Saturday, March 31, 2012

They Have a Point

Screw Our Justice System, Let Twitter Dish Out Some Justice!

Nice Idea Austin!  I never knew I could punch someone just by retweeting something!  Cool.  I am gonna start retweeting so Justin Bieber gets punched like 20 times.  

And favoriting a tweet brings justice?  WOW!!!  Screw our legal system.  TWITTER IS THE NEW SUPREME COURT!

Honestly people, do you guys really believe this stuff????  

Belvedere Vodka and The Infamous Rape Ad

First of all, this was a real advertisement, although it didn't last long.  How did representatives at Belvedere Vodka react to outrage at their "Unlike some people, Belvedere always goes down smooth." advertising campaign?

They Kind of Tweeted an Apology:  We apologize to any of our fans who were offended by our recent tweet. We continue to be an advocate of safe and responsible drinking.

 What the Hell was That? You expect more from the idiots who greenlit the campaign to begin with? Don't drink it.


It appears that there is a magazine out there called OMFG.  Seriously!  Check it out:
It stands for "Official Meeting Facilities Guide" and they even have their own website -  I am surprised that they got the domain name before some enterprising teen got it and started some wacky site. 

And what about the magazine?  It is a recent issue, but it looks so 80's!!!

This is a Smart Boy!

Your Dad trained you well son!

This Guys Back Looks Like The Cover of My Junior High Notebook

Night Before April Fools Pranks on Your Kids

A reader sent me this from Oklahoma (thanks Lou).  It was on a local TV news show and can be found on their website here.  There are some great pranks to play on your kids tonight, the night before April Fools Day. Enjoy!
Colored Milk - This is a harmless but funny prank. Put a few drops of food coloring in the milk to turn it any color you wish. When the kids go to pour milk on their cereal, they’ll be in for a bit of a surprise! (Works best in carton container instead of plastic)
Open Door Policy - This prank takes a little work but is worth it. While the kids are at school, remove the door from their bedroom or bathroom. See how long it takes them to notice they can’t have their privacy (then maybe, they’ll start respecting yours.)
Dinner in Reverse - Set the table as you normally would but serve dessert first and then the main course. Your kids will be baffled that you are letting them eat ice cream before dinner but keep your poker face! Act as if this is the normal way a meal progresses. The trick in this prank is not acknowledging the prank, it will leave the kids confused and you’ll get a good chuckle at the end of the night.
Rock and Roll Parents - After the kids go to bed the night before April Fools Day or early in the morning before they get up, take turns tattooing each other with temporary tattoos. You can even put in some temporary hair color to complete your new look. Make sure you put the tattoos in places they’ll be seen (arms, nape of neck etc.) You can even accessorize with some body jewelry like a nose ring. As the morning begins, carry on as usual and soak in the confused looks.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Tiger Woods' Women Are Now on His Balls

It was bound to happen! Someone is taking Tiger's infidelity to a new business level. Someone has come out with a box with a set of 12 golf balls with pics of Woods' alleged hookups. If Tiger chooses to play a round - he can have all of his girls right there with him on his balls.

It's Friday Night...

What are you doing???

This is Why I Love Latinas!!!

2 Chilean Girls Dancing.  Need I say More!

Tiger and His Porn Stars

As you know, This is Tiger Woods Week here at the "Ramblings of a Semi-Madman."  The dude won his first PGA tournament in a couple of years and he may be getting back into top golf form.  Unfortunately his past is coming back to haunt him. Three of the women Tiger had sexual relations with have decided to get together and make a film entitled, 3 Mistresses: Notorious Tales of the World’s Greatest Golfer. It really isn't much of a movie but more like three porn stars who happened to sleep with Tiger and are now sharing pillow talk about the golfer. The film is X-rated, so there will probably be some recreations and dramatizations of said sexual trysts, not too mention a girls-only frolic.   

The ladies involved in the project are Joslyn James, Devon James and Holly Sampson. Three very accomplished actresses who have had stellar acting careers spanning several different genres—girl on girl, group, bondage, hardcore just to name a few. None of them have won any awards, AVN or Oscars, before but judging from the amount of attention this is getting, this could become their break-out performance.

The film’s sleezy director had this to stay via press release.
“Any time three women get together to talk about the same guy, the results are going to be more than interesting. Now, when these women also happen to be adult stars that have sex for a living, and reveal they have been with the same guy, you can be sure they’ll share absolutely everything.”
 I really get the feeling that they were waiting to release this film until Tiger got back in the spotlight with a win.  They probably filmed this a year or so ago and have been sitting on it, waiting and waiting for Tiger to finally win. 
Hottie Rachel Uchitel

Bikini Babe Rachel Uchitel
I only wish another Tiger Mistress, Rachel Uchitel could have joined the movie!

Free Advice Fridays - How to Get The Potholes In Your Neighborhood Fixed

We all hate them!!!  Those big holes that eat up cars, knock our tires out of alignment, bend axles and cause our coffee in the car to fly all over us. Well here is a way to get your city to fix them up.  It is fool proof!!!

Free Advice Friday Courtesy of Will Ferrell

Guest Blogger today is Will Ferrell!  :)

OK, OK -- He is a guest blogger, he just doesn't know it.  But I am sure the advice he tweeted was meant for my Free Advice Friday Column, so here it is!  Thanks Will!!!!  Or should I say "Gracias!"

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Tiger Woods and His Chick Mobile

Once Again, another post in honor of Tiger Woods' first PGA tour victory.  

Here is the latest use of Tiger Woods' image.  It seems these vans are starting to show up all over Taiwan.  It appears that Prostitution is legal in Taiwan.  One method they use are "Hooker Vans".  "Businesses" drive around Taipei with girls in the back.  Guys can stop the van, check out the girls and leave with one if they like.  They also deliver girls to your door if you call ahead.

Very clever use of Tiger's image and very well done on the photo choice!!

Breast Feeding, Kidnapping or...

Is this woman:
A.  Breast Feeding her child in a way so as not to offend anyone
B.  Kidnapping someone else's Child
C.  Smuggling children across the border
D.  Couldn't afford Breast Implants and is making do with whatever resources she has.

Globetrotter Dunks Basketball Without Jumping

The Harlem Globetrotters, who will be in Des Moines Sunday, has a 7'8" player named Paul "Tiny" Sturgess.  The dude doesn't even have to get off the court to dunk.  DAMN!!!

My Question:  How tall is his girlfriend?

The Celebrity Roast of Weed

Via College Humor, This is some funny stuff.

My Thoughts Exactly! :)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pacman Vs. Chuck Norris

Is there any doubt who will win?!?!?!

Springtime is here!!!

YEAH!!!  SPRINGTIME IS HERE.  The weather has been warm the last couple of weeks.  We have even hit the 80 degree mark the last week.  Very nice!!!!!

Unfortunately, Spring isn't all pleasant.  For me, Spring signals the beginning of my allergy season.  I am allergic to pollen, so when the trees, flowers and grasses start coming out of their winter hibernation, my allergies go bonkers.

So if you see me on the street and I have an annoyed, uncomfortable look on my face, I am not mad at you nor constipated, I am just a watery red-eyed man holding in a sneeze.  Don't be afraid.

The other problem with the arrival of warm weather is that many people start to show their horrible fashion sense.  I am shocked that there are so many people around Iowa that really have no clue how to dress themselves.  Where is Iowa's sense of style?  (Maybe we never had one).

Now is the time that people start wearing shirts  that are two or three sizes too small, bare midriffs are exposed that really should stay covered, and too many people give a glimpse of their pimply bottoms and hairy butts.  The advantage to winter is that you can cover all of this stuff up with sweaters, jackets, etc.  With warm weather, all of these poor clothing choices are out here in the open.  Walk into any Wal-Mart and you will see what I am talking about.

Yes, I love spring, save the allergies and the horrible fashion sense that many have.  Luckily,  the allergies offset the fashion part of it.  My eyes are always itchy, red, watery and nearly swollen shut so I do not really notice alot of the crappy clothing choices that my fellow Iowans make.  So Chalk one up for Allergies!!!  Never thought I would say it, but Thank God for Allergies!

SMM Goes to Vegas - #2

Another post in my continuing series "SMM goes to Vegas"  My friend shall remain anonymous (you know who you are!)

My friends and I had been up all night, at the clubs and then in the casinos.  It was about 5 AM and we ended up in the Golden Nugget Casino Restaurant.  At 5 AM, there are alot of old people eating the buffet breakfasts that are served in the casino restaurants.  We were definitely the youngest people there. 
One of the girls in the group was pretty gullable.  We convinced her to walk over to a table with an older couple and start dancing like Michael Jackson (She was actually a great dancer and did choreography for the Austin Ballet.)   I forgot to mention that Thriller had just started playing. 

She walked over and broke out the moonwalk.  She then started doing the whole Thriller dance routine.  The old guy at the table started yelling at her to get away from them.  Thing is, when she starts to dance, she does not want to stop.  She ignored him and just kept dancing.  We are cracking up at the table.  It was hilarious. 

She continued, nailing the Thriller dance step by step.  The old man, about 80 years old, clutched his butter knife and raised it.  I was the first to see it and I yelled "KNIFE!"  It didn't phase her.  She kept dancing.   All of a sudden, he took a swipe at her with his dull butter knife.  He stood up and swung the knife a second time, hitting her in the arm.  That is when she finally stopped and walked away, all the while the old guy is cussing up a storm.
She comes back to the table, mad at me because she things she almost got killed.  She actually had a big butter swipe on the front of her pants.  I had to explain to her it was just a butter knife. 

Now, more hilarity ensues as she tells me, "I don't care what kind of knife it was, they all can kill.  He could have punctured a vein or something in my leg and I would have bled to death."  Everyone is cracking up again as she is ranting and raving about her "near-death" experience.  The girl is actually getting mad because she thinks we do not care about her. 

This is when I take the butter knife sitting on the table and show it to her.  I show her that there is no serrated edge, no point, nothing that could puncture the skin.  Unless he stuck it in her eye, nothing was going to happen.  The table is cracking up so much that we are asked to leave the restaurant. Partly for the dance display and partly for the fun that we are having.

Brutal Broken Ankle in a Rugby Game

WARNING - IF you get sick easily, you may not want to watch this.  This is a video of an Australian Rugby game.  Jharal Yow Yeh breaks his ankle,  scratch that, he snaps his ankle in half.  You can see the blood on his sock.  Wait for the replay, that is when you can see it.  

I have broken my ankle before, although not this bad.  Trust me, it hurts like HELL!!!!!!!  

Tiger's Women

Another Post in Honor of Tiger Woods' Victory.  Let's Call This Tiger Woods Week!  
Originally Posted December 8, 2009:

Now the truth is coming out in droves.  Looks like Tiger is quite the player.  At least 9 women have come forward to say that they were having affairs with Tiger.  And these are not one-night stands.  Each woman claims that they were involved with Tiger from periods ranging from a few weeks to over one year. 

Are they credible?  Looks like they are.  Tiger hasn't come out and said they are lying.  My guess is that it is true and the women have text messages, pictures, etc. that can prove it. 

It appears that he was sleeping with up to four women at the same time, wife included.  One of the ladies that claims to have been sleeping with Tiger is a porn star.  Looks like Tiger may have been a sex addict.  Even two of his best friends are saying he screwed up royally.  He does not have many supporters right now.  I think his reputation is tarnished beyond repair. 

I can't wait to see him in his first golf tournament after this mess.  How will the crowd react?  Some analysts are claiming that they have talked to family members and he is devastated.  They claim Tiger may retire or at the very least take a couple of years off.  My how the mighty have fallen.

Addendum -- I just saw on the news this morning that a woman was rushed to the hospital last night from his house.  Not sure who the woman was.  Stay tuned as the TIGER WOODS SOAP OPERA continues.

This Day in History -- March 28

In this Day in History:

1931 - Alka Seltzer is introduced to society.  It is originally introduced as a way to get pesky seagulls away from your beach picnic spot.  Kids soon take the pills and use them as entertainment, throwing them in the air so seagulls would eat them and then explode. 

Several years later, as PETA is threatening to tear down Alka Seltzer's offices, some scientists find that Alka Seltzer can be used as an Antacid and PETA backs off on their threats, although hoodlum kids still use the antacid to explode seagulls.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Cirque de Soleil gets a little Risque!

I received this through email from a co-worker.  Why?  I have no idea why she would send it to me, unless it is a veiled hint ;)   

Anyway, these two are Cirque du Soleil dancers who are performing what appears to be a sexually charged routine that somehow is acceptable whilst performing in the general public for a high-paying audience in Vegas.  Remember, anything goes in Vegas! 

My friend raved about how beautiful this is and how artistic it is.  I agree, but I also came away with several questions that I feel need to be asked of you, my valued readers.
Watch first, then please help me answer the questions that follow.

Good, now that you have gone and showered and are toweled off, let us begin.
  1. What is the over and under for how many times they needed to rehearse this until he could get through the performance without A) Sporting wood or B) exploding in his pants?
  2. Are these two lovers off stage?  If not, is there anything a guy could hope to pull off that could possibly satisfy her?
  3. Did he really just catch her by the crotch with his face?
  4. Did she really just facepalm/handstand on this guy?
  5. Does she not have the most incredible ass ever put on earth?
  6. Why would this female co-worker randomly send this to me?  Does she want us to try this performance?  Would we be clothed or un-clothed?  Maybe it is just coincidence...
Help me out readers.  Let me know what you think, especially with #6. 

Tiger Wood's Magazine Placement - A Little Ironic

In Honor Of Tiger Woods' First PGA Victory since the Sex Scandal, I will be re-posting some of my most popular Tiger Woods Posts from my previous Blog.  Enjoy!!!
Posted March 27, 2011:
Picture taken at a News Stand at O'Hare Airport in Chicago
It’s funny and ironic due to the positioning of the magazines on the rack and of course Tiger's history with, uhm, you know, Porn stars and sexy models.  The guy was in Rehab for sex addiction.  I looks like Tiger Woods is ooling the covers of Penthouse and Playboy’s Lingerie.

I wonder how many times Tiger has stood in an airport in person and stared at the top row of magazines?

These People Always Seem to Sit in Front of You at Movies

My Friend James sent me this in an email. He has graciously agreed to let me post it. I added the pictures myself (Aren't I talented!!!!)

We’ve all been there. Minding our own business, wolfing down our Raisinets and gulping down our 50 oz. sodas before the previews even begin. Bladders be damned. Then the curtains go up, the lights go down, and you’re left alone in hopes of seeing Olga Kurylenko toting a machine gun and posing in front of an explosion. (You read it in a review somewhere.)

But no, there are vermin afoot in the theater. And they have plans against you and Olga, plans that involve loudly smacking Sour Patch Kids or forgetting to turn off their cell phone after the umpteenth on-screen reminder. They come in a wide variety, but there's one thing in common: nothing would be more satisfying than standing up and dumping your soda all over their head (what's left of it, anyway).

Like the picture says, why not?



These unfortunate types often have the distinction of always sitting in the middle of the aisle - usually in the seat right next to you - which forces them to inch past you each time they need to take a piss, thus giving you a constant reminder of the size of their bladders. On top of that, watching someone go to the bathroom doesn’t help you forget your own urges down there, and soon enough, you're exiting the theatre while cursing yourself for probably missing the scene with Olga.


For Billy Bob and Bertha to be especially annoying, they have to be sitting within a couple of rows of you, and if you’re particularly unlucky a tall person and a big haired freak will have somehow found each other, and, heaven forbid, gone to the movies together! I do not want to sit in theatre with Billy Bob and Bertha and their kids, staring at their monstrous height or the curly-haired, grotesque fake coiffes. Nobody should have to see that.


These days, tickets are a good ten bucks a pop, and when you factor in the exorbitant concessions, on a date you’re looking at a good thirty bucks if you go easy on the candy, and hey, you don’t wanna look cheap. And of course, after all that money spent, what would make more sense for the Lovebirds than to completely ignore what’s going on onscreen so they can flap their lips and tongues together loudly enough to drown out the sound of any explosion that might be happening, maybe behind Olga. And if you’re in a crowded theater and these amorous teens decide to sit next to you, God help you.


Good old Larry here can come in two different varieties, both of them annoying. On the one hand, you could be lucky enough to just be stuck with him laughing at inappropriate times, sniggering with his buddies at Dr. Manhattan’s wang (okay, maybe a lot of us did that), but if it happens to just not be your day, you’ll get the guy who apparently has never heard a joke before and is discovering laughter for the first time. Though you would love to congratulate this barely homo sapien on his discovery, he won’t give you the chance. He laughs at every single joke like it’s changed his life and perspective on humor, and he goes on heartily and frequently, chuckling to himself in between the outbursts. Let’s go stuff popcorn down his eternally open gullet.


Unfortunately for you, there are a surprisingly large amount of items available to Nancy for her to spoil the movie by adding her own soundtrack. (AMC ® Silence is Golden.) Let’s start with ammo they make you pay for right in the theatre – food and drink. Nancy’s smacking teeth masticating away on her Junior Mints, the straw that’s always barely sipping away on a drink, slurping into her giggling throat. Which soon proceeds to cough, because, you see, Nancy has a cold, and has brought plenty of tissue – you know, you’ve counted 37 blows so far, 20 of them coughs, 17 sneezes. And every time a sneeze erupts, she makes sure to squeak her chair extra loud by rocking back on it. You start praying that Nancy is suffering from some terminal form of strep throat.


Craig’s another one of those beasts that can come in two forms. On the one hand, you have the na├»ve kind who thinks he should probably let everybody in the theater know what’s coming up, because, you know, he’s figured it out before you. Or at least he thinks he has – but usually he’s wrong, considering his proclamations come mere seconds before an event’s happening. “Aw, that chick's gonna get killed!” “Someone’s in there!” Then there’s the haughty Craig, the one who critiques an event after its occurrence. In Craig’s mind, the entire theatre is his audience, and he has to let everyone know that the massive explosion that blew Tom Cruise thirty feet was in no physical way possible. “Yeah, right!” “Are you serious?” “Like that could happen!” He seems to forget that if we’re watching Tom Cruise be a secret agent, we don’t care much about believability.


Little is known of exactly how the Echo’s mind works. Given that the sound presumably reaches everyone in the theatre, it’s questionable why Echo seems to think that those around him need a play-by-play (by which I mean line-for-line) recount of what the characters are saying and what they’re doing. Does Echo need to repeat everything he hears so that it registers in his mind? Does he think he’s truly doing the world a service? Has someone lied to Echo since he was a child, telling him that he’s destined for greatness and that the entire world needs him to repeat things to them, for they are dependent upon Echo’s voice? Well, my heart goes out to him, but in the meantime he needs to get the heck out of the movie.


TT, as he will heretofore be known, is one of the ultimate banes to roam any movie theatre. Aside from the fact that the mother shouldn’t have brought TT to the movie in the first place, TT’s trademark is that he finds each scene of the movie objectionable to every fiber in his being, and his screams of protest evidence this fact, combined with enough tears to put into a large cup to dump on their parents’s inconsiderate heads. If TT happens to be teething, let’s hope you brought your earplugs.


Cell phones have been around a good ten years or so now, so nobody has any excuses anymore for lack of cell phone etiquette in a theatre. Think about it. You’re told, point blank, by a giant screen about fifty times your size, at least twice to turn off your phone. Of course the idiot manages to miss this large, loud, reminder, so he/she is obligated to do nothing more than miss the next few dozen reminders consisting of cell phones clickety-clacketing shut all over the theatre. Then the movie starts, and idiots’s phone goes off to some Britney Barf-Pop, but wait, Cell phone idiot forgot her phone deep in her purse, so there goes the rummaging! A click, you sigh in relief, it’s over – but then the little white light comes on letting you know that “OMG! BeckysBFjustdumpedher AGAINomfg!! Srlsy!” For the cell phone chick, this news isn’t enough to leave the theatre with, but, then again, she can’t just turn off the phone – what would Becky say? Simple solution is to twitter her fingers away at texting, finally putting the phone away before it goes off ten minutes later and Cell phone chick realizes this call is too important to let go to voicemail, so she picks up the phone and starts chattering away. At this point usually someone will either a) fetch an usher, b) tell her to shut up, or c) shoot her, but more importantly, silencing her cell phone.

Terrifying Tuesdays!!!! - Signs you Don't Wanna See

YUCK!!!  This is a very graphic sign from Nicaragua.  I doubt they put that on the cover of their tourist brochures!!

Not exactly what this sign is all about.  Something with a power plant, a skull and crossbones, and a girl with a pony tail running for her life.  Oh yeah, and a big exclamation point.  Screw that -- I don't need to know what it means, you can bet I will stay away.

OK, so if you see this sign, that means you are over a crevice and you are supposed to stop??  What if someone moved the ropes?  Sneaky...

Marine Stingers???  Interesting way of putting it.  Not sure which sounds worse, Marine stingers or our next one...

Portuguese Man-Of-War.  I think this sign looks worse since there are a group of 5 attacking the guy.  The previous sign just had one.  And a marine stinger sounds like something from a cartoon.

I should have stayed home!!!!!

Explosions and Quick Sand...Pick your death!!! What a contrast.  And I love the warning "Do not touch or pick up any metallic objects, they may explode and kill you"  Short, sweet and too the point.  I would just walk around this area.

Shouldn't this sign be a little bigger and not behind a bush???

Ok, Let's turn back right now.

New Feature - Bad Tats

There are so many bad tattoos out there, it would probably take years to post them all.  Since I plan on having this blog for years and years, I figure now would be a great time to start.   I introduce to you a new feature here on "Ramblings of a Semi-Madman".  Let's keep it simple and call it "Bad Tats"

The first bad tat is one I posted a few weeks ago.  It is of the guy that got a pringles can tattooed on his body.  What is up with that!  Must be a huge fan of the chips.  Either that or he lost a bet!

Here is the second one:  

"I Run With Scissors" -  WTF is that?  Is this some knitting freak that is in a gang?  Maybe the Bloods and the Crips have a knitting division of their gangs.  When their members are shot and killed, the knitting brigade knits a nice stocking cap for their family in memory of the gangbanger who died.  This is definitely one of the weirder tattoos that I have seen.  

Breakfast Blues

Yesterday, I ate a huge breakfast to get my energy up for the first day of work in over a week. I was ready to go. I get to work and they have a bunch of cinnamon rolls for us. How was I to know? I ate cereal, toast, eggs and a couple of granola bars and I had no room for cinnamon rolls.  What a bummer because I am a Cinnamon Roll Junkie!

Today, I wake up at 7:00 and start getting ready. By the time I get ready to eat breakfast, it is already 7:40 and I have to be there at 8. I decided to skip breakfast thinking there will be some donuts or something for us this morning. Afterall, we are having some special meetings the first three days this week.  Why would today be any different?  I get to work and nothing!!!! This Sucks!!!!!  I am starving my ass off and the only thing I have to snack on is a granola bar that is 5 months old.

Office Mates, be prepared!  I am going to eat like a Pig Today!

PS: Look at the time this was posted. I left for work at 7:46, made it, checked for donuts and still had time to post this before 8 AM!!! Now that is Time Management.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Female Viagara is Here!

Tiger is Back

I Love the New York Post and their Wacky Headlines.  Yesterday, Tiger Woods won his first Golf tournament in what seems like forever.  Looks like this has opened the "Tiger Woods and His Ho's" Jokes Back Up.  In Honor of Tiger, I will be re-posting some of my Tiger Posts from my old Blog all this week!  Stay Tuned!!!

SMM Goes to Vegas - #1

I have been to Vegas more times than I care to remember.  And anyone who has been to Vegas enough times is bound to have some rather humorous and/or embarrassing stories.  I have my fair share. 

Here is a new Blog segment entitled "SMM Goes to Vegas"  From time to time, I will present you with some of my funny Vegas memories.  Enjoy!

So I was talking to a friend a week ago about the time we were in Vegas a while back.  We reflected upon one of the funnier Vegas moments I have ever had.   It was something that made me laugh, and laugh and laugh.  It is kind of one of those "You had to be there" stories, but you still may find some humor in it. 

It was about 1 AM and it was the last night of the trip. My buddy had been out partying all night an dI had been in the casino.  There were four of us in one room and we were finally calling it a night in order to get up early and catch a flight back to Texas.
I have no idea why, but I suddenly said "Screw this.  It is our LAST NIGHT IN VEGAS!!!  I am going to a club and dance!"   I talk my friend Mike into going out as well and we hit the clubs. 
I end up going back to the room at around 3 AM.  I have lost Mike in this huge 3 story nightclub and figure he is a big boy, he can find his way back to the hotel. 
So the next morning we get up early and check out, leaving our bags with the concierge so we could eat breakfast. After eating a buffet breakfast, we return to get the bags. The guy at the front asks for the ticket and I in turn ask Mike, “Do you have the ticket for the bags?” He reaches in his pocket, which is full of crumpled up money and various receipts. He hands me what he thinks is the bag ticket.
ME:  (examines receipt with interest then bursts into laughter). You ate FOUR McDonalds double cheeseburgers at 4:33 AM??? WHAT THE HELL??

MIKE: WHAT?? No I didn’t! (I start laughing because I know he would never eat even one McDonalds double cheeseburger. Let alone four.  Mike is a health freak)
ME: It says it right here! Four double cheeseburgers at 4:33! HAHA!!

MIKE: (Now I’m hysterical because Mike is starting to freak out and get a panicked look) I must have picked up the wrong receipt!

ME:  No you didn’t you must have drank so much that you ate the four burgers and you just forgot!! At 4:33!  There goes your healthy living.  Hey, didn't you say last week that you haven't eaten at a McDonalds in over 10 years?  There goes that streak too!

Now, everyone is doubled over laughing.  We have succeeded in causing a scene as people are slowing down to see what is going on.  The baggage guy is not too amused though and is repeatedly saying, "Just let me see the Ticket!"

All of a sudden, Mike gets a terrified look across his face.  We all quiet up as he struggles to speak.

MIKE:  Oh My God!!!  I actually do remember what happened.  NO WAY!!  There were like 30 people ordering food and the people working the counter were overwhelmed and couldn't handle it.  I was in there just to get a coke or something, no food. I got the coke and thought she was giving me the receipt.  I just grabbed one that was on the counter.  I guess it wasn't mine! 

ME: YEAH RIGHT!!! HAHAHA!!!  NO WAY is right.  You totally ate the cheeseburgers. 
MIKE: I swear! Why would I eat four double cheeseburgers? I would never do that!  I hardly ever eat red meat anyway.  Give me a break. 
ME: But you did. Here’s the proof! (I hold up the receipt)  We are not buying your story dude!  Give it up! 
MIKE: (A desperate laugh and signs of desperation in his voice) HAHAHAHA!! IT’S NOT MINE! MAYBE SOMEONE PLANTED IT ON ME!!
We continued laughing for another minute or so while Mike tried to convince us that he did not eat the burgers.  Practically screaming as people looked at us like we were crazy.  Remember, we were in front of the Mirage Hotel, at the entrance.  There were probably 40+ people passing by us every minute. 
Maybe it doesn't sound all that funny, but if the guys in The Hangover had put that in their movie, I bet everyone would be laughing their butt off in the movie theater.  Try and act it out sometime.  Hilarious stuff.  Trust me!

California is Screwed!

California is a mess!  

254: the number of companies that moved out of state last year; five times as many that moved out in 2009.

120,000: the number of jobs lost last year; Texas gained 130,000.

3,600: the number of people that will be employed at Apple's next expansion in Austin, Texas. Apple, you will recall, was founded in California.

12: the percentage Americans living in California.

34: the percentage of Americans on welfare living in California.

9 billion: the amount of dollars Governor Brown expects to generate in revenue from his proposed tax plan (that will be voted on in November) in the first year.

2.2 billion: the actual amount of dollars in revenue that the Legislative Analyst's Office expects the state to realize from the Governor's proposed taxes.

9.2 billion: the deficit this year as estimated by the State Controller's Office.

Good luck Cali!  I hope this isn't a sign of things to come for other states

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Victoria Secret's Fabulous

Guys, you know you want to click this video, so do it!  Girls -- Check out what all the fuss is about.  There is something in this one for all!

Maybe Spell Check Is Smarter Than We Think

Today I was spell checking a document, and the word "sippy," (sippy cup), came up as an unknown word. The word suggested instead was "nippy," as in nippy cup?

At first I just laughed because as a guy, the first thing we think of when we here anything relating to "Nip" are nipples and boobs!  After my initial chuckle, I thought about it.  It Actually kind of makes sense since the baby is getting used to something that's kind of like the . . . like. . . mommy's nipple.

You see!

Spell Check is Smarter Than You Think.

Fart or Shart

I Hate it when I get that feeling too.  The nervousness, the anticipation.  Then trying to hold it in till the last second.  The relief when it comes out as only a fart or the terror when that fart turns into a shart!  I know how you feel Hanna.  JUST DON'T BROADCAST IT ON FACEBOOK!  This is info that we do not need to know or don't really give a crap about!   That is all for now.  

Look's Like I Found Amy Winehouse's Final Resting Place!

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