You may wonder how exactly I became such a manly man. How could a guy like me reach the pinncacle of manliness? Let me assure you that manhood is not something you are born into, and can take a lifetime to fully realize. There are a lot of guys that are born male, but never actually make it to manhood. Having chest hair that looks like steel wool and six-pack abs are big pluses (I used to have both, now I just got the hair, but I know the abs are still under there somewhere) but the true essence of manhood lies deep inside of the male species, you just have to get it out.
If you wish one day to join me within the ranks of true men, then heed my advice. In order for you to understand what makes a man, let me walk you through one of my typical days. I will illustrate every important thing that I do which enhances my manliness.
My mornings begin before dawn. I rise in my bed, survey my manly kingdom and then greet the sun with a stretch, a yawn and a hardy grunt. If this is not your normal routine, then you are already lacking in the manhood department, especially if you don't do the grunt. The grunt is essengial and separates the men from the boys.
After waking, I leap from from my bed and land with a THUD on the floor. The thud is a personal touch of mine, and is strictly optional, but it helps convey manliness when others hear it. I used to sleep in a hammock, but my wife isn't comfortable in a hammock so I had to switch to a kingsize bed, but rest assured that my side of the bed is very spartan and basic -- she has the satin sheets, I sleep with an old wool blanket and a pillow made of sawdust. For the single guys, the hammock is a must. Lumberjacks, woodsmen, and trappers all sleep in hammocks, and are all real men. I doubt Paul Bunyon or Grizzley Adams would have ever slept in some lace fringed bed with silk sheets.
Breakfast has to be filling, as it prepares us for our manly day. Sausage, bacon, pancakes and milk are a good breakfast. Never eat "wimpy" food such as croissants, bagels, French Toast (when have you seen a manly Frenchman?) or pancakes with fruit on them.
After breakfast, a man begins the all important ritual of washing up. The man always flosses and brushes. Then mouthwash is used to get that manly breath. DO NOT USE SCOPE OR CREST MOUTHWASH!!! The only acceptable mouthwash is paint thinner, but you can start with swigs of rubbing alcohol if needed. You may ask whether a person's breath could possibly be acceptable after such treatment, which brings to mind another important point. Many pretenders to the throne of manhood insist on wearing some kind of musk or cologne. Screw that!!! Do not try to artificially enhance your smell. Only ladies smell pleasant. Men should always smell like abrasive chemicals, sweat or, if possible, smoke (not cigarrette smoke, but real smoke). Generally, standing near or upon burning things is an excellent way of acquiring an adequately manly smell that will announce your presence in any room or gathering.
As for bathing, let me insist that bathing is out of the question. Real men do not take baths! As for showering, you have to take a man-shower. What is a man shower? Firstly, the shower must have only two temperature settings: metal-liquifyingly hot or nitrogen-freezingly cold. Such temperature is crucial for building the super thick man-hide that will eventually replace all of your skin. Secondly, no gentle trickle of water should flow from your shower head. Instead, be sure that your shower is pressurized well beyond what you are able to endure. To make sure that your shower stream is strong enough, give your shower this test: tear a door from your car or truck, and hold that door beneath the shower. If the paint on the door peals or, better yet, is stripped completely off, then your shower pressure is adequate. Finally, no shampoo, conditioner, or fancy smelling bar soap should be present in your shower. Lye or some simple, cheap, homemade, odorless bar of soap is sufficient for both washing and shampooing.
Now, you are ready to get dressed in manly clothes. You need to wear jeans, a flannel shirt, and Red Wing Boots. Either an old cowboy hat or baseball cap is acceptable headwear, but make sure they have sweat stains and dirt worn into the hat.
Then it is off to work in your pick-up truck. While at work, make sure you grunt and hoo-haw at least once every 10 minutes. What is a manly job you ask? I would suggest Fencing. I'm not talking about poking extra long toothpicks at men wearing too much protective gear; I'm talking about building fences. Fencing things off is about as manly as it gets. Another manly occupation is a cowboy. Living in the outdoors, riding horses, wearing chaps, boots and sweat stained cowboy hats -- You can't get much manlier than that. And most cowboys also build and mend fences.
As for after-work manly activities -- That is a whole 'nother post. Let's just say that your night activities should consist of barbecue, beverages and several beauties. More on that at a later date.
I hope my advice is helpful and starts you on your path to manhood. Manliness is not a trait that we can all achieve. If my advice is over your head or too hard for you to do, don't worry -- Not everyone can be manly like me and my buddies. It takes time and patience. some will never achieve it, others will eventually reach the manhood plateau. GOOD LUCK and MAY YOU FIND TRUE MANLINESS!!!!!
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