Saturday, September 15, 2012

Adjust those Boobs Kate Upton!

I will just sit back and watch!


The Hula Cam at Burning Man

Hotties, Babes, Hula Hoops, Cameras, Burning Man...You know you want to watch this!!!

Now This is Zip-Lining

I love Zip-lining.  First Time I did it was in the Rain Forest Canopy in Costa Rica.  Since Then, I have done it in Colorado, Brazil, Texas and Wyoming.  Incredible!!!  It may not be for everyone, but the rush of soaring above the ground at 40-50 mph is awesome.

A friend last night told me about the Dragon’s Breath Zip-line in Haiti.  He was down there in 2009, before the devastating earthquake.  It is the Zip-line in the Caribbean (at least at that time). It’s about 2,600 foot long and it covers both land and water. That is just shy of a half mile!

I did a little search about it and found this YouTube video!  WOW!!!

Kate Middleton Ain't All That!

I have always thought that Prince William's Wife, Kate Middleton, was fairly hot.  I would have rated her at least a 7.5 or maybe an 8.  Then the nude pics of her came out and I have to say, I am disappointed!  She is not that great looking with her clothes off.

She kind of has weird, droopy looking boobs for a woman in her 20's.  I was expecting a couple of perky, firm small melons, but these were more like saggy, misshapen pears.  And she looks way to skinny from the side view.  She needs at least a little meat on her ribs!  

See for yourself at egotastic.  They have the nudes. 
So I have to reassess my rating of Kate.  I still give her a 7.5 clothed, but she drops down to a 5, just average, when naked.  I hate to say it, but Prince William could have done better!

My Lunch Today - A Mac and Cheese Hot Dog

It wasn't this one.  Mine had the bacon bits but no green onion.  I ate it too fast before I remembered to take a pic.  My kids were eating Mac and Cheese and I had made a Hot Dog.  I remembered seeing this pic on Tumblr and decided to give it a shot!  It was delicious, although very messy.  Now my kids want one!

Happy Birthday to the Surgery Queen - Heidi Montag

Today, Heidi Montag turns 26 and she has had more surgeries than a 50 year old!  She has had Breast Augmentations, Rhinoplasty, and one time had 10 plastic surgery procedures done in one day!  Can You Say "OBSESSED!"

Why Doesn't This Happen to Me?

Found this on
Jackass alum Bam Margera claims he was rudely awakened last night by a butt-naked girl who broke into his West Chester, Pennsylvania house, and climbed into his bed.
Law enforcement sources who spoke with TMZ say a freaked-out Margera tossed the girl on the floor and rushed to dial 911. 
Rather than turn the nude intruder off, the rejection apparently got the girl aroused, because Margera told the police she began to masturbate as he was talking on the phone. 
Afterwards, Margera decided he'd seen enough, and removed the girl from his residence.
Police arrived a short while later and found the girl, still in her birthday suit, roaming nearby. She was taken into custody on charges of burglary, criminal trespass, and stalking.
Dude!  Maybe I should start being a Jackass and then some chicks will break into my house and masturbate!     I hope she was butt ugly, because if she was hot and I was single at the time, I am not sure I would have kicked her out...

Happy Birthday to the "Naked" Prince

Prince Harry turns 28 today.  Too bad he is over in Afghanistan instead of in Vegas.  I doubt we will be getting any wild reports of partying from over there!


I used to live in Mexico and I loved this time of year down there!  Sept. 16 is Mexico's Independence Day (I hope by now you are aware that Cinco de Mayo is NOT Mexico’s Independence Day.) The Big party actually kicks off on the night of the 15 with El Grito and the party continues into the wee hours of the morning (and sometimes into the afternoon of the 16th)  So by the time the 16 actually arrives, everybody is too drunk, tired or hung over to remember much of anything.   Even though my family and I are living in Iowa these days, I’m still indulging in all-things Mexico whenever I can.  In honor of Mexico's Independence Day, I decided to put together a quick list of the Five Things you Must Do to Celebrate El Grito while living in the USA.

1. Buy a "Made-in-Philippines" Mexican flag.

2. Go to your nearest Walmart and buy a ton of the cheapest non-Agave Tequila. (Trust me, not even I can afford the real deal imported from Mexico)

3. Eat some Pozole and have menudo on the 16th to help cure your hangover (Never mind that it is the stomach lining of a cow you are eating)

4. Tune in to Univision, Galavision or some other American Latino channel to watch Calderon (The crappy Mexican President- at least we both have pathetic presidents) yell ¡Viva México! a bunch of times.

5. Yell ¡Viva México! -repeatedly- right after the president. Don't feel embarrassed - that is what the fake tequila is for.

Unfortunately, I will have to work tomorrow so no fake tequila for me, but I will be yelling "¡Viva México! ¡Viva México! ¡Viva México!"  (Might even add "Cabrones!")

One Happy Baby

Friday, September 14, 2012

Kate Upton Can Be My Personal Assistant

Remember that I mentioned on a post this week that retired porn star Bibi Jones could be my personal assistant, among other things.  I actually forwarded that post to her site and twitter account, but I have yet to hear back from her.  Bibi, you may be out of luck as I am about to offer that position to Kate Upton.  Check out this pic:

Who wouldn't want that as a secretary/personal assistant?  You would be crazy not to hire her!

Kate: Your fame won't last forever!  Come on and work for me.  I promise good pay, insurance and extra benefits!

On a serious note - I really am looking for a personal assistant.  Anyone in Austin, Texas in need of a job, contact me

--Enrique Santos

Rihanna's Underboob Tattoo

Here it is. She posted it on Instagram and Twitter. It looks like some kind of Aztec/Mayan/Egyptian thing going on there.  Interesting...

Rooster Vs. Cat ...Who would win?

Now you can find out!

Canada's First Couple to Record an Album

Remember I broke the news here first that Nickelback's Chad Kroeger and Rocker Avril Lavigne were engaged (At least I hope you heard it here first).  Now it seems as though the cute Canadian Couple have decided to team up in the studio and record an album together.

HMMMM...Wonder which boring rehashed style they are going to use, his or hers?  Or maybe they will alternate so every other song sounds exactly the same...

Free Advice Friday - How to Get Rid of a One-Night Stand!

Most of us have been there.  We go out to a club or party, have a few too many drinks, take someone home and have a night of wild sex.  Then the next morning comes and that stranger is still there, lying next to you.  What do you do?

I Found this video on YouTube.  It is all you guys need to know about getting rid of a one-night stand the next morning.  Girls, you probably want to check this out to so you can see the signs of a guy trying to get you out of their place.  Hell, Ladies you can probably do the same to a guy that is over-staying after a raucous night.   Hilarious!

Look for Part 2 Next Friday!

I Love Bacon - But This May Be A Little Too Much

If you follow this blog, you know I love Bacon!  For proof, just check out all of these posts!  visit this post, this one and this one! Does anyone remember this?  The Denny's Bacon Sundae.
"Bacon makes a classic ice cream sundae even more awesome. We start with maple-flavored syrup, and a scoop of rich, creamy vanilla ice cream and then a generous sprinkle of our diced hickory-smoked bacon. Add another sweet layer of syrup and vanilla ice cream topped with even more bacon and a drizzle of syrup."

Here is a picture that my friend Angel took in a San Antonio Denny's. He actually told me it was pretty good.

I don't think it ever made it here to Iowa.  I might have to try and make it this week here at home.  I must be begging for a Heart-attack!

Free Advice Fridays -- Finally answering some emails

TGIF and TGIFAF (Thank God It's Free Advice Friday).  I guess my blog is getting out there because I have received some emails from people with questions for me to answer.  I am lovin'it (sorry to McDonalds for stealing your phrase)

Anyway, let's get right into it;

--Dear Madman:  Can you get Testicular Cancer from keeping a Cell Phone in your pocket?  I'm a little worried.  - Lauren from Des Moines
--Lauren, I am worried too.  First, isn't Lauren a girl's name?  If it is, the answer is easy NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER.  If indeed you are a guy, I think testicular cancer is the least of your worries.  Go listen to the song "A Boy Named Sue" by Johnny Cash.  

--Dear Madmen:  I just paid about $25,000 for law school.  I was so excited at the beginning of the semester, but now, after 2 months, I have come to realize I Hate Law School!!  What can I do?? -Broke and confused
--I would say you have a bit of a dilemma.  I assume it is too late to drop the classes and get your $$ back, so you are just going to have to stick it out.  I would start acting crazy in class.  Like go to your classes wearing an adult diaper and a tank-top with a rattle.  Talk baby talk.  You could brag about how you were Alexander the Great in a previous life and you feel like conquering Asia again.  Go to class with a box of mice and take them out in the middle of the lecture—when every looks at you, offer them some mice for a snack.  Tell them they are “bite size” and you only eat the big rats for dinner.   You can also take a big cardboard cut-out of Rosie O’Donnell and sit her next to you in class.  Have a running “love” conversation with her during the class. 

I hope by now you get my point.  Start acting crazy and you will be removed from the class.  I think that if the school “Removes you” from the program and it isn’t due to cheating, a crime or some other act of hostility or academic dishonesty, they have to refund your money.  You may have to spend 4 – 6 months in a psychiatric ward, but you will get back your $25,000.  I would say that is worth it.  And you won’t have to pay rent, electric bills or buy food during that time.  Good luck!!!

--Semi-Madmen,  I am a poor graduate school student who has just about used up all of my money for the semester and I still have a month and a half of school left.  What is the cheapest diet you can recommend to me that will keep me at least semi-nourished? –Johnny at NMSU
 --When I was in college, I lived by the buffets.  There was a pizza buffet called Gatti’s and we would go there after class and bring our homework.  There were days when I would stay 6 or seven hours.  They had TV’s, bathrooms and all the food and drink you could want.  It was better than my apartment.  Try to find a buffet like that and get there near the end of their lunchtime and stay into the evening.  That way, you get two meals for one.  And don’t forget to bring Tupperware to pack away extra chicken legs, slices of pizza and even a salad.  You could easily eat there one day and then spend two days living off the left-overs you snuck out of the restaurant.  Then go back and repeat the process.

Also, for napkins and condiments, just pop into a McDonald’s, 7-11, or something similar and stock up on everything from Ketchup, mustard, lemon juice packets to sugar packs and non-dairy creamer.  It will save you a good $50 a week.

--Mr. Madman, Are crocs manly? I HATE that I like to wear them now.  I need to know if I am dooming myself to someday carrying a man purse and wearing a man skirt. – Rick
 --I would say that wearing crocs is pretty manly.  There isn’t much that would be more manly than wearing a Croc.  Maybe it would be more manly if you wore a vest made out of a shark. With sleeves made out of leopard arms and gloves made from panther paws.  Which you killed with your bare hands. THAT MAY BE THE MANLIEST GET-UP EVER!!!  Heck, I think crocodiles are more dangerous than sharks.  I think they are because crocodiles can fight you on land and in the water but when you drag a shark out to the beach he’s kind of screwed after about 10 minutes.  Crocs also do that death roll thing.  In conclusion, yes, crocs are totally manly.  Now, if you are referring to those stupid looking plastic shoes that are called Crocs, they I am sorry to inform you that those are not manly at all.  As a matter of fact, they are perhaps the least manly footwear you could own, except for maybe a pair of ballet shoes or open-toed high heel stilletos.  But you know what?  Who cares!!!!  Wear ‘em anyway.  If you are comfortable wearing them, than just do it (Sorry Nike).  Just wear those little plastic crocs with enough confidence, style, and swagger (and a large gun if you have one—It helps to intimidate people into not making fun of your shoes) and no one is going to mess with you.

Thanks for the emails and keep 'em coming!!!  AND TAKE THAT DR. PHIL!!!!  Let's see if you could do any better.

So Sad It's Friday...

...And I think No One Ever Will Say It!!!

A Sexy GIF for you on this Friday!

Maybe this will make Monday a little more Bearable!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

OH Sweet Nectar!

Korean Singer Faceplants on Stage

This is Hilarious until you realize the girl is really hurt.  Then you feel kind of bad for laughing at her.  That lasts about 3 seconds and then you laugh again. 

Idiot Hurts Himself on an Escalator

This dude thought he was all cool and tried to impress his buddies while playing around on an escalator. What happens next...?  You guessed it - He got hurt!  What a douche!


These are Deep Fried Reeses Peanut Butter Cups wrapped in Bacon.  I am not joking!!!  Look for them on the menu at next year's Iowa State Fair. 

Classroom Management

Classroom Management is such an important topic for teachers, especially new teachers. There are whole semester college courses that deal with only effective classroom management as its topic. As a teacher, you will no doubt have to sit through numerous professional development days and workshops that tell you how to effectively manage a classroom.

Let me simplify things for you. I feel that there are two main types of classroom management in high schools. Whenever someone walks into a high school classroom, they will almost always see one of the two methods being implemented. The two types are:

The Prison: This style of classroom management implements total silence. As a matter of fact, the silence is so deafening, the sound of the teacher’s voice for a couple of minutes is enough to make one go crazy.

Bedlam: This is complete and utter chaos. When I say complete and utter chaos, I mean uncontrollable, anarchy type chaos that is being seen in Libya right now. This is Extreme Crazy stuff! You fear for your life while in this type of classroom.

Obviously, these are the two extremes and most classrooms fall somewhere in the middle. As for me, I have no problem getting students to be quiet. I usually keep a fairly quiet classroom while I am lecturing or there are videos, etc. being presented. I’ve got a system that works pretty well and keeps them on-task and quiet. Sure, there is the occasional student who wants attention or tries to be funny, but there are minimal disruptions in my class.

The problem with this is that when it’s completely silent and they’re working…everything in the classroom that I do is amplified. If my shoe squeaks while I walk, everyone hears it. My stomach growls (believe me, this happens more often than I like) - the whole class knows I am hungry. I am typing up a test on the computer- Each and every keystroke sounds like a hammer being driven into a nail. If this is driving me crazy, I am sure it is driving my students crazy as well.

Don’t get me wrong – There are times that we have fun and joke around. It is easy to do when teaching a foreign language. I also can “captivate” many of them by telling of my many humorous and strange travel stories. They love those and it usually is followed by many questions. So my classroom is not totally silent all of the time. Actually, I think you have to have some fun in the classroom or the students tune out and end up not enjoying the class. Therefore, I try and keep it light when I can and then we get down to business when it is time. Fortunately, I have little problem with students switching from one mode to the other.

So you want to know my secret to discipline? It really is simple. I am sure that many teachers do this, so it isn’t an earth-breaking new system or anything. I will say that it is simple and effective. I use a 3-tier system:
1. Individual Warning
2. Fill out Discipline Slip
3. Detention

I like to have fun in the classroom and I joke around as well. The key is that the students need to learn when it is time to get serious and when it is time to have fun. The first three weeks or so of a semester is usually enough time to get the students to realize when it is time for each. I rarely have to go to step #2 after the first few weeks of classes. They get the point.

In conclusion, I guess I am trying to say that it is important to incorporate some sort of fun in the classroom. This will keep the students interested and probably keep you, the teacher, from going insane. I think the key is that whatever you do to make the class fun, it needs to be something relevant and interesting to the students. Videos, games, interaction, quotes, anything. If we can make education a little more fun and entertaining, maybe more students will want to be in school and look forward to classes.

I Love The United Nations!

I have never been a big supporter of the United Nations.  I think they only do what is right for the big countries and leave the smaller countries out in the cold.  They only time they lend a hand is when enough people in the "Power" countries start complaining.  

That all changed today!!!  I love the U.N.  I just found out that they are giving me $405,000 because I suffered internet fraud!!!!  HOORAY!!!  Here is the email that I received:

United Nations Compensation Commission (UNCC)

Attention: Honorable Beneficiary

I wish to congratulate you for the approval of the compensation payment of $405,000.00 USD by this commission. The United Nation Compensation Commission (UNCC) was created in 1991 as a subsidiary organ of the UN Security Council. Our mandate is to retrieve lost fund through various law agents and also to process claims and pay compensation for losses and damages suffered as a direct result of Internet Fraud.

You can view this page for your perusal then do the needful by contacting the paying agent accordingly.

Your approved compensation payment fails into Category 'E' and your payment have been directed to the New York Control Unit. The sum of $9,000.00 USD equivalent of your local currency have been approved and programed to be sent to you every day until you receive the total of $405,000.00 USD. This payment have commenced and will last for 45 days so contact your pay agent urgently.

Your first Payment has been sent today with below detail.
MTCN: 7471409156
SENDER FIRST NAME:.. Abdul rahman
Test question: REF
Answer: Today
Amount: $9,000.00 USD

To check the status of this transfer; go to

kindly contact the below Paying Agent who is in position to release your payment today.
Contact Person: Mr. Mark James
Tel: (347) 829-5165

The Western union payout center have been mandated to issue out your payment and you have to stop any further communication with any other person(s) or office(s) to avoid any hitches in receiving your payment. Note that the Paying Agent will require that you reconfirm the following particulars:

Your Full Name: ---------------
Address: ------------------------
City/Zip Code: -----------------
Country: ------------------------
Tel: ------------------------------


Note that this payment will be 'on hold' pending when you secure your 14 DIGIT ELECTRONIC FUND TRANSFER PIN (EFTP) for a one time payment of $275.00. EFTP payment should be sent to the origin of your Compensation Payment Advice, i.e Republic of Benin.

Failure to contact your Paying Agent will result in payment cancellation.

Mike Hills
UNCC/Protocol Officer

With the crappy economy and the possible pay cuts that may be happening in many of our schools, I could sure use this money!  Once again...Thanks United Nations! I will get right on that and send my $275 this afternoon.

One question -- The UN is in New York City...Why am I sending money to The Republic of Benin?  That is kind of weird.  But what the Hell!  It is a ton of Money.  I am calling the pool company right now.  They are going to start digging for my swimming pool next week!  YEA!!!  I am so happy!

Soccer Around the World

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Our Favorite Bikinis - WOW!

Summer is nearing and end, which means our installments of "Our Favorite Bikinis" will soon be coming to an end.  Here is the latest one we saw:

I don't really no what to say...I am speechless (this doesn't happen often!)

--Enrique Santos

Emma Watson is the Most Dangerous Celebrity...

 search for online! Yes, she is dangerous! Emma Watson has replaced Heidi Klum as the most dangerous celebrity to search for online. Want a virus? Search for these folks:
10. Sofia Vergara
09. Salma Hayek
08. Cameron Diaz
07. Shakira
06. Megan Fox
05. Halle Berry
04. Selena Gomez
03. Eva Mendes
02. Jessica Biel

McCafee added: Searching for Latinas is Risky, Women are More Dangerous Than Men, Beware of the Supermodel and Musicians are Not Safe.

Why aren't there any guys on the list?  Are all the hackers only targeting the guys?  There has to be something Sexist about that...

This is the Chick Chad Johnson Bought Condoms For...

Chad Johnson ruined his marriage with hottie Evelyn Lozada, is facing charges of domestic abuse and possible jailtime, and he got fired...all for Beverly Shiner!  That is her up above.

The Massachusetts lady said in an interview in Complex Magazine: "I Googled him before we met and saw he was engaged," she says, "but at the time there were reports that she had broken it off because she thought he was cheating, so I assumed they had split up."

Soon, she found that they had not broken it off and he was still getting married. "While I was there he called Evelyn and asked if she could order a pizza to be delivered for him and even had her pay for it on her credit card," she says. "I thought it was odd and wondered if she was really his fiancee or just a secretary."

And Chad apparently broke it off with Shiner after she 'got too close.' "He said, 'I'm not doing anything different than what every other man is doing,'" she says. "He thinks it is fine to cheat. I feel he was completely disrespectful and he led me on."

Several things here:
1.  She used Google to look him up before they met, why didn't she google him afterwards.  I am sure she could have found his marital status updated hourly on the internet.  
2.  She is totally laying all of the blame on Chad.  Lady, it takes two to tangle!  I am not defending Chad Johnson by any means.  He was totally wrong and he is scum!  But Ms. Shiner should have known better.  
3.  I hope she was incredible in bed, because Beverly Shiner is not all that!  Evelyn Lozada is way Hotter!  See for yourself:

Spring Breakers Movie Poster

First off, I am not a Perv!  With that said, I cannot believe that I am writing another post about the movie "Spring Breakers".  (Here is the first one) What the Hell!!!!!  

Just Because Lance Armstrong May Have Cheated...

...doesn't mean we should start using the Livestrong Wristbands to keep Lobsters' claws shut!

Want to Freak Out your College Roommate?

10 Ways To Creep Out Your Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''


Please everyone, it has been a long week.  Just take two minutes and relax by going to this website.  Soothing, relaxing Waves.  It is so relaxing...........


Why would a scissors manufacturer do this?  You would have to buy another pair of scissors just to cut that plastic thing that is keeping this pair of scissors together.  Good Job Scissors people!!!

If You Crap Your Pants, Don't Panic!

Catchy title, isn't it?  

I have been blessed to have many friends in the teaching field.  I stay in touch with them on a regular basis through emails, facebook, twitter and blogs.  We share stories about our experiences.  Most of them, we keep private, but I got an email the other day from a teacher friend in California.  He had a tale to tell!!!  I asked him if I could post it and he laughed and said "Go ahead, but it is kind of sick.  It may gross some people out."

I have never been afraid to gross people out, so here is his story (names have been changed so as not to embarrass anyone even more than they already have been embarrassed)

This is a tragic comedy story.  And, like all good stories, it has a moral.  Let's start with the moral of this little story:

If you accidently crap your pants at school, don't panic!

Chapter One
Once upon a time, in a sunny land far, far away, there lived a boy name Roscoe. Roscoe was a nice child who always helped out his teachers and parents. He attended sixth grade at his local school and had many friends.

Roscoe prided himself on always following the rules. He listened carefully when the teacher instructed the class and reliably completed every assignment. He was a shining star in his class and a role model to others.

But Roscoe did have one flaw.

Despite his bright and happy exterior, Roscoe harbored a dangerous secret and it was only a matter of time before it bubbled over.

Roscoe had very full bowels.

Why were they so full? Why didn't he just empty them?

He did not empty them because Roscoe did not want to poop at school.

Every day ended with a hurried goodbye and a mad dash to his bathroom at home. One time, in a moment of extreme urgency, he even convinced his grandfather to pick him up at lunch so that he could go at home and return before the bell rang to signal the end of lunch recess.

Roscoe had managed to keep his bathroom issues a secret for his entire elementary school career until there came a day when he could not wait until he got home.

Chapter Two
It was a normal day at school. After taking his seat right after lunch, Roscoe began to feel a strange sensation in his stomach. As his stomach churned and gurgled, he began to feel an unmistakable pressure building up. He hesitated to ask to be dismissed because they had just returned from lunch. After a few moments though, he felt he had no choice.

No one knows for sure what happened next. We only can look back and wonder why something so awful could happen to such a nice boy.

Whoops…meant to say boy's restroom.

Chapter Three
When Roscoe did not return to class, his teacher sent another student to the restroom to check on him. That student returned, but without Roscoe. The student reportedly stood in the doorway of the restroom and called Roscoe's name, but to no avail. He did see what appeared to be vomit on the floor at the entranceway though.

The mystery concerned his teacher so she called the office to report the child M.I.A.

Hello, this is the office.
Ms. Whatever:
Hi, this is Ms. Whatever. I sent Roscoe to the restroom, but now I can't find him. Have you seen him?
Oooohhh yaaaahhh. We've seen him… He's standing outside in front of the nurse's office waiting for his grandfather.
Ms. Whatever:
Nurse's office? Grandfather? Wait, why is he standing outside?
Because he's covered in crap and reeks too badly to be inside.
Ms. Whatever:
Covered in CRAP?
Yup. Seems he had a little accident. You should see the boy's restroom.

A little accident?
LITTLE accident?

As I said, no one knows for sure what happened when Roscoe had his "little accident," but that accident sure as hell did not qualify as LITTLE.

From what we could tell, it appeared that Roscoe had to go reeeaallly badly and did not quite make it to the toilet. But we are not quite sure how crap ended up on the floor in multiple stalls, on the walls, in the sink, on the mirrors, and on the doors.

Oh, and all over Roscoe as well.

We think he may have panicked when his uncontrollable crapping began and tried to clean it up while still crapping. This is only a theory, though. One fact we do know for sure is the custodian had to don a rubber suit and mask to hose out the restroom with a power sprayer and then sanitize it.

The teacher called Roscoe's parents after school to check on him and apologize for not recognizing sooner that he needed to go so badly. They said it was all Roscoe's fault. His stubbornness about the restroom put him in this situation.

And so boys and girls, if you take any lesson away from this little tale, let it be:

If you accidently crap your pants at school, don't panic!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Morena Baccarin is the "Most Beautiful Woman in the World"

Morena Baccarin, of Showtime's Homeland and formerly the queen on the series V, has been declared the most beautiful woman in the world according to Esquire Magazine. I am not one to argue this one.  She looks pretty damn Hot!

Check out Esquire for the proof in this month's Women we Love.

What Would You Do?

I went out for dinner and drinks with some friends from the office last night.  The waiter who delivered our food to the table pointed out to my buddy Ron which sandwich was his .  In so doing, he actually touched the bun with his index finger.

We all kind of looked at each other in disbelief and then waited to see what Ron would do.

First, What would you do?

A. Demand a new sandwich or at least a new bun.
B. Say nothing. Not a big deal. Just eat your sandwich.
C. Awkwardly say, "Uh. You touched my sandwich . . ."

If you can think of a D or E, please leave a comment.  

As for Ron, he did C.   The waiter smiled and said he was sorry.  That was it.  No offer of a new sandwich or bun.  Ron, then said "Fuck it, I'm Hungry" and began eating it.  I guess I should point out that we waited almost 40 minutes for our food.  He didn't want to wait another 40.  

As for me, I probably would have done A.  But that's just me...

--Enrique Santos


I guess if you mix in some little pieces of green and red peppers into your sweet corn, you make it into Mexicorn.  What a fiesta for your mouth!   It’s tasty, zesty / dulce & sabroso.

Marilyn Manson is Getting Old and Fat

See for yourself:

No Matter What, he will always be an UGLY SOB!

Treat Life Like a Bad Lay

My friend Jenny said this today.  I don't even remember why.  It was hilarious.  She said she had heard it before so I got home and looked it up and found this graphic!  Damn!  I hope that isn't the face you make when you are having a bad lay Jenny!

--Enrique Santos

Terrifying Tuesdays - Bert and Ernie

This is just plain Wrong!  It is bad enough that Bert and Ernie are romantically involved, shattering my childhood perception of them.  Now this!  I need to rinse my eyes!

Someone Was Either a Genius or They Really Messed Up!

What do you think is going on here?  I have no idea but here is my theory.  Some company was having their big company picnic, but with tough economic times they were limiting the drinking to one cup of your favorite beverage.  So some Smart guy(or maybe stupid since he may have lost his job because of this) decided to order extra extra large cups so the employees could make that one drink last and last. 

How big do you think those cups are?  My guess is 3 or 4 gallons!  I have never seen cups that size. 

Monday, September 10, 2012


A “heads up” for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever Scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite a traumatic experience. Don’t be naive  enough to think “It couldn’t happen to you!”

Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your bought items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and  performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also on September 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful.
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