Saturday, June 23, 2012

E.T. Dildo

OK, OK, it really isn't a dildo, but it sure looks like one.  And let's be honest, I bet this kids toy (for ages 4 and over)  has been used as a dildo many, many times buy some mothers or older sisters who found it in their sons or brother's rooms.  I know that sounds disgusting, but I am being realistic.  If it looks like a dildo, someone can use it as a dildo.

Our Readers -- Cheryl from Texas With Big Boobs!

This picture was sent to us by Cheryl, who lives in Austin, Texas.  Austin is my hometown and Matt's former home.  Cheryl sent this one and claims that one of us knows who she is.  Problem is, this is the only picture she sent.  No face!  (not that I am complaining.  We love the picture and the Texas necklace is a nice touch) Anyway, she is giving us a week to figure out who she is.  She claims Cheryl is her real name and we have met several times.

Personally, I think I would remember Boobs like those.  Maybe she knows Matt.  I hope it isn't a girl I slept with because that would be a little embarrassing.

Cheryl, we accept your challenge!

--Enrique Santos

Nickelodeon is Hiring "Rapers"

Apparently Nickelodeon (Nick) TV is now hiring child actors who are also "Rapers".  Nick TV is a Children's TV Network.  Way to go Nickelodeon!

OK, OK, Maybe he isn't a "Raper" but a "Rapper".  Which means Nick is hiring kids who really should still be in school learning to spell rather than missing class due to acting.  

And Why The Hell Does this little kid need an okcupid account? 

This Can't Be Safe! Breastfeeding on a Motorcycle

I know a fussy baby is a pain and you have to feed them, but couldn't you have at least stopped!

Top Party Schools of the Last Decade

...and my alma mater, The University of Texas made the list!  Hook 'em Horns!!!

I Am in Love With a Polish Hottie!

If anyone in Poland knows this Beauty that was spotted at Euro 2012, let me know. I am in Love (for about the 7th time this week!)

--Enrique Santos

An Un-Forgeable Signature?

If there is a signature that is unlikely to ever be forged, this may be it

11 Hotties and 1 Guy

If it were me, I would be sitting right in the middle of them, being the life of the party.  But this guy:

The Guy Must Be Blogging!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Beer Fetching Baby - That's My Kind of Kid!

This guy has it down.  He taught his baby girl how to go to the fridge and fetch him a beer.  Awww, the reasons we have kids!

Abortion = Murder, Blowjob = Cannibalism

Leave it to the Ultra-Extreme Activists to make this comparison!

It's so Hot, Even Dogs are Melting!

It is so freakin' hot here in Austin that the dogs are starting to melt!
--Enrique Santos

Free Advice Friday - How to Have a Successful IT Job Interview

You Know This Questions is going to come up.  Here is your answer!

WTF is This Guy Doing?

Weird!  This guy is either:
A.  John Travolta's new boyfriend
B.  What Russell Brand would have looked like if he stayed married to Katy Perry (You know they say spouses start looking alike after the years)
C.  What Snooki's baby will look like when he grows up!

Which one is the right answer?  Leave your guess as a comment!

Roger Clemens' Plaque at Yankee Stadium's Monument Park

Strange Moment!

I had a strange moment earlier this week. It was really kind of like a Twilight Zone episdoe or something. 

I was turning left to get home from work after having gone downtown for a couple of errands.  There was a car coming from the opposite direction, so I was just waiting for it to pass by so I could make my turn. The car passed on by and I was ready to turn.  Then, I hesitated. I had the strangest feeling come over me.  I felt as if  there was a car coming and that if I turned then, it would crash right into me. I looked all around but I did not see any car.  I started to turn cautiously, all the while scanning all of the directions, but I never saw a car.  As I was turning, I was all tense - as if I was bracing for the impact of the crash.  I didn't relax until I had completed the turn, a turn that felt like it took a minute!

So what was that?  What happened?  I can't explain it.  A friend said he thought there was a car in an alternate universe and it somehow jumped over into my conscious thinking.  A girl told me that I was probably feeling the echo effect from someone else who previously crashed in that intersection.  Another girl said something similar, saying it was a ghost of someone who may have died in a crash there.   

Whatever it was, it was Creepy!  Have you ever had something like that happen to you?

Mastubation Shake Weight Prank

I know what I am doing downtown at the Farmer's Market!  Hilarious!

Best TV News Bloopers of The First Half of 2012

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Dutch Soccer Commercial

Dutch soccer players Van Wolfswinkel & Huntelaar in one of those all too familiar Nike Soccer Commercials.  This one has to be fake!!!

Anatomy of a Hangover

Something to think about before going out tonight and getting ShitFaced!

Thank God (in advance) For All The Women Who Will Be Drinking This Weekend!

The weekend starts tonight for me!  I have some friends coming to Austin who I haven't seen in years.  We are going to relive our glorious college days (Maybe I should rephrase that to say "Glorious College Nights" because we slept off the beer during most of the day!)  We have several parties to attend and will probably be hitting 6th street every night as well.  I just want to say "God Bless all the Hotties Who Will Be Drinking This Weekend".

--Enrique Santos

Padres Ball Girl Lisa Should Get Drafted - HUBBA HUBBA!!!

The San Diego Padres haven't been too good this year, but their shining star is Lisa!  Lisa is their ball girl and she made an incredible catch during the Padre's game yesterday. Hell, She is better than most of the guys on the team, so I say "Sign Her Up!"  What do you have to lose?  Besides, Lisa is kind of Hot!!!

You can tell how bad the Padre's season is going when the announcers focus on the ball girl more than the team.

Homemade Backyard Waterslide

This family made a fully functional backyard waterslide with a loop in it.  Pretty Cool!!!

This Was One Wild Flight!

El Alto International Airport, Bolivia
As I stated awhile back, I am a world traveler. I love to travel and have been all over the world. Most of my traveling was done in the 1990's and I kept journals and word documents of my adventures. I had a blog before there were blogs in the late 90's in which I wrote funny little stories and also shared my life and travel experiences. From time to time, I will share those old stories with you. I hope you are entertained and enjoy them. I know I enjoyed living them!

This one is about a Crazy flight I had from Mexico City to La Paz, Bolivia.  The flight itself was painless. It was on time, direct and my luggage arrived intact and unscathed (these are three things that rarely seem to happen when flying to Bolivia.)  So why was it so crazy and wild?  You are about to find out dear reader!

Let's go back before the flight even began.  Before I boarded the plane, the woman in front of me gets into an argument with the flight attendant about gate checking her bag. She won’t do it, and he insists that she has to or she will not fly, PERIOD!!   A tense stand-off begins with wild-eyed stares, shaking of fingers and some wild head shaking.   Then, her friend enters the conversation.  Things quickly get heated between the two so-called friends.   Then, all of a sudden, I hear cussing of epic proportions in Spanish.  I see the police coming and the lady decides to wise up.  She finally agrees to check in her oversized bag.  The guy behind the desk gives a nod to the cops and they return to their seats (and back to taking a snooze).   The rest of the wait is rather uneventful.

They call for us to get on the plane.  I always like to wait until I am one of the last ones on - I hate standing in the aisle while people struggle to put up their luggage.  I find my seat, 21A.  To my horror, I see that I am sitting directly in front of temper tantrum lady.  To make matters worse, she has two kids with her that seem to have one mode only-wired and extra loud!!!  I settle in, knowing this could be a long, long flight!

We take off. The man in front of me and his wife also have a baby and this dude is louder than the all the crying babies on this plane combined (Believe me, it seemed like there were at least 15 babies crying their lungs out.)  I try to zone it all out and find that it is kind of working.  I feel as though I may drift off to sleep.

After about 30 minutes, the loudmouth in front of me goes to the bathroom ( I am seated about 3 rows in front of the back bathroom), he rips open the door only to find a 70-something señora already in there.  The lady hadn't locked the door.  I was half asleep, but after the lady screams at the sight of a man watching her pee, I am jolted to full awaken-ness.  The dude goes back to sit down in front of me, red with embarrassment.  The old lady stops to yell at the man on the way back to her seat.  She throws in a couple cuss words for good measure.  The guy says (in spanish) "Lady, you need to relax.  You are jst a campesina.  Go back and sit down."  Everyone kind of gets big-eyed and you can hear a few people go Ooooh and Ahhh.  Even I knew that you should not call an angry Hispanic woman a Campesina.  What happened next was pure chaos.  Wish they had Cellphones with cameras back then.  The lady loses it!  She goes into a rage, cursing the man and showering him and the people sitting next to him in spit!  Luckily, I was out of her spit-path.  I am not joking when I tell you that it took a couple flight attendants 5 or 6 minutes to get her back to her seat.  WOW!!!!!  

I am next to the window and there are two more seats before the aisle.  The lady next to me all of a sudden starts crying!  I find out that she is going home to attend the funeral of her sister.  She talks about how rough it has been living in Mexico City, especially since her kids and her grandchild lives in Los Angeles.  She cries and cries.  I am terrible in these situations and really don't know what to do.  I pat her on the shoulder and tell her I am sorry.  The idiot sitting on the aisle, a 19 year old foreign exchange student flying back to Bolivia to visit his family, pulls out a bottle of rum from his pack and offers drinks to us all.  His friend is sitting across the aisle from him.  I can see a bottle of tequila and another bottle of Rum in his backpack.  I decline a drink and try to go back to my semi-conscious state.

I would say the next 15 or 20 minutes is pretty quiet.  I am back in my "Almost-sleep" mode.  Then, all of a sudden the plane lurches about, then enters a free fall for what seems like 20 or 30 seconds.  TURBULENCE!!!  I Hate it!  This works everyone up.  The lady starts crying again, the man in front starts ranting about airplanes, children start crying and screaming.  I just want to scream "SHUT UP!", but refrain because I doubt anyone would hear me anyway.   The flight attendant saunters over and offers to buy me some drinks. When I decline,  she offers (with a wink) to show me La Paz. She asks if I live in the US and if I am single.  Now, at the time I was single, but this flight attendant was not my type.  She was a little hefty and had a freakishly big nose for such a small face.  I politely refused her offer of guiding me around the city.  She was not very happy and told me in broken english "You Blew It MEESTER!!"  The 19 year old just shakes his head and says "You could of had that!  What were you thinking?"  I try to explain that she wasn't my type, then shrug it off and tell him I am actually married (when traveling, this is always the easiest way to get rid of someone from the opposite sex).

Another 10 or 15 minutes of peace and tranquility until I am poked in the thigh by a shoe.  I open my eyes to find that the grandmother that was crying minutes ago is now making out with the 19 year old guy that was offering me rum earlier.  And then the woman next to me starts making out with the kid to her right. You read that right:  she is a grandma and he is 19!!!   The grandma is probably about 50, albeit a youthful looking 50.  This is when I pulled out my journal and started writing this entry down.  This was just way to crazy to pass up.  I had to include this stuff.  

Anyway, we go through a couple of more sections of turbulence, scaring the crap out of everybody.  As we are descending to La Paz, there is nothing but silence.  I see people saying "Hail Mary's" and making the cross signs.  Everyone looks scared out of their mines.  When we safely land, the whole cabin breaks out in a loud and raucous applause.  The teen that was making out with the grandma starts offering everyone Tequila (he, the grandma and two others went through both bottles of Rum!)   Before we even taxi to the gate, everyone is up and getting down their carry-ons, elbowing each other and jostling for space.  

We all say our goodbyes, the teen and the grandma exchange numbers and one more slimy kiss, the guy in front of me apologizes to the "Campesina" who tries to slap him, but he pulled back and she misses by two feet, the cranky lady behind me rips a huge fart as she gets up (I have no idea what she ate, but MY GOD it was one of the nastiest smells ever!) and the 15 babies start crying again.  My only thought is: THANK GOD I AM IN LA PAZ!!!  NOW GET ME OFF THIS FREAKIN' PLANE!

Heavy Metal

The Pizza Bitch!

Went over to a  my buddy Chase's house last night to watch a movie.  He had a friend over there who was kind of hot, and single!  She also had an attitude.  She wanted to pick the movie and bitched and complained until we all caved in just to shut her up.  We ended up watching "How to Lose a Guy in 10 days".  Stupid movie, but it does have Kate Hudson in it and she is easy on the eyes, so it wasn't all that bad.

I really started talking Lisa up since Chase said she was single and a wild one.  Things were going pretty good.  She was sitting next to me and I was beginning to like my chances.

About 30 minutes into the movie, we decided we wanted to order some food.  Chase and I were all for Pizza, she wanted Sushi.  We had already caved once, and we told her there was no way we would eat Sushi while watching a chick flick.  That was just too much.  Besides, we only had beer to drink and Sushi and beer just don't go good together.  When we told her this, she got all pissy and told us she refused to eat any pizza tonight and would be going for sushi as soon as the movie was over.

Whatever...her attitude was beginning to wear on me and I was starting to lose interest.  Then she asked if I would go with her for some sushi later and we could eat at her place!  Of course I am going to say yes to that!

Fast Forward to the arrival of the pizza.  The guy delivers it and Chase sets it on the table for us.  He was on the phone so he goes back to his room to talk and I hit the head to drain the 4 bottles of beer I had already drank.  I hear Chase shout "WHAT THE HELL!" just as I was coming out of the bathroom.  It seems that Lisa decided to take a slice of pizza and cut it out herself, just to piss us off.  This is how she cut it:

It might not seem like a big deal, but for a guy, this is a major no-no.  You cannot divide the pizza evenly anymore and we both are not big crust lovers.  This girl took a slice out of the middle!  Chase ended up calling her the "Pizza Bitch" and they got into a big ol' screaming match.  She stormed out of the house.  

I thought I would never see her again and we sat down to eat our misshapen pizza.  About 30 minutes later, Chase got a phone call and said it was for me.  It was the Pizza Bitch, wanting to know if I still wanted some Sushi.  I didn't, but I am man and she was fairly hot, so I lied and said yes.  Chase just stared at me and stated "How could you go meet that Bitch! She is so selfish and acts like a spoiled brat!"

I just smiled and said "She may be a bitch and selfish and spoiled, but she still is a hottie!"

And with that, I was gone. 

--Enrique Santos

Fishing Spear Through The Head - And He Survives!

That is the X-Ray of 16-year-old Yasser López, a Florida Resident. Yasser was accidentally shot in the head, above the right eye, and to the rear of his skull by a fishing spear.

"At Miami’s Jackson Memorial Hospital, doctors used a rebarb cutting tool to shorten the length of the spear, so López’s head could fit into the CT Scan."

"The most important thing is to resist that temptation to pull the thing out," Dr. Ross Bullock of Miami’s Jackson Memorial Hospital said, because simply pulling out the spear the way it came in is almost always fatal. "It was possible for us to figure out a strategy during the operation to be able to unscrew the tip of the spear, instead of having to get this whole spear dragged out through his brain." 

Doctors said he should make a full recovery and that he has no memory of the spearfishing event. "He woke up with a spear in his head," said Bullock. "He probably won't ever regain those memories."

My guess is that him not remembering the event is a good thing.  If I was him, I wouldn't want to dwell on it and get my memory back of that event.  Just thinking about it is painful!!!

On the other hand, Yasser needs to get that framed.  What a conversation piece...

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Is It Just Me Or Is Britney Spears Turning into Courtney Love?

Look at this pic!  The once Hot Britney Spears just keeps disintegrating before our eyes.  I am starting to see a resemblance between her and the mess that is Courtney Love.  Remember Courtney Love was once kind of hot too!
Britney Spears This Week
Some Pics of Britney back in the Day when she was Smokin' Hot!!!

Courtney Love Then and Now:

There are Jobs, You just have to be Creative!

What A Trillion Dollars Looks Like

Ever wonder what a Trillion Dollars looks like?  With the nation's deficit spiraling out of control, we should probably try to grasp what a Trillion Bucks looks like.  It truly is mind-numbing.  The graphics at this site make things extremely clear.

And how big are our projected deficits for the next decade?

Our Favorite Bikinis

We have been running a segment on this blog showcasing some of our favorite bikini's.  What makes us qualified to judge bikinis?  We are not fashion gurus or anything, but we are a couple of guys who love to look at women in bikinis!  Between us, we have seen thousands of bikinis, so that makes us qualified.
Besides, it gives us an excuse to post pics of hotties in bikinis, DUH!!!

So far, we have the Bow-Tie Bikini and my favorite, the Shiny Purple Teeny Bikini.  We also have a montage of Kelly Kelly in various bikinis.  I think every bikini she wears is great!

After much debate and scouring over hundreds of bikini pics, we have chosen this bikini as our next entry into Our Favorite Bikinis!
I have no idea what it is called or how to describe it, but it looks cool and the girl is Hot, so it meets our qualifications!  Let us know what you think.  And if you could come up with a name for it, leave that too!

Check out All of Our Other Favorite Bikinis


I can think of a few of my friends who need this.  I know this year's Christmas Gifts for a bunch of my friends!

Women and Mixed Signals

Women are so complicated and hard to understand!

Rednecks Quiz the Yankees

Submitted to me by Greg Johnston of Oxford, Mississippi

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons
of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM.  The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.  The plot is 2.3 acres in size.  The average tree diameter is 14 inches.  How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5 A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation.  The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.  The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.  When the porch collapses, how many coon dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.  The man has five children.  Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH.  The brakes fail.  Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike avehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's
okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...
There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them. Cheaper than a cab!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Global Warming?

Maybe!  Look at the temps for tomorrow!  Wow!  The whole country looks like the gateway to Hell!
Well, except for San Fran, L.A. and San Diego!
114 in Vegas and 111 in Phoenix!  Red and pink over 3 quarters of the country.  I bet Al Gore is loving this.

Kate Upton Graces GQ Magazine

GQ is out today and the beautiful Kate Upton is on the cover!  And inside too!  I am going to spend the evening looking over the magazine, and over, and over.  I may even read the articles!

Here are some pics from the photo shoot:

And here is a video of the shoot!  Hot, Hot, Hot!!!

Kate is a favorite of this blog!  We love her.  Be sure to check out our other Kate Upton Posts:

Kate Upton as the Easter Bunny
Kate Upton doing the Cat Daddy Dance
Kate as a Sexy Nun
Kate in one of the Sexiest GIFs ever
Kate in another Sexy GIF
Kate Upton Birthday Post

Lil' Kim, Here I Come

Tonight, I am going to see Rapper Lil' Kim at Emo's here in Austin. I am not a huge rap fan.  I listen to it from time to time and have nothing against it.  When I am at the clubs or a party, I love to dance to rap.  I am not a huge Lil' Kim fan either.   So why am I going?  A Hottie Friend of mine had an extra ticket and asked me if I wanted to go with her and her friends.  This was a no-brainer.  There is a group of 8 going, 6 girls and only 2 guys!  I like the odds.

Getting back to Lil' Kim, She used to be a decent looking chick with a big booty.  I can honestly say I would have hit her 7 or 8 years ago.  I bet she is a freak in bed.

I just found this pic of her taken last week at some show/event in Los Angeles.  Check it out:

WHOA!!!  What happened to Lil' Kim?  She is turning into Michael Jackson or what?  Forget the fact that she has gotten a little chunkier (she always was "Big Boned"), but her face is looking, well...synthetic!  She looks like a mess.

Her face looks like it was molded out of rubber or plastic and her fake lashes look like something she plunked out of a bird.   The Face Paint job looks like something my daughter could apply. Her smile is all crooked and the clothes she is wearing looks like Morticia from the Addams Family meets Michael Jackson, with a touch of stripper thrown in!

This is the Lil' Kim I was hoping I would see tonight:

Terrifying Tuesday -- Scary and Disturbing


I think this guy didn't get enough of the first and took way too many of the second!

A Fat Hairy Angel smoking a cigarrette in a towel with Goofy Slippers -- I guess anyone can become an angel nowadays. 

UH...Is that a towel stuffed in your booty??

What Kind of school has assemblies like this one??  Must be Obama's new strategy to keep kids in school (At least the boys).
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