Saturday, September 8, 2012

The Octomom, Howard Stern and a Sybian --Need I say More? OH Yeah, Probably NSFW

To promote her debut fap porn, Octomom and her masturbation teacher Jessica Drake went on the Howard Stern Show a while back. They talked about porn and masturbation.  Since Nadya Suleman, aka The Octomom, is now hooked on masturbation, Howard brought out the Sybian and she jumped at the chance to hop on. This clip is totally NSFW unless your boss is okay with you screaming for mercy.  You Have been warned.

BTW - That was a rather weak Fake Orgasm.  Jessica, you need to work with her on making it sound a little more realistic!

Happy Birthday to Pink and Brooke Burke

                                                            Pink turns 33 today and the still Hot Brooke Burke turns 41.

This Week in Unnecessary Censorship

Thank you Jimmy Kimmel Live!!!

Larry David Narrates "The Daily Shows" Obama Video - "It Could Have Been Worse"

French Pop Star Falls on Her Butt

La chanteuse Jennifer chute dans l'emission du 07/01/11 La fête de la chanson francaise sur France 3.

I have no idea what that says other than it happened a year ago, but it is worth a chuckle!

Happy Birthday Son!

In Honor of Today's ISU Vs. Iowa Football Game...

...I present you with some of the most beautiful fans from each side.  First Iowa State:

 And Now for the Iowa Hawkeyes:

As You could tell, I couldn't find too many University of Iowa Hotties.  

Go Clones!!!!

The Breast Pillow Ever

My friend Ron and I went out last night with the usual gang.  We headed down to Court Ave. here in Des Moines where all the bars are.  Before going, we had to pic up a new member of the group, David.  We went to David's house on the sketchy North side of Des Moines.  The dude wasn't ready so we had a seat in  the living room.  I get a call and ask David if I could duck into his guest bedroom to take it (There were 5 of us and all had been drinking it up, so the noise level was a little loud.  We all talk louder after drinking).  He said sure and I go into his guest bedroom, a tiny little room that has a chair, a dresser and a double bed.  As I am talking, I happen to glance down at the bed and notice this:

It is a crocheted pillow that looks like a pair of breasts.  I almost loose it on the phone.  Ok, I do loose it.  I start laughing and my friend Brenda asks, "What is up?"  

I tell her I am looking at a pair of breasts to which she replies, "You back at the Lumberyard?" (A local strip club)

I snapped a shot of the pillow and send it to her.  She starts laughing!  Ron is on his way to the bathroom and sees me in there.  I call him in to show him the tits on the bed.  Soon everyone has left the living room and is in this tiny little guest bedroom laughing at the crocheted titties on the bed.  

David hears the commotion and shows up.  We point and laugh at the breast pillow.  He says his Grandma makes novelty pillows and made that one for him.  She also makes dicks, balls, and anything else you want as a pillow.  David even shows us her picture that is on the dresser in the bedroom. She looks like a nice, little old lady.  She looks all innocent and sweet.  

Then David drops the bombshell; his granny used to be a stripper and was a porn star in the late 60's and early 70's.  That little old lady in the photo was a dirty, raunchy, sex-crazed hottie back in the day and now she is crocheting tits, dicks and balls!  I guess she couldn't get the sex out of her system after menopause and had to have a release.  

We are talking for a few minutes about sex, women, and the pillow - which Ron has dubbed "The Breast Pillow Ever" when David drops bombshell #2:  His granny is in her third nursing home.  She got kicked out of the other two for having sex and doing lewd acts with other residents.  Apparently, she still has quite the sexual appetite.  She was regularly caught watching porn on her TV, she has had sex toys out in the commons area, she was caught using a vibrator on herself in the "family area" one evening while others were around, watching TV.  She even tried to get one of the male workers who was in his 20's to have sex with her.  Her behavior was deemed inappropriate at 2 homes already.  According to David, there is a 30-something male prostitute in the city that pays her visits every few weeks in her home as well.  Apparently his Granny pays the guy to "Cum" over (Pun intended).  

Then Johnny B., who is a male slut and will sleep with just about anything, asks David if he could meet his granny!  And David said "Sure, she would love that!"  Not sure if Johnny is going to follow through, but if he does, you can be sure that I will post about it!  

This Guy Got Stuck With a Bad Email

Friday, September 7, 2012

I Need This for the ISU-Iowa Game - A Tailgating Stripper Pole!

Screw all those guys who have the decked out RV's with the bar, big screen TV and ridiculously huge grills.  When I roll up with some hotties and bust out the new Mobile Stripper Pole, I will be the center of the Tailgating Universe!!!!!

She's Got Talent!

A Sexy Vampire! (NSFW)

Take a Close Look!

So What About All Those Without a Job...

--Enrique Santos

Sausage Schlepped and my Nuggets Slurped

Last night I went to my friend Julie's birthday party at a bar down on 6th street.  I got a late start because I was doing some work around the house.  By the time I was finished, it was already after 10 PM.  I took quick shower and headed down to the bar.  When I got there, just about everyone was drunk off their asses and I was stone sober!  That is a rarity.   They had been drinking since 7 PM!

There was a karaoke DJ playing there, and when I burst through the door, my buddy Thomas grabbed me and announced that I would be singing with him soon.  Then he stumbled to his seat, tripping over what he claimed was a power cord.  I saw nothing on the floor.

I immediately began drinking.  Thomas wandered over to my table and started telling a story about the time that we were up late, eating Taco Cabana and watching netflix movies after a night of drinking and clubbing.  He got a booty call at about 3 AM and drove over to her house.  He thought I was going to head home, but I was way to tired and drunk to drive so I crashed there.  He wasn't home, so I made myself comfortable.

When he came home the next morning, he found me sleeping in his bed. I have to admit, that was sort of an asshole thing to do on my part, but when your host abandons you and his home for a piece of ass, I figure that the guest is entitled to a free upgrade from the couch to a bed.  Don't you agree?

Anyway, the real reason I am writing this post is because Thomas came up with a new term for sexual intercourse.  I have never heard this one.

His exact words were: "So I take off to go get my sausage schlepped and my nuggets slurped."

We are all laughing and Thomas continues: "So, I go off to go get my sausage slurped and schlepped."

He ended up saying Sausage, schlepped, slurped and nuggets in some combination a total of 9 times in about 3 minutes.

Today, I found myself using the terms slurped and schlepped myself.  I wonder if this is going to catch.

Oh yeah, we did end up singing a Karaoke Song.  We sang "Jump" by Van Halen.  Tom jumped during the chorus and fell of the stage!  I think Julie has it on video.  If she posts it on YouTube, I will link it.

All-in-All, it was a good night and I did not even get drunk!  I had about 5 beers all night.  I was so busy singing Karaoke all night that it really interfered in my beverage consumption.

Bibi Jones Retires from Porn - New Career Advice

Bibi Jones is a porn actress who announced this summer that she is going to retire.  She is done with Porn.
That means Bibi has to find a new occupation.

For this edition of Free Advice Fridays, I am going to be giving some occupational advice to Miss Jones.  These are some possible careers that you could choose for your new life, a life away from the porn industry.

1.  Blow Job Trainer and/or Dildo Tester
Remember my post about Blow Job Trainers and Dildo testers?  I think this could be a perfect fit for you.  It isn't porn and you would actually be doing a great service to the women out there who use dildos or do not know how to give a good blow job.  It would be a great service to the men too.  I am sure they would be very appreciative after their ladies learn how to give a good blow job from you!

2.  Enrique Santos' Secretary/Personal Assistant

I have been meaning to get one to help me with my work. I bet you would be perfect! All you would have to do is answer the phone, do some filing and look Hot!

3.  My Personal Bodyguard
By these pics, it looks like you know how to use a gun!  Maybe we can get something going like Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner had in their movie!  

4.  My Babysitter

I don't have any kids yet, but I am sure someday I will.  I always dreamed of having a hot babysitter who accepted different forms of payment...  

5.  My Dogsitter

From this pic, it looks like you get along well with dogs.  I have two of them.  

Another Great "This is Sportscenter" Commercial

This one features NFL Analyst John Clayton.  Hilarious!

Will There Be a Day When Going To College "Isn't Worth It"?

There's been a meme lately in the edublogosphere that perhaps there's a "higher education bubble", meaning that college costs are rising so high and so fast, even when compared to inflation, that eventually they, like the dotcom bubble and the housing bubble and the tulip bulb bubble, will burst. Then what happens? If it's lower college costs and fewer people attending Club Med U and instead attending Reasonable State U, I'm all for it.

There's another meme going around that says that students are racking up so much debt (in these pre-bubble-bursting days), and high-paying jobs are so scarce, that a college education might not even be worth the cost anymore.

Bacon Coffee

WOW!!! Two of my favorite things in the world are finally coming together as one.

This is the Bacon Coffee as created by Eileen Gannon. This rich and meaty drink, aptly named "How to Win a Guy with One Sip," won Seattle's Best Red Cup Showdown competition and will be coming to participating Seattle's Best coffee houses in the United States: Link

WAIT!  Seattle's Best coffee?  We don't have that here in Iowa!!! DAMN!!!!

My Poodle Party

This guy needs to get out of the house more and make some friends!!!!

Not to mention that he broke one of the "Man Rules" -- Never have pink furniture or use pink to cover your furniture. 

Lastly, anyone else find it ironic that the party hats have that stupid Hello Kitty thing on them???

Free Advice Fridays - Random Advice to Make Your Life Better!

TGIF!!!!!!! Friday means free advice from me - The "Dr. Phil" of Iowa!!! I had a big "thank you" from a former student who is now off on his own. He likes the  "Free Advice Friday"series and said that he has gained some valuable advice: Eating the Mac & Cheese from the pan, thus reducing the number of dishes that you need to wash. Glad I could be of help!!!!!!!

I did get two requests for free advice, unfortunately neither one was family friendly (There are some sick and confused people out there!!) So, I am going to impart some wisdom to my readers that was passed down to me by my parents, grandparents, friends, etc. This advice could save your life someday!!! So...Pay attention.

1. Always pee down the slope -- I remember this one from watching my son pee recently. I don't remember where it was, but he had the misfortune of peeing up a slight hill and it trickled back down to his shoes. Could be embarrassing, so make sure you aim down(hill).

2. Don't put any metal in a microwave -- I decided to try it one night just to see what would happen. I had heard all the warnings, but I thought maybe they were a little extreme. Sparks flew, smoke rose and the light show was very impressive. Unfortunately, the microwave was ruined.
Hey-- I used to be a Social Studies, Spanish and English teacher, not a science teacher!!!!

3. Don't flip off the Mafia -- I was in Boston with my Aunt and she told me that one just out of the blue.

4. When Biking downhill, don't forget to turn your head when you spit -- #1 made me think of this one since I started going on family bike rides. I better sit my kids down and tell them before I forget.

5. When in the south, ask for soda not pop. You will avoid getting some weird looks.

6. If you move to California, don't go crazy and complain after your first earthquake. A friend did that. He moved out there and freaked out after an earthquake. Complained for two months. If you move to Cali, there WILL be earthquakes -- Expect it. Just like you expect Tornadoes in Iowa or Hurricanes in Florida.

7. If your girlfriend is forcing you to go to a chick flick, sneak an Ipod in with you and listen to it in the ear away from her. Laugh when she laughs and comfort her when she starts crying. If you do it right, you can jam to Metallica without her even knowing it.

Time is up for now. I gotta get going. If you want some advice that is "Oprah Quality", shoot me an email and I will try and get to you next Friday. Have a great Weekend!!!!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

A Big Boob Music Video for You!

I admit, it may not be all that great, but it’s a bunch of bouncing boobs!  The song is "Vertical Lines" and it is sung by the band Leather Hands

If I ever make a Music Video, I am sure it will look like this, but with some bouncing butts in there as well!

Morgan Freeman - Titty Sprinkles

If you had a hard time reading that, Can't Read, or are just too lazy to read, here's Josh Robert Thompson reading it as Morgan Freeman would.

God, I Still Miss College!

A Girl Under a Wave

This is a cool Picture!

San Diego Padres Ballgirl Saves the Braves!

San Diego Padres Ballgirl 'Catalina' saved the Atlanta Braves bullpen with this grab.

Corey Feldman is a Player Or Just a Charlie Sheen Wannabe?

At first, I thought this was a picture of the old man from the movie Up when he was younger. Looks just like him.

But I was wrong, this is one-time kid star Corey Feldman and the hookers he paid for. I guess he is trying to be Charlie Sheen, just without the $ and the Charisma!

Corey, what is up with the Rat Tail in front? You have had that since you were like 12 years old. Don't you think it is time for a change?

And that see through shirt? Leave that for the ladies. Guys should never, ever wear a see through shirt! It isn't like you have much to see.

And does anyone else think his nipples are way to far to the side? It looks freakish. Like he had breast implants that stretched his skin and then had them removed, but the nipples stayed out to the side. Weird dude! I do have yo give you some credit in your taste of hookers. They aren't bad!

Thai Kickboxing Goes Extreme

My friend Bill just got back from Thailand.  He told me that while he was in Thailand (he was there on business and spent 6 months in the country), he saw a kickboxing match in which there was one guy wearing bells and two blindfolded men. The goal of the blindfolded boxer was to knock out the guy with the bells based on where they hear the sound coming from, while the goal of the guy with the bells is to try to trick the two guys into knocking out one another. This sounds incredible.  Seriously.  This is something I would pay to see.  I would love to watch it. 

I WANT VIDEO!!!  I couldn't find it on YouTube.  My friend did not have his camera with him when he was there (He said ti was not in a good part of the town and he was advised against taking a camera, wearing nice clothes or taking jewelry.)  If anyone has video of this, please let me know!  I get about 5 or so hits a day from Thailand, so please go out and videotape this for me.  I will owe you big time!

My Science Experience

I thought Bill Nye was the Coolest Nerd ever!!!  Is he still around?

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Taylor Stevens Likes ESPN

Taylor Stevens and ESPN!  What a great combination!

--Enrique Santos

WOW! You Don't See That in Many Strip Clubs

Oona Kivelä (OonaK) is a former gymnast and current Pole World Cup champion. The video is SFW and is amazing.  How does she do that?  I have been going to Strip Clubs for years and never saw anything close to this routine!

Fan Faceplants at a Mexican Soccer Game...

...and the announcers love it!  It happened at a match between the Morelia Monarcas and Pumas UNAM

Drunk Guy Bulldozes a Bunch of Cars, Gets His Ass Beat!

Some Drunk Guy decided it would be cool to take a bulldozer down to a parking lot to clear a few cars out. He was getting after it, bulldozing 7 cars, and then a blown tire forced the dude to quit. After that, an angry mob surrounded him and went all Apeshit on him, beating the crap out of him. I probably would too if he had bulldozed my car!

The Boat Crash...With Music!

Remember the Boat Crash that I posted on Monday?  It seems everyone is now adding dubstep to it.  Here are a couple of the best ones I found:

The 25 Greatest Unscripted Scenes in Movies

It is hard to believe, but these 25 awesome movie scenes were not scripted, they were improvised. Enjoy!

Schedule for ESPN's 2nd Season of "30 for 30"

Broke - Tuesday, Oct. 2, 8 p.m. 
This one focuses on athletes and their financial management skills.  It goes in depth at looking at why athletes such as Bernie Kosar and Andre Rison ended up broke.  
9.79* -Tuesday, Oct. 9, 8 p.m. 
This one looks at the 100-meter men’s final at the 1988 Seoul Games.  Many think this one was the fastest and most exciting sprint in Olympics history.  Less than two days after Ben Johnson won the gold, running the 100m in 9.79 seconds, it was announced that he had tested positive for steroids.  This documentary looks at that race and the scandal that ensued.

There’s No Place Like Home - Tuesday, Oct. 16, 8 pm. 
All about a fan's obsession to buy James Naismith's original rules of Basketball and bring them home to Lawrence, Kansas.  
Benji - Tuesday, Oct. 23, 8 p.m.
About the 1984 murder of 17-year-old Ben Wilson.  Wilson was one of the most promising basketball players ever from Chicago's south side.   
Ghosts of Ole Miss - Tuesday, Oct. 30, 8 p.m. 
In 1962, the University of Mississippi campus erupted in violence over integration while at the same time enjoying an undefeated football season.  Mississippi native Wright Thompson takes a look at this historical year in Ole Miss history.
You Don’t Know Bo - Saturday, Dec. 8, 9 p.m.
Bo Jackson was the man!  He hit 500 ft. home runs, ran over linebackers, and was considered by many to be the best athlete during his day.  Some still argue that he would have been the greatest athlete of all time had he not suffered injuries and bad luck.  

White after Labor Day

I have heard it is some kind of Fashion Faux Pas to wear all white after Labor Day.  Ladies, is this true?  If so, someone forgot to tell this woman!
And the Bright Pink Panties under the white skirt thingy is a nice touch...NOT!!!

Some Random Educational Quotes

  • "I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework." -- Edith Ann, [Lily Tomlin]
  • "You teach best what you most need to learn." -- Richard David Bach
  • A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimensions.
    - Anonymous
  • A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
    - Anonymous
  • A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
    - John Ciardi
  • A university professor set an examination question in which he asked what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an A+ to a student who answered: I don't know and I don't care.
    - Richard Pratt, Pacific Computer Weekly, 20 July 1990
  • "Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." -- (Louis) Hector Berlioz
  • Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
    - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
  • An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field.
    - Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
  • Education ... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
    - G. M. Trevelyan
  • Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
    - Laurence J. Peter
  • An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
    - Nicholas Murray Butler
  • Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
    - Will Durant
  • Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
  • Experience is a good school, but the fees are high.
    - Heinrich Heine
  • Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the experience, you're too damned old to do anything about it.
    - Jimmy Connors
  • Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you.
    - Aldous Huxley
  • "Who dares to teach must never cease to learn."
    -- John Cotton Dana
  • "A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."
    -- Henry Brooks Adams
  • "What we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child."
    --George Bernard Shaw
  • "Good teachers are those who know how little they know. Bad teachers are those who think they know more than they don't know."
    -- R. Verdi
  • "Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century."
    -- Perelman
  • "Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
    -- Albert Einstein
  • "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
    -- Mark Twain
  • "Education is not the answer to the question. Education is the means to the answer to all questions."
    -- William Allin
  • "Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."
    -- Vernon Law
  • "I may have said the same thing before... But my explanation, I am sure, will always be different."
    -- Oscar Wilde
  • "Anyone can steer the ship when the sea is calm."
    -- Publilius Syrus
  • "The main part of intellectual education is not the acquisition of facts but learning how to make facts live."
    -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
  • "Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune."
    -- Jim Rohn
  • "Education is that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."
    -- Ambrose Bierce
  • "Getting things done is not always what is most important. There is value in allowing others to learn, even if the task is not accomplished as quickly, efficiently or effectively."
    -- R.D. Clyde
  • "Education costs money, but then so does ignorance."
    -- Sir Claus Moser
  • "In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad."
    -- Friedrich Nietzsche
  • "The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change." -- Carl Rogers
  • "A liberally educated person meets new ideas with curiosity and fascination. An illiberally educated person meets new ideas with fear."
    -- James B. Stockdale
  • "An educational system isn't worth a great deal if it teaches young people how to make a living but doesn't teach them how to make a life."
    -- Source Unknown
  • "Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave."
    -- Henry Peter Broughan
  • "It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated."
    -- Alec Bourne, A Doctor's Creed
  • "It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it."
    -- J. Bronowski, The Ascent of Man
  • "The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself."
    -- Edward Bulwer-Lytton
  • "A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary."
    -- Thomas Carruthers
  • "The authority of those who teach is often an obstacle to those who want to learn."
    -- Cicero
  • "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't."
    -- Anatole France
  • "I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think."
    -- Socrates
  • Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself."
    -- Chinese Proverb
  • "The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles, but to irrigate deserts."
    -- C. S. Lewis
  • "Education would be so much more effective if its purpose were to ensure that by the time they leave school every boy and girl should know how much they don't know, and be imbued with a lifelong desire to know it."
    -- Sir William Haley
  • "I am beginning to suspect all elaborate and special systems of education. They seem to me to be built up on the supposition that every child is a kind of idiot who must be taught to think."
    -- Anne Sullivan
  • "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."
    -- Malcolm Forbes -

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Life Is Short - Enjoy It While You Can

What is going on in London?  Is there really a market for a practitioner of vaginal fisting?
BTW - Very descriptive email dude!

Kate Upton for Skullcandy Headphones!

We still love Kate Upton, and always will. Even when she balloons to 200+ pounds!!!

Show Your Team Spirit With a Glass Eye

Take a look at this freakish Kansas City Chief's fan!  That is 58-year-old Kansas City Chiefs fan Steve Graham looking at you. OK, OK, he isn't really looking at you because that is not his real eye, it is his custom made KC Chiefs glass eye.  He had a dart accident years ago and he needed a glass eye.  He is a KC Chiefs fan so why not get a KC logo on his glass eye  Via Last Angry Fan.

Meet Pomona, Kansas native Steve Graham. Steve is 58 and was born in Kansas City, Kansas. He lost his right eye in a dart accident back in 1967, at the age of 13. Two years later, Steve and his good eye watched the Chiefs win their first and only Super Bowl. He’s been a die-hard fan ever since.

Steve had the eye made ten years ago when he went in to have some replacement artificial eyes made. His Dr. suggested he have a Chiefs eye mad [sic] so he could show his spirit like nobody else when attending games. Steve took him up on it.

Couple Steal Lubricant, Then Have Sex in the Supermarket

This Kansas Couple decided to steal some lube and then put on their own sex show in the local Walmart.

Right in front of other customers, 22-year-old Julian Call and 35-year-old Tina Gianakon allegedly began ‘sexually fondling’ each other, reports the New York Daily News.

I guess to help them get the deed done, the couple also reportedly stole a tube of K-Y Jelly.

You are probably thinking, like I was, that these two were either drunk or all drugged up.  According to the police, the couple was sober.  No drugs or alcohol involved. I guess they just like the thrill of public sex.  I mean who hasn't dreamt of having sex in the middle of a Walmart!  (Actually, I haven't had that dream yet.)

The couple now face charges for ‘lewd and lascivious behaviour’.

Heavy Metal Meltdown - Black Sabbath Fan Goes Crazy

This goes way back to the Ronnie James Dio (RIP) days of Black Sabbath. Check out this dude who is flipping out over meeting the guys from Black Sabbath. Can we call this a "Heavy Metal Meltdown"?

Terrifying Tuesdays - Dentist Mascot

Not sure about you, but this thing looks creepy!  It looks like pure dental evil!
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