Sunday, June 9, 2013

Some New Sex Positions

Hooray to all the people who add detailed definitions of sex acts and positions to Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary. There are way too many people out there who do not know what a Dirty Sanchez, a Lucky Pierre or the Squashing of the Deckchair is. Way to keep the world informed.

Whenever I get a little time, I am going to add some of my favorite sex positions:  Here are a few of them:

I Swear I Saw This in a Porn Flick 
Woman lies on bed, holding air traffic flag in one hand and flashlight in the other. Man stands on dresser or chair with erection pointing forward, flight goggles and gloves on. Man assesses trajectory, tippy toes to edge of dresser or chair. Woman spreads legs wider, looks nervously at flashlights and points it to her love box. Man slips and falls to floor, snapping penis in two.

Who’s on First
Man strategically positions bedroom TV set so that he can catch last few innings of Cubs game while going down on Woman. Man blows cover by screaming, “It's Outta Here!” after a Home Run. Woman beats man and kicks him out of the house.

Does Your RoomieWant to Join Us?
Woman brings Man home from late night bar hopping escapade. Man is escorted to bedroom, spies hot roommate in thong brushing teeth in bathroom on the way to said bedroom. Man begins asking Woman if she’d ask her roommate to join in. Woman eventually caves, conveniently neglecting to inform Man of roomie’s STD's.

Was That You?
Man and Woman go at it like horny dogs. Rhythm of intense sex is interrupted by bizarre, squeakish, flatulence-like sound. Copulation halts momentarily as both Man and Woman go silent and do not move.  They look at each other, smile, nod and then get back to humping.

The Look at Me! 
Woman gets down on all fours. Man commences “doggy style” sex. Man then catches his reflection in mirror. Man continues to study and admire himself as he fucks Woman, making exaggerated hip thrusts and shouting “Hoo Hah!” with each pump..

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