Saturday, August 25, 2012

Kansas City Chiefs QB Matt Cassel - Embarrassing!!

But not as embarrassing as former Iowa Hawkeye QB Ricky Stanzi!
We can call this one a Touchdown celebration Fail!!!

Five Milf Hill - A Vacation Destination

If you ever go to Grand Haven, Michigan, be sure to go to FIVE MILF HILL!  It actually overlooks Lake Michigan and is a cool spot.  Now, if they could just populate the hill with Five Real Life Milfs, it would be perfect!

After a Blowjob...There Can Be Some Delicate Problems!

I especially love the part with the Toothbrush!

Modern Art...

Kate Upton May Not Get Many More Endorsement Gigs!

That is the beautiful Kate Upton, a favorite of this blog, at an event in which she was endorsing the new Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1.  Look closely at that picture!  Yes, you see the luscious Kate Upton, but what is that next to her?  

Why yes, that is her Apple IPhone sitting there next to her incredibly sexy legs.  

Kate, next time you endorse something, make sure not to bring the competitor's product! 

On another note:  Kate, we haven't heard back from you on our offer for you to become the official Spokeswoman of "Ramblings of a Semi-Madman"  The offer still stand.  You could even talk about another blog, as long as you come to Iowa!  

Katy Perry Showing Off Her Boobs...Again!

Seriously, what is up with Katy Perry and her love of showing the world her tits?  She is making it a habit.  I am not complaining because they are beautiful.  My problem is that she flashes her boobs to the world, but she is all coy about it.  She acts like she doesn't know the cameras are flashing because of her low cleavage or hint of sideboob.

My advice to Katy -- Just own up to it and pose for Playboy!  That way we can see the whole boob and nothing but the boob!   

A Dumbass Cactus Grab!

This ranks right up there in the scale of Stupidity! The pain has to be unbelievable and it probably takes 4 or 5 hours to get all the spines out of his hand! What a Dumbass!!!

Happy Birthday - Blake Lively

Hottie Actress and model Blake Lively shares a birthday with Rocker Gene Simmons. The beautiful Blake turns 25 today!  My present is in the mail Blake!  Hope you like my "Birthday Photos"

Happy Birthday to Gene Simmons!

The crazy Kiss Rocker and entrepreneur with the long tongue turns 63 today!  WOW!  And he can still rock with the best of them.

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

Unscramble these words:


(1) Spine
(2) Lither
(3) Ginger
(4) Subtext

Al Roker - Frozen...

I saw this earlier this week, but forgot to post anything about it.  (What can I say, it has been a busy week!)

My question:  What kind of drugs is Al Roker taking?  Seriously!  Sometimes, he just seems to be in another world!  Remember when Al Roker Embarrassed himself?  Add this to the embarrassment files of Mr. Roker!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Hotties of Monster Energy Show of their Prizes!

The Hotties of The Monster Energy Street League Dime Squad Played with Their Pussies, Smooshed Cake, a ton of chash and had a Pillow Fight in order to 'demonstrate' the possible prizes available at the Street League 2012 Championship on ESPN2 at 5pm ET AUGUST 26th.

Since when did Skateboarding get all sexy?

Keith Lemon - The Film: Here is the TV Commercial for the Film that has been Banned!

Looks Hilarious!  Can't wait for this one to come out!

We already posted a teaser video of a scene from the film with the Beautiful Kelly Brook in Lingerie.

The video is slightly NSFW.  You have been warned!

Facts Presented by Babes - Part III

I could really care less if they were true facts.  Just enjoy...

Free Advice Friday - Chick Troubles

I received this email from a former student who is now in college.  Seems like "Maurice" (not real name - he asked that his identity be kept secret) is having some problems with his girlfriend and he is asking his favorite teacher for advice.  Hope this helps!!

Here is his email to me:
Yo Madman this is "Maurice"...your fav student like some blog advice if ya could manage havin some problems with my gf...but all the problems are her...i wanna make the relationship work cuz i really like this chick...weve been dating for over 4 months now...but shes hypocritical, picky, kinda self centered, has trouble controlling emotions, and she handled the 1 big fight we've had so far very immaturely.  These are all pretty rare occurrences but they still happen...i think she knows alot of her problems because theyve affected her past relationships but she hasnt changed how she is...idk if thats because none of them brought it up or if she doesnt want to take the time and effort to change.  im not the perfect bf...thats a fact...but i try to do what i can to think of her and do what would make her happy...and i know she really likes me cuz she said shes going to try and work on the anger stuff cuz thats all ive brought up so far and she wants this relationship to work too...i want to bring up all of this to her so we can get it all out...but shes recently come upon some very big family problems that i cant really go in to...but shes very upset and emotional right now and idk when would be the best time to bring it up and how i should bring it up...right now my plan is to bring it up this weekend when were up with my fam for my families christmas...just sometime before we go to sleep and were just chillin in bed ill be like "weve been having some trouble lately and i think something that would help would be if we take turns saying things that we think the other person needs to work on" ya know? just get everything out there that im thinking and then maybe learn some stuff that she thinks about too...if you have any suggestions or comments id be thrilled if you could blog or just e-mail back...either would be greatly appreaciated...thanks Madman...if you do blog about this please dont use my name because sometimes she reads your blog with me and prolly hits it up sometimes by maybe anonymous or a fake name would be super...thanks again!

My Response:

First off Maurice (I am going to go with MO for short), thanks for reading my blog and tell your girly Thanks too!  I appreciate it.  You both are very smart people :) 

As for your problem -- Looks like you have a pretty cool answer there yourself.  I think that could work, but I have a couple concerns:
     1.  You two aren't married and you talk of discussing the problem in bed while visiting your family for Christmas.  I know the parents of both of you and I doubt you two are going to be sharing the same bed in their house!  You may want to rethink that part of it. 
     2.  I wouldn't do it right before bed either.  If a big fight happens, then neither one of you will get any sleep.  This will be very bad.  Talk about it during the day and at a time when you will not be around your families for awhile (i.e. not right before dinner cuz they will probably know something is up if you just had a fight.  The other reason for not doing it right before bed - make-up nookie never occurs for at least 4 or 5 hours, so you would be talking 3 or 4 in the morning.  If you do get to sleep, I am not sure if you would want to wake up at that time.  That's just me though.
      3.  The whole timing thing maybe off.  I mean, do you really want to talk about this over the holidays?  This could ruin both of you guys' Christmases and it could make your families feel a little uncomfortable.  I suggest you do it ASAP and get it out in the open.  You have to share your feelings.  I would definitely do it before Thanksgiving.  WHY?  Easy answer to that one - Black Friday!!!  If you talk about this say Monday or Tuesday and you have a big fight and break up, then that is one less person you will be buying presents for on Friday after Thanksgiving.  You save some $$$ and time and you also won't ruin Christmas for everyone. 

Hopefully, it all works out.  You two are a cute couple and every time that I have seen you two together, you seem happy.  Let me know how it turns out and GOOD LUCK!!!

Cool Hot Sauce Names!

I think I am going for "Brand New Asshole"

Death is a Bitch!

Dealing with Teenagers

Of course it's not the appropriate way to deal with a teenager who talks back to you, but still, who among us has never thought of this?

A Derby High School sophomore said today that he was hit by a Taser and had his arm broken by two school resource officers for refusing to pull up his pants...

Jonathan Villarreal, 17, said he was walking with friends to the bus after school on Wednesday when one of the officers ordered him to pull up his pants. He told them he could wear them how he wanted because school was out, he said.

Why Running is Terrible

Sporting Lycra and wearing a number brings to mind one of two things:  Either a Spring Break Bikini Contest or Running an Marathon.  Personally, I would much rather witness the first option.  Actually, I think I would rather take place now-a-days in the first one also since running a marathon would probably bring about a premature end to this blogger.  I am sure I would pull a hamstring, have trouble breathing, suffer dehydration and probably end up dying from a Heartattack or stroke!  As for me participating in the Bikini contest, I probably wouldn't win and I would probably be embarrassed for awhile, but at least I would be alive!

Now I have ran half-marathons in the past.  There was a time I loved to run.  Believe it or not, I used to run up to 10 miles a week and Bike another 30-40 miles a week.  I actually used to be in pretty good shape!  I had 4-pack abs (Not quite a 6 pack).  I weighed about 160 lbs., which was perfect for me.  I had little body fat to speak of.  It was awesome!  What happened?  The married life with kids has done me in, although I wouldn't change that for the world!  I just don't have the time or energy to do what I did 10 years ago.  I used to spend almost 3 hours a day running, biking, playing sports, etc.  Now, I just don't have 3 hours a day to spare.

To make myself feel better for not running as much as I should, I have come up with a list of "Why Running is Terrible!"

1. Jogging really is a detriment to your health when you think about it.  Running around the neighborhood sucking up car exhaust while breathing heavily can cause health problems such as a stroke or cancer.  Think about it.
2. Runners do not look good when it is all over.  Watch a marathon or an olympic race.  Now look at the athletes' faces when it is done.  They look like someone who has food-poisoning and is about ready to barf up the Cow's testicles that they have just eaten.  Then, they collapse on the ground in a writhing painful lump in the middle of the road or on the track.  They look like a dog that has been hit by a car.
3. Jogging can be boring.  If you do not have an I-Pod and you do not have a creative mind, running is monotonous and can lull you into a trance.  That is how jogging accidents happen.  People running into a parked car or running into a street sign -- Those things happen because people are in a trance-like state when running.  Let's prevent unnecessary injuries and just stop running!!!
5. Are marathons really a sport?  I mean they have something like 15,000 people running in them.  Can you bet on a race with 15,000 people participating in it?  How can you handicap it?  If you can't bet on it, then it isn't a sport!  With 12,000 participants, you cannot bet on a marathon and therefore, it’s not a sport.
6. The fashion. Elastic waistbands are bad, but stretch Lycra pants are verboten outside the confines of a strip club with a happy hour. [Editor’s note: beware strip clubs that have a happy hour as there should be no extra need to drum up business]
7. Jogging is to sprinting what T-Ball is to baseball—perhaps not the strongest  example as you break more of a sweat deciding what to tip an attractive waitress than you do playing baseball, but nonetheless—like T-ball, jogging is lazy and egalitarian. Unlike sprinting, which involves competition and athleticism, the winner of a marathon is decided by whoever doesn’t immediately require an IV drip.
8. Spandex and fanny packs. While it’s true, this ensemble could be found any given morning before a shopping mall opens, it’s endemic in jogging. Worse still is when it’s done with those ski pole things, which we believe is called “Nordic Running”, whose complex origins date back to when mainland Europeans fled raping and pillaging Vikings.
9. It’s antisocial. Marathoning is the only “sport” (since we’re employing such a lax definition of sport here, feel free to include skipping stones on a lake or wolfing down a 72-ounce steak for a prize) that is completely solitary, yet requires absolutely no skill whatsoever—this differentiates it from golf or swimming — unskilled swimming is called “drowning”.
10. If you’re going to play a game of, say, football or rugby, you can’t just swap it for a cab ride—unlike a marathon.
11. Unlike some sports in which people die while competing — auto racing and boxing, for example — a marathon is the only one that fells competitors both during and after it takes place.  If you see a Formula 1 racer drop dead after he’s uncorked the bubbly, it’s because he’s been shot.
12. A marathon is the only sport where the participants outnumber the spectators. If a mass of thousands of people is running in any particular direction, there better be a tsunami.
13. Jogging is always done at creepy hours. There is no conceivable reason to forgo an hour’s sleep to get up at the crack of dawn and roam the streets unless you’re a particularly gung-ho pervert, postal worker or hobo. Jogging in the evening when the rest of society is busy camped out in front of their televisions or boozing it up is also antisocial [see 8] .
14. It upsets dogs. The quiet of more than one suburban street has been disturbed by a passing jogger hoofing by and this being noticed by every second house’s dog. The baying hounds then ruin the good sleep that sane people enjoy late Saturday mornings.
15.  The so-called “Runner’s High”. Getting high normally is all about convenience, the kind that doesn’t involve testing municipal pet bylaws with an errant step. Humans have spent thousands of years perfecting the fine art of distilling spirits, brewing beer and carefully processing and cultivating things that provide a high without having to break in a pair of arch supports or venture outdoors.

The only advantage of running -- Seeing women running in Lycra and short shorts!

Sorry, The disadvantages far outnumber the advantage.

I Disagree!

Maybe it depends where in Iowa you live.  I love the outdoors.  Hiking, mountain biking, camping.  I think Idaho has a little bit more to do when it comes to outdoors stuff.  I love Mountains. 

Iowa does have some advantages - Not alot of crime ( unless you live in the Meth Capital of the World) and most of the people are nice.  The State Fair is great!  And Sweet Corn and Tenderloins are two of my favorite foods.  So there are some pluses...

How Did She Get Command of a Ship?

Captain Holly Graf was relieved of her command over the USS Cowpens after she ordered her ship to race the USS John McCain. The ships came within 300 feet of hitting each other.  Talk about a game of chicken. 

The Navy inspector general's report on Graf also indicated that she was verbally abusive of her staff, once yelling at an officer, "Take your goddamn attitude and shove it up your f@!@ing ass and leave it there."

What a lady!!  I am sure she has a ton of men (or women) lined up waiting to go out with her.  Actually, she probably just looks at someone, then threatens and berates them into going out with her.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Need Some Motivation to Start Working Out?

I think this is enough...

I Love Going to College Volleyball Games!

College Volleyball Season is Fast Approaching!  Where else can you see this and not get called a pervert for looking?

Or These...

What do Men stare at? How about women?

Jessica Rockwell, Michelle Arenal, and Bonnie Burton
Answer - What are Breasts and Wedding Rings!

A French company called Miratech has used its eye tracking technology to track the eye movements of men and women when looking at different images. Men look at the woman's chest for 37 percent longer than women do.  The Women look at the ring on a woman's finger for 27 percent longer than the men. I guess that makes sense.  I would rather see a breast than a ring!

Here's video showing the points that the men looked at:

And here is video showing where the women looked:

I believe that I spent about 50% of the time looking at her boobs.  I guess I am an above average guy!

$545 For a Chain Bra Harness?

That shit better be made of Gold and Diamonds!  And do women actually wear these?  I have never seen one in my life, and I know women and boobs pretty well!!!

News Anchor Can't Help It - Sheila Dikshit

This news anchor can't help but crack up uncontrollably when he hears the woman's name, which is Sheila Dikshit.  Honestly, I think I would do the same thing!

North Korean Family Meets the Great Leader...

...and they don't look all that thrilled about it.

I WIsh I Would Have Thought of That

Brilliant, Hilarious Prank!  I have to try it.  Who will be my victim?  All of my friends better beware...

Canada's Future First Couple

Canadians Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger (of Nickelback Fame) are engaged!  Here was their Twitter Pic:

This is a match made in Heaven since both of them have been irrelevant and the Butt of many, many jokes for several years now.  Does anyone outside of Canada actually listen to them anymore?  Does anyone even give a crap that they are getting married?  Of course in Canada, the wedding will probably be broadcast live on CBC!

His Imaginary Friend is Fabio

HILARIOUS Comedy from Jon Daly!

Weird License Plate

Saw a license plate in Des Moines this week that read "XFEMAIL"

So what the heck does that mean?  I see three options:
1.  A retired femail postal carrier
2.  A Divorced Mail-Order Bride
3.  A transgendered, post-operative woman who has now become a man. 

I was hoping the first option, but then I caught the glimpse of the driver.  He/she was about a 30 year old guy, driving along and singing to himself.  Looks like it was the second option!!!

A WTF Moment in Russia

I have no idea what the Hell is going on here!  Just watch...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Jessica Simpson Has Big Boobs!

Jessica Simpson's mom tweeted the above pic of her daughter.  WOW!  Jessica, your boobs have gotten huge!  It is amazing what a baby and a diet high in fat will do to a pair of boobs!   I took the liberty of cropping the pic below.  They look scrumptious when cropped.  You almost forget that she has about 60 or 60 pounds of excess fat under the boobs!

Jessica, you would put me in a predicament if you ever came down to Austin and tried to seduce me.  Your body does not really turn me on, but if you flashed those boobies, I may have to give in!!!  Come on down here and put me to the test!

--Enrique Santos

Facts Presented by Babes - Part II

And once again, who cares if they are real facts...

And don't forget to check out Part I

Even Batman Has a Porn Parody

I finally saw The Dark Knight Rises last week and I have to be honest, I was not all that impressed.  It was good, but not great.  I would rate it a 6 out of 10.  I am not going to get into reviewing it because I think we have had way too much press on the movie.

But I am going to share a little tidbit of info for all you Batman fans who just can't get enough of anything "Batman".  My buddy Rob found a porn version of Batman!  Yes, another porn parody!  It is called Batman on Designer Island–yes, you read that right.  Here is the synopsis from the website:
Batman has crash landed his batplane on a beautiful mysterious island. He looks into the distance and sees a beautiful woman in a shiny gown. She comes over to him – talking about how beautiful and luscious her designer dress is before she’s joined by another beautiful girl in expensive clothes. Before he knows it, Batman is surrounded by beautiful women in designer outfits. One of the beauties pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes it in Batman’s direction – he inhales the sweet scent. He knows he shouldn’t but he loves the fragrance and can’t escape it’s powers. The women put a collar on Batman – turning him into their slave. The lovely ladies want all of Batman’s money – credit cards and other valuables so they may continue their wicked shopping habits.
I’m sold! That is a great synopsis.  Let's see, we’ve got the Batplane, a crash landing, beautiful women in designer outfits, domination. TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT TO WATCH THAT PORNO!  Be Honest! Think about it.  In The Dark Knight Rises, Batman is being chased around by some hulking guy in a respirator mask. In Designer Island the Caped Crusader is being jerked off within an inch of his life by hot chicks in fancy outfits.
And I never knew that Superheroes carry Credit Cards!

 --Enrique Santos

So Prince Harry Had a Little Fun...

What is the big deal?  He got a little drunk, ran around naked and slept with some women. In Las Vegas I might Add! Give me a break.  This stuff happens all the time in Vegas, Texas, Iowa, England, Germany and everywhere else around the world.

And to all these guys criticizing him...Give it a Rest!  If you had the chance, you would be doing the same thing!  Don't lie!!!
It is Prince Harry.  He was born into the Royal Family and is surrounded by bodyguards, handlers, and all other types of Royal "Advisors".  His family isn't exactly the most exciting family in the world, so he has to create his own excitement.  He is in line to be the King if something happens to William, he is rich as hell and is the heir to billions, what girl wouldn't want to get naked with him?  Leave him alone and let him have his fun!

Besides, this isn't that big of deal considering he’s had pics of himself dressed up like a Nazi.  And don't forget the time he was 16, drunk and smoking weed!  Actually, the guy sounds like he has had a pretty good life.  I bet many of you would prefer that to a boring 9-5 Suburban Christian Ordinary Life.  Am I Right?   

You go Prince Harry!  And if you ever want to get wild in Iowa, give me a call!

On another Note - This goes to prove that "What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas" is a bunch of BULLSHIT!

Someone Needs To Teach Rachel Lamke To Properly Fill a Gas Tank

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