I Posted this a couple of years ago on my old blog. I figure now is as good as time as any to repost it. I am not even sure where I got them all. I found them on several websites and kind of personalized them. Enjoy!!!
I know I have some time before my daughter actually starts dating (she is only 8), but I figured I better get a jump on things and start making my dating rules list for would-be suitors. This is just a rough draft:
Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Come in and face me like a man!
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. (We just got the movie "Machete" - I will be taking notes!)
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that the world can see your boxers. I think this is stupid and I hope the style changes before my daughter starts dating. If it doesn't, I propose a compromise to these loose pants wearing idiots: You can come to the door with your underwear showing but I want to make sure your pants stay on during your date with my daughter. Therefore, I reserve the right to use my high-powered staple gun to fasten your pants directly to your waist. Don't worry, I will sterilize the staples so no infection occurs. And the staples better still be there when you drop my daughter off.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
You may come over and try to make small talk with me while waiting for my daughter. You probably think it is the polite thing to do and makes you seem friendly if you talk about sports or politics, etc. Let me save you some breath. Don't talk to me. I only want to hear "Yes, sir", "No, Sir" and "We will be home early" coming from your lips. I do not care about anything else you have to say!
Rule Six:
Once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry (and hurt!)
Rule Seven:
While waiting around for my daughter to come (remember, make-up and hair takes along time), I would suggest that you do something useful, such as clean my garage or wash the dishes. This will score you some major points!
Rule Eight:
The following places are strictly prohibited for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, love seats, bean bags, etc. It has to have single seat chairs or don't even think about taking her there. Places that are not supervised by parents, policemen, nuns or other responsible adults. Places that are dark (movie theaters are OK as long as you tell me where and which movie you are seeing and the time - Chance are I will get the urge to see the same movie at the same time but don't worry, it will be just a coincidence.) Warm or hot places are off-limits as well, as my Daughter will want to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, etc. Take her only to places where sweaters, jackets, gloves, long pants, etc. are required. Ice Skating or a Hockey game come to mind.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may seem like a balding, slightly overweight, middle-aged man, but when it comes to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one and only one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a handgun, a shovel, and we live right on the edge of town, close to acres and acres of woods and fields. Do not test me!!!
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. I like to clean my guns on weekend nights. Usually after 10 or 11 PM. Since that will be the time you are bringing my daughter home, you need to be very, very careful. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Go to my daughter's side of the car and open the door for her. Speak very clearly that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. I will be in no mood to talk. And if you don't recognize that guy standing at the front door, that is just me, with my camouflaged face. Don't be alarmed. Just get in your car and drive away.
