop by to get some help on an assignment.  It ended up taking about 40 minutes.  Then I went to the Shitter (Once again, no reading material there!) and then went back to my office.  Over an hour had passed (yes, it was a long #2 and I played some solitaire on my phone while in there.)  When i got back to my desk, there was coffee all over it.  I thought the cup was just leaking, but I noticed that it looked like the styrofoam had melted away in a couple of spots.  I know this wasn't from the heat because all was fine when I went to the bathroom.  

So I have thought about this and thought about it and I have come to two possible reasons for this happening.  First, this was a setup and one of my co-workers is trying to kill me by poisoning my coffee. Maybe they saw me coming and were hoping I would drink some coffee today.  The quickly added a few drops of some type of acid.  Don't laugh readers, this is a very real possibility.  I have been making up a list of people who might want to see yours truly in a casket, 6 feet under.  I counted up to 12 and I have not even gotten to ex-girlfriends or co-workers yet.   

My second possibility is that some idiot is trying to drive me crazy.  They want to see me go to the psyche ward.  Maybe someone saw me go to the bathroom and snuck into my office and took a cigarette lighter (which would be illegal to light in the building by the way!) and melted a couple of spots in my cup.  They did this knowing that I would freak out and get paranoid and think everyone was out to get me.  Now that they have started, maybe they are going to start messing with me in other ways.  They could cut the leg of my chairs shorter so the desk seems higher.  Or maybe they will mess with my food in the break room fridge, putting hot sauce on my chicken salad sandwich.  What if they change the locks on my door?  My GOD!!!  I am thinking of going to Best Buy to get a surveillance camera and put it in my office!   

I guess there is a third possibility. Maybe they had just brewed it and they made it really strong and it was super hot.  It could have melted very slowly and finally broke through without me noticing before I went to the bathroom... NAH!!!  That would be too easy and too boring.  It has to be one of the above!  

Sunday, March 4, 2012

This Baby is Sexy, And He Knows It

It takes him about 20 seconds to warm up, then watch the little bust some moves!

The Hazzards of Winter Driving

Pretty Sure that guy didn't make it!

The World Needs More Orgasms!!!

I always knew it -- Orgasms lead to stress relief, weight loss, better sleep, a healthier heart, a happier life and longevity. It also eases depression, strengthens blood vessels, boosts the immune system and lowers the risk of both prostate and breast cancer. Oh, and it helps with restless legs syndrome (before RLS leads to Vesper's Curse and kills you). This from several medical websites, so it is legit.

So why aren't there more studies on it? It appears the Wall Street Journal wants to know.  "If I told you we have randomized double-blind placebo-controlled multi-center trials on these questions, there is no such a thing," says Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and editor in chief of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The biggest obstacle is lack of funding, he says. "If 'sex' is in your grant proposal, it's very hard to get it approved."

If they do get some funding and need volunteers, I will be the first in line!

Just for Kids!

No Vagina for Mr. Minor!

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