Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Scoop on Semen

Creepy Wedding Photo

Not sure if these two decided to poison themselves because someone spoke their peace at the wedding and forbade them to marry or if this is just a weird wedding photo.  Hope it is the first one, because if it is the second, then they are weird!!!

Drunken Memories

It is the weekend and that usually means drinking and partying.  I am getting a little older now, but I can still tie one on!  I am starting a new segment on this blog entitled "Drunken Memories"  These posts will present my exploits and the drunken exploits of my friends back when I was in college.  I can't remember them all, but I remember enough!!!  Here we go...

In college, my roommates and I were “pre-drinking” at my apartment (For those who do not know what “Pre-Drinking” is, it is sitting around drinking until it is time to officially go out to the bars and clubs).  We began after our classes had ended, around 3:30 in the afternoon.  We started the afternoon off by making a run to Taco Cabana and then buying a few cases of beer.  We sat around and drank, and drank, and drank some more.   At about 10:30 (7 hours of drinking later) we decided to go a party of a friend. She was a hottie and we all wanted to hook-up with her.  She also had awesome parties.  The last time we went to a party at this girl's house, it was impossible to get inside because of how many people showed up.  Her parties would always end up being a shit-load of people standing around her front yard and drinking. We didn't know if there were going to be kegs there so we decided it was best if we brought a lot of beer (We had already drunk our 4 or 5 cases of beer we bought in tha afternoon).  This is when my friend Robbie came up with a genius idea: we would go to Wal-Mart and buy an ice chest.

We didn’t want to look like idiots, holding multiple cans of beer on the front lawn of a party. Robbie’s idea was best summed up by him when he said, "Homies, if we get an ice chest we'll have some place for our beer, but also a place to sit if we get tired of standing." For some reason, we all agreed that us sitting on an ice chest in the front yard of a party would look cooler than double fisting beers.   

So we all pile in the pickup and get to the Wal-Mart. Robbie decides we need a cart (for the beer) so he grabs the first one he sees, and yells to my buddy Drew, "Get in. I'll push." Drew, being the smart guy that he is, jumps in. Robbie begins running through the parking lot screaming like an idiot and pushing Joey. After his second lap he gives Drew a final push - which goes straight into the side of a maroon Ford Mustang. Drew flies over the hood on to the pavement in a heap. Robbie and I both, being the concerned friends that we are, run directly to the side of the car, where we begin examining the side of the Mustang (which has a huge fucking scratch in it and a fair-sized dent). Drew gets up holding his forearm, which he immediately declares is broken. We tell him to "quit being a pussy" and "to rub some dirt on it and take out his tampon" and other similarly supportive things.

Drew suggests we take him to the ER. Robbie tells him we can't do that. He has been drinking, and he'll get arrested - Robbie tells Drew. Drew, being the smart guy that he is says, "Holy shit, you're right." So we head in to Wal-Mart, buy thirty beers or so, and head on over to the Hottie’s party. Of course, Drew can't move his arm and has some pretty bad swelling in it - so he takes off his shirt, makes a sling out of it, and ties it around his shoulder. So there we are, three guys - sitting on an ice chest - one not wearing a shirt because it is wrapped around him in a make-shift sling. The next day, an x-ray revealed Drew's arm was broken in two places. What a trooper. Not one of us got laid that night either.  Looking back, if we would have know nobody was going to get some action, we would have taken Drew to the Hospital, but back in the day, if there was even the slightest possibility of getting laid, that trumped everything else. 

Girlfriend Got a Little Drunk Last Night?

I think we can all spot a girl at the party having way too much fun.  Dancing, singing, hanging on people, double fisting beers or margaritas.  Well, this is what happens after all the fun is over!  Thank God For Digital Cameras!
drunk-girl-9   4th-of-july-drinking-4


14 Yr. Old Brazilian Model is 6'9" - WOW


Movie Reviews - Marked For Death - A Crappy Steven Seagal Film

I have no idea why, but I watched Steven Seagal's Marked for Death the other night on TV.  WOW!!! 
Let me tell you a few awesome/terrible things about this film . . .

1. The bad guy in the film is a Jamaican drug lord named Screwface with scary eyes, and Steven goes after this guy, breaking like 20 Jamaican arms in the process.

2. Seagal is so chubby, moves so slow, walks around like he has a stick up his butt, but somehow he can always beat up like 20 or 30 people at a time in his movies.

3. The soundtrack is actually really good with some great reggae songs by Jimmy Cliff and Peter Tosh, along with some random old school rap songs by Young MC and Tone Loc.  This was one of the few pluses of the movie.

4. After chopping the head off of the bad guy, Seagal and his cronies bring the head to show a bunch of other bad guys, only to have the Jamaican Drug Lord dude show up with his head still attached. How the Hell did that happen?  OF COURSE...He has a twin brother! So, Seagal has a sword fight with him, cutting his forehead pretty good, pops his thumbs through his eyes and throws him through a wall and down an elevator shaft.  The guy ends up skewered on a pole like a Jamaican jerk chicken (which actually tastes great - if you ever have the chance, try it!)  After that, what do you think Seagal says? "I hope they are not triplets," or something to that effect.   Predictable and Weak!

5. One infamous mistake in the film involves a car chase through Chicago where there are palm trees along the street. Huh? I've been in Chicago many times and I live in Iowa, which is basically the same climate.  DUDE, there are no palm trees here! 

What a pathetic movie!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Veronica...You Have a Problem

Coke Whores

As the poster says, these two are making their fathers proud!



KahlĂșa has a hilarious new campaign out featuring Veracruz native Ana de la Reguera, (gringos will probably remember her best from Nacho Libre) informing Americanos about several important truths, including the fact that “Here in Veracruz we speak Spanish mostly because it’s the language that we speak.” She is so Observant!

Interesting Sexy Movie Trailer

I have no idea what they are saying, so thank God for the Subtitles! I do know that the movie is titled “Muzi v Nadeji”.  It was a comedy that came out last year in the Czech Republic.  

Free Advice Friday -- How to Get Comped in Vegas

Las Vegas is the world's playground. You'll have a great time in Vegas even in a seedy, little $30 crappy hotel room. But you can still get a great room at a rock-bottom price with a little finesse:

Be a famous celebrity: If you're already a famous celebrity, great you're halfway to getting a five-star room at a low, low price. If not, then get crackin'.  Get on a reality TV show or sleep with Tiger Woods.  Do something. 

Complain about the horse head in your bed: This is more common than you think - some real estate agent attends a conference, gets a little mouthy with a dealer or walks out with an extra $100 chip and the Mob gets all touchy. Next thing you know, Mr. Housebroker wakes up covered in horse blood with an amputated head under his sheets. Take this up with the hotel manager and you're guaranteed a free upgrade.

Invite your friends: Everybody loves a weekend in Vegas. Get 11 or 12 of your most handsome friends and rob the vaults of the Bellagio, Mirage and MGM Grand on the night of a big fight. Then do it again three years later with worse writing and more cameos. 

Find a roommate: If you read the fine print on the back of a hotel room door you'll see rooms are charged a single rate plus an extra $2 for each additional person. Find someone who already has a room and just throw him a couple bucks and stay there.

Aim low: Just start at a really lousy, cheap flea-bag motel. Once you upgrade to a Super 8 or Best Western, you'll think it's the Mirage.

Bill Clinton Hangin' With Some Porn Stars

Pornstars Brooklyn Lee is on the right and Tasha Reign is on Bills left.  No idea who the other blonde is.  It seems her and a few of her porn star friends got to hang out with Bill Clinton at a charity event.  Bill Sure looks Happy!  

Porn star or not, all three of them are about 5 steps up from that nasty Monica Lewinsky who he let give him a blowjob in the White House.   And don't forget his use of the cigar on her!  Wonder if he scored with any of these three...

I am sure he could of.  I bet there are a ton of chicks who would do Bill Clinton just to say they did the former President of the United States.  Wait till Obama is out of office, he will have chicks all over him.  He better have a strong will or Michelle better not be the jealous type.  

Need Advice?

As many of my regular readers know, Friday's here are Free Advice Fridays!  I try and give out some great advice to my readers to help them live their lives right and to the fullest.  Past topics have included: Picking up chicks, How to be a Man, Cooking, Going off to College, Being Cool, Understanding Men, Understanding Ladies, etc.

From time to time, I also answer emails from my readers.  I try and be extra-attentive to you all and I aim to please.  If any of you have need advice about anything, send me an email at

And I mean anything -- Fixing cars, riding motorcycles, Advice on Love, Health needs, etc.  ANYTHING!  I guarantee that I can make it better and it is FREE!!!  Forget Dr. Phil -  You got the Madman!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Miami Heat Fan Celebrates by Stripping in a Bar

I am not a Miami Heat fan. In fact, I hope they lose and get knocked out of the playoffs by the Pacers.  Lebron and his "Dream Team" are all a bunch of punks!  
With that said, I would like to thank the Heat for their game 5 win over the Pacers the other night.  Why?  Because a hottie at a bar in Miami decided to do a striptease while dancing on the bar.  And someone caught it on their phone camera and posted it on YouTube.  Wish I had been there! 
Here’s the video’s description from YouTube:
Caught this right after she did a summersault on the bar and right before the man she was with pulled out her titty to kiss it (I missed that mess). She is drunk, but definitely must’ve been a gymnast, she’s in shape still. This is at Will Call Sports Bar in Miami after the Heat game.

 Thank God for cell phone cameras!  Imagine all of the wild and crazy shit we missed during the 80's and 90's that could have been posted on YouTube...It boggles the mind!

Anyway, that was nice and she is in shape.  Now, go out and choke in game 7 Miami!!!  Maybe we will get a hottie in Indiana (Are there hotties in Indiana?) to do the same thing.

My Idiot Cousin

This event actually happened when I was in college.  I actually posted it way back when I had a MySpace page (Remember MySpace?)  I am re-posting it for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy!

I have this cousin, nice guy, but sometimes he is a little stupid. Anyway, he came to visit us this weekend and we all went out. Last night we all were partying and got pretty messed up. He actually separates from us and goes with this girl. I heard him come home at about 4 AM. This morning, he comes out to eat breakfast and his hand is all orange. I ask what the fuck is the matter and the rest are his words:

"Well I'm not going to say what I did but It was some good stuff. This girl and I were messing around, but then her freakin parents come home. They had been to a wedding reception and she thought they were already home and in bed. So we had to stop and I snuck out. What we were doing, It made me extremely horny, and I had to ...well you know. There wasnt any getting around it, I HAD TOO! I race to your house and I can't stand it. So i went into the bathroom and grabbed some lotion, ran back into the guest bedroom. Everything was all good, and when all was said and done I took a shower went to sleep. Well I wake up today, and go to the bathroom. I look down at my hand, and the whole thing is bright orange! My fingernails and everything! So I go to the bathroom and look at the lotion and it was freakin self tanner! So now two parts of my body are bright, bright, bright orange!!!!! I tried to scrub it off but I can't. I guess that I just have to let it wear off. I am so embarrased! And I have to go home to my parents in a couple hours. I have no clue what I am going to tell them."

Just to clarify the only reason I'm telling everyone about this is because it was so freaking funny, I was laughing for an hour. He ended up using the tanning lotion that we had. His lower stomach and his dick and balls are orange. It is hilarious. He is 19, but still lives with his parents. I cant wait to see their reaction and hear his excuse!!!

Tig 'Ol Bitties!

OMG - Talk About Your Nasty Bitches!

Really?  Why would someone post this?  Some people are just stupid!

Interesting Take on the Whole Gay/Lesbian Marriage Thing

They have a valid point...

Interesting News Articles

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

OH NOOO! I Hope He Doesn't Die!

Found this on my hard drive.  This was posted on my old blog I had in the late 90's (I don't even think it was called a blog back then).  This event happened to me while I was living in Austin, Texas:

The outgoing greeting on my answering machine is the pre-recorded "Please leave a message, after the tone. Beeeeeeep" because I'm a lazy guy. I had a message on my answering machine when I got home tonight. Assume what sounds to me to be a Korean, maybe Chinese accent.

"Yes. This is Dr. Joseph (No clue on the last name). Uh, I got your test results back. I, uh…need to talk to you about them as soon as possible. Actually, it is urgent.  Call me…on my cell phone tonight or at the office. We need to talk."

No cell number, no work number, "Private number" on the Caller ID and no clear last name to go by due to a combination of cell phone static and a heavy accent.  Tried the star 69 thing and it didn't work. 

Sure hope the poor guy he's looking for doesn't croak before deciding to call the doctor and check his results. 

The Ivy League Hustle (I Went to Princeton, Bitch)

Peer Pressure by Sam Macaroni

Catchy Music video:  Peer Pressure (feat. Davin Dell'osa) -- Sam Macaroni is the main rapper.  


Overheard at Jordan Creek Mall

I was standing in line at the food court and a group of girls, probably in their early 20's were talking in front of me.  This is how it went:

Girl: Look at my hand
Friends: Oh my god. It looks awful.
Girl: Yeah the doctor said I should wrap it but I didn’t want to because I have class.
Friends: Oh ok.
Girl: Yeah so my boyfriend was looking at the stove after it set fire and he was like “Do you know there is a fire extinguisher under here?” I said I had no idea.
Friends: So how did the fire start?
Girl: We were just cooking vegetables and they caught on fire. We tried pouring water on the fire but it just spread and went EVERYWHERE. Now I have second degree burns covering my whole hand.
(I see the girl’s mangeled hand.)
Me: I am guessing you were using cooking oil and it started on fire and you tried to put it out with water.
Girl: Yeah. I guess you’re not supposed to do that. Who would have thought that was common knowledge!

I just had to shake my head and chuckle.  WOW!!

Even The Amish Break the Law

A friend sent me this.  Thought it was pretty funny.  Not because of the hair and beards, but you just don't think of the Amish as people you would see in mug shots.  Jebediah and Mordecai don't look very happy!  

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

She Would Be A Cool Girlfriend!

Not only does this girl play video games, but she plays them topless!  I'm sure that there are alot of girls out there who don't see the big deal, but this is pretty much what every guy is looking for in a woman.   

As for me, I would probably be a little too distracted to focus on the game.  

Magic Trick Fail!

I bet their parents were pissed off!

The Perfect Pass and Scissors Kick

Atletico Madrid's Falcao's  scores on a perfect scissor kick  against America de Cali in Colombia.  You better like the pass by Diego off the corner kick as well.  Perfection!   

Terrifying Tuesdays - Catheter...Need I say more?

Seriously!!!  This is just disgusting!  Why would you wear shorts with your catheter on your leg for the whole world to see.  Of course, she is at Wal Mart.  That explains it. 

But seriously, What if someone like me, who likes to do Shopping Cart Skateboarding, accidentally runs into you and it pops?   Excuse me while I gag! 

What People Think About While at Yoga Class

Terrifying Tuesday -- Scary Facts

A Friend sent me this, thought I would pass it on:

FACT: The Classic Mayan civilization thrived for over 600 years before collapsing abruptly in the ninth century. The cause of their extinction is unknown, and still debated today, more than 1,100 years later.

      The debaters; nerds with nothing better to do.

FACT: Jaundice is a common condition that occurs in about 60 percent of newborn babies, but one that can indicate kernicterus, a devastating brain ailment.

      Ever hear the Old West legend of Jaundiced Jake? Probably not – he was yella.
FACT: When a Culpepper, Virginia woman was raped and murdered in 1982, suspect Earl Washington confessed to that crime and four others. Though Washington was shown to have an IQ of 69, and the court found his confessions dubious, he was sentenced to death for the Virginia murder. Washington was exonerated by DNA evidence in 2000 and released from prison.

      The first seeds of doubt were planted when Washington claimed that he killed the radio star. Everybody knows video was behind that.

FACT: During the 1983 electrocution of convicted killer John Evans in Alabama, smoke and sparks emerged from his hood and leg electrodes, one of which caught on fire. When physicians found Evans’ heart still beating, he was given a second jolt, which also did not kill him. A third jolt of electricity finally did the job, but left his body charred and smoldering. The execution lasted a total of fourteen minutes.
      Isn’t everyone supposed to get fifteen minutes of flame? Evans got shorted.
FACT: In 2008, Tanzanian witch doctors sanctioned a series of murders in which at least twenty-nine albino children were hacked to death for their body parts, believed by local customs to bring good luck.
     Because being an albino didn’t suck enough already.
FACT: In 2009, a twenty-six-year-old mother in North Dakota faced child neglect charges for drunkenly breast-feeding her infant. Police witnessed the incident while responding to a domestic abuse call at the home of the woman, who they say was “extremely intoxicated.” She was arrested because alcohol can pass from mother to child via breast milk.

     Local headlines: “Loaded Boob Charged With Loaded Boob” and “Lit Twit Hit For Unfit Tit.”

FACT: The Tri-State Tornado of 1925 was the deadliest in American history, killing almost 700 people across Illinois, Indiana, and Missouri. It also had the longest duration of any tornado before or since, taking almost 3½ hours to cut a record 219-mile path of destruction.

   Sounds like my grandma driving to the beauty shop.

FACT: Scientists have discovered evidence of an asteroid collision 3½ billion years ago that likely created a massive tsunami which swept around the Earth several times, flooding everything except the highest mountains and wiping out nearly all life on land.

    So just about the time you get your cave dried out and re-draw all those stick figures on the wall, here comes the motherfucker again.

FACT: The newborn mortality rate is in America is more than twice that of Finland, Iceland, or Norway. The only developed country in the world where the newborn death rate surpasses the United States is Latvia.
     You can’t really blame anyone for not wanting to be born Latvian.

FACT: When blonde hair became fashionable in ancient Rome, thousands of Nordic blondes were captured or slain by Roman soldiers so that their hair could be used for wigs.
     Must've been before blondes started having more fun.

FACT: One 17th century treatment for acne: chop the heads off two puppies, hang them by their heels to bleed, mix the collected blood with white wine and apply the concoction to the face. A similar serum of “Dog’s Blood” was also once considered an effective treatment for tuberculosis.

     Who came up with this treatment, a cat?

FACT: The IOM also estimates that 50 percent of bad reactions to medicine result from errors in how they are administered. Common causes for these errors, are “environmental factors such as lighting, heat, noise, and interruptions that can distract health professionals from their medical tasks,” say The American Hospital Association.

     Lighting? Heat? Noise? At least they aren’t easily distracted. “Hey, doc, will it throw you off if I blink?”

FACT: Research shows that the average American has one more hour of free time every day than he did in 1965, but spends 40 percent less time with his children now.

     That’s why they call it free time.


Monday, May 21, 2012

More Signs that Justin Bieber Just Ain't Right

So Bieber went to the Lakers Playoff game this last weekend with his girlie, Selena Gomez.  She was totally into it.  She was screaming, cheering, and being the wild and rowdy fan that most guys are, while Bieber was just bored.  He hardly showed any emotion and looked as though he couldn't care less.  Here is the proof:

Justin, you are a dork!!! People would die for those tickets, and you could care less.  
As for Selena, I have decided that she is marrying material (for a real man!)  Seriously, what guy doesn't want a girlfriend or wife to be totally into sports?  (Other than Justin Bieber!)  

My advice to Selena, dump the douche bag and find someone better.  I know I am too old for you, but I have some cousins and nephews I could set you up with!  

Honest Trailer for The Transformers

A little dated, but hilarious nonetheless! An "Honest" Movie Trailer for The Transformers

What Alcohol Tells Us to Do

They got their gas disconnected, so they improvise...

Living the Hillbilly Life!

This Sucks!

What a Joke!

Too Hot, Too Cold, Just Right

This was my night!  I couldn't get comfy until I just had the one foot covered up!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Most F$@#ed Up Cheaters Moment Ever!


Kevin Garnett Makes Free Throws, Despite This...

10 Things That Don't Make Sense

Leave it to the Hillbillies and Rednecks

Opening a beer bottle with a chainsaw.  Only a redneck would have thought of this!

Anchorman 2 Trailer

Anchorman 2 Trailer is out.  Looks like another great Will Ferrell Movie!

Spongebob and McDonalds - A Winning Combination in Asia!

This maybe one of the most annoying commercials I have ever seen, No matter what language it is in!
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